RoadTrip Drabbles

(F) Randy - Dissociation

Absolutely a vent thing.
Song inspiration:
Aaryan Shah - Dissociation
(highly recommended to listen
to get the vibe of it.)
IG: quiet_roadie

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"I'm drifting.
There's nothing here but distance,
There's no one here to listen."

Somehow, the words leaving my mouth felt the most real. I felt the most alive when I sang, even if it was for people on live streams. It made me feel something, it made me feel not so isolated and cut away from the life I lived not so long ago. Why did it felt so distant, why it felt like I had no friends, why it felt like I lost him completely when officially, there was no bad blood between us? Why I haven't heard from him for so long, did he forget about me already?

The numbers of the live streams were decreasing with every passing minute. It wasn't the lack of attention that was painful while watching those numbers go do, it was the reminder of not knowing where my life is heading. I've been hiding there for so long, haven't left the house in a year or.. at least, it felt like a year. I had people around me, yet Rye wasn't one of them. I had fun around me, yet Rye was never part of it. I had music surrounding me as always, but Rye's voice was nowhere to be found. Why, why did I do?

"Perfect vision,
It's hard to trust in my position,
I can't forget what's been forgiven."

Fingers scarred from playing the guitar for more than 8 hours a day. It was an escape reality, my music was always that for me, for my head, for my well-being. But lately, it felt like running away from things I can't run away from, like I am avoiding a call with him, avoiding trying to find out what was happening. Just a call, we used to call each other all the time. We used to facetime a lot too, I haven't seen his face in ages, and stalking his social media wasn't doing it for me. It wasn't meant for me to see, it was meant for the people to see, I haven't had a moment with him in so long I think I forgot what a beautiful face that is.

I was cold, yet my palms were sweaty. The hoodie I was wearing kept no warmth inside at all, or it did but my head was just way too heavy and I was too stressed that the chills always found their way under the thick fabric. My head was pounding, absolutely pounding, right in between my eyebrows and at the base of my beck, like a tight band around my head that got tighter whenever I moved or even lifted my eyes to that bright screen in front of me.

Or maybe, I was just playing the victim to make myself feel better.

"Cause I just need an escape,
I pray I find my way,
Before I suffocate."

"Rye, stop that!" Andy yelled through the hall, sprinting away from that boy that kept teasing him over and over again, threatening him to be tickled till his breath runs out. His socks allowing him to glide over the polished wooden planks. He found himself waiting around the corner, waiting for Rye to catch him, wanting him to catch him and give him attention which was something Andy would never allow to fully admit to himself. He loved the attention.

"Andreeew!" Rye chanted over in the hall, sending shivers down Andy's spine when Rye used that fake, ghostly voice to chant through the halls. Small giggles falling from his lips as he waited for the boy to sneak up from behind and that was exactly what happened. Two big hands being placed on the sides of Andy's waist, squeezing just a little bit, making Andy flinch in fake surprise as Rye spun him around to face that blonde angel.

"Gotcha." The taller boy said in a fake American accent that made both of them cringe just a tiny bit.

"Points to you, Ryepie," Andy replied with a teasing, almost mocking voice as his immediate reaction was to put his arms around that other boys' neck. But his wrists were caught in the cuffs of Ryan's palms, squeezing them hard and pressing that shorter body in front of him against the wall behind Andy, pressing his whole body against that blonde angel that had such a precious, loving expression.

"What's my reward?" Ryan whispered, brushing his lips softly against Andy's as if he wasn't sure if he was allowed to do such a move when both of them knew very well, he could, anytime.

"I am your reward."

"I've been lost for some time,
And I just can't get out my mind,
I feel like I've been trapped inside."

Light taps against the surface of my guitar created a repetitive beat, keeping me in check and not getting lost in the meanings of the song. It spoke to me on a different level, it was like a free therapeutic talk, letting songs do the talk for me and I didn't have to do anything. Slowly, the taps of the side of my palm against the body of the guitar started to fall apart, losing the rhythm. I didn't notice how broken my voice sounded, how tired I was, how relatable that lyric was to me. The comments were flooded with "Are you okay?" in no time and I knew I was getting way too transparent way too quickly.

"I know I'll never make it home,
My demons won't leave me alone,
But I have to live this life I chose."

When my voice decided to crack painfully, I finished the chorus of the song, knowing I can't carry on with the rest of the song without showing what was going on in my head completely. I felt lost, I missed everybody, he was one of my highest priorities and now he was gone. How's one supposed to deal with losing a friend due to absolutely stupid reasons?

"I am starting to get pretty tired so thank you guys for your attention, see you soon."

It wasn't the most elegant way of ending a live stream.

I sighed quietly, putting my guitar on a stand close to my bed. I've noticed how red and bruised my hands were from playing it but somehow, the break didn't seem like a possible option. I needed to do something, I needed a distraction, something that would prevent me from drowning in my own head, wishing, praying to see something.. something, I wasn't even sure what I wanted to see. My friends, the outside, him, will to live?

My phone made a familiar sound of a text message. I picked it up.

Unknown number
21:32
"You never fail to amaze me with your voice, Fovvs."