[A lux is a unit of measurement for light and illumination, and a sunrise or sunset is about 400 lux on a clear day.]
"we're never done with killing time, can I kill it with you?"
MINJEONG.
Do I like her? I often ask myself that. I wonder what these fluttering feelings are. I wonder why my heart feels alive the most at the break of dawn, I wonder why out of all the hazel orbs I get to see every single day, hers are my favorite. I wonder if I like her enough for me to leave my apartment at 3 in the morning just to watch her race in the suburb of Seoul.
I wonder.
As I made my way through the crowd of people to get myself a seat at my favorite spot by the front row, I could already see a familiar raven-haired standing by the barricade, as if she's waiting for someone. "You're here again." She greets as soon as she saw me approaching, sporting her signature smirk that I kinda grew fond of.
"I was bored." I responded nonchalantly, but we both know damn well that was a lie.
So she smiles. "That's what you always say."
"Yeah, whatever. Why are you still here? The race is about to start." I spat out, ignoring the tingling feeling on my chest. I feel like my heart's going to burst soon.
"I wanted to see you before I warm up." She confesses, and it took everything in me to not break into a smile. Do I like her? I ask myself once again, this euphoric feeling I get whenever I see her, is this because I like her?
"What are you thinking about?" Jimin's voice snaps me out of my thoughts. "Nothing." I simply replied, but inside, I am panicking, so I shifted the topic to something else. "Well, now that you saw me you can go now."
"Yeah." she laughs, and I can't help but notice the little changes on her face whenever she does that. "I'll see you later." with one last wave, she retreats back to the garage, just in time for the race to finally start and I could only sigh in relief as I got myself a break from these thoughts.
It was almost 5AM when I got out of the venue, just in time for sunrise, like always. A familiar sports car stops in front of me. The driver pulls the window down, revealing the raven-haired I've been waiting for. "Shall we go?" she smiles at me for the nth time this morning, and at this point, I'm just wondering how I'm still alive.
Before I could jump out of the gutter, she steps out of the vehicle to open the passenger's door, something she has never done ever since we met. Thinking it was nothing but a kind gesture, I slid to the shotgun seat and within a minute, we were out in the city of Seoul.
The drive was silent that I had nothing to think about but the damsel sitting beside me. And here comes those thoughts again. Do I like her? I wonder as I watch the sun slowly painting the sky with a tinge of yellow and orange, comparing it to the way she suddenly brought color to my life. I shouldn't be feeling this way, this should be nothing more than a friendly getaway before the break of dawn, but why? The sun is up the sky but when I look at the woman beside me--there's the sun. Warm, delicate, breathtaking, and blinding to the point that I wouldn't think twice of touching and burning myself just to reach her.
"Minjeong." her voice snaps me out of my thoughts once again. God how many times have I zoned out this morning?
I hummed in response. "You're smiling like a fool." she uttered, eyes focused on the road but the smile on her lips tells me she was looking at me awhile ago.
"It's nothing."
"That's what you always say."
-
We stopped by a 24/7 diner where we usually eat and first met, where the owner got familiar with us and our usual orders--even our seat by the window where you could see the sunrise.
"Aren't you tired of this?" the question pops out of nowhere that I thought I was just hearing things, but when I looked up to see her, a pair of feline eyes were looking back at me.
"Tired of what?" I replied, trying to keep my cool. What does it mean? Is she genuinely asking me if I'm tired of this setup or she's getting tired of this setup and needs a reason to end whatever this is? Wait, does that even make any difference?
"Aren't you tired of me?"
Am I tired of you? No.
Am I tired of this setup of not knowing what ground whatever we have stands? Yes.
But I don't have the guts to say that. Because I don't even know if we're standing on the same ground and longing for the same thing.
"No, why?"
"Nothing. I'm just curious." she sighs, and maybe I'm reaching, but the smile on her lips makes me think I said the right thing.
"What about you?" I asked, I can't help but get curious.
"No. I don't think I'll ever get tired of spending sunrises with you."
"You're so cheesy."
-
By the time we reached my apartment, the streets are starting to get swarmed by people going to work.
"Are you coming tomorrow?" she asks with an expectant tone that makes me think she wants me to say yes. Should I?
"I don't know." I replied timidly and there goes her signature smirk again.
"That's what you always say." we said in unison, cracking on fits of laughter.
"and I like you"
I'm not a morning person, believe me. But when I met her, I get this euphoric sensation every time I witness the break of dawn with her and it scares me how much every moment I got to spend with her became a treasure I held dearly that I wouldn't mind setting up ten alarms just to make sure I get to wake up before three in the morning.
I like her. Fuck. I like her.
But what do I do?
Because no matter how perfect each morning I get to spend with her, no matter how many smiles she sends my way, when the sun sets, she's no longer by my side. And I'm afraid that these sunrises will never define what kind of relationship we have.
"I'd like it if you stayed"
