RoadTrip Drabbles

(F) Sack - Let go

A vent.

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The breeze hitting my face was weirdly comforting. Sure, it was like ice pin needles pushing right through wet paths on my face but it was comforting I could feel something else than emotional pain. My feet kept dangling back and forth, hitting the concrete outside walls of the apartment building. I knew I was damaging my shoes like this, the heels were damaged enough for me to start caring about my things but oh well. The edge of the window was starting to be really uncomfortable under my body, yet I didn't feel like caring much.

The wind kept sweeping my hair to the side, I hated that. I hated when anything tried to expose my face, my forehead, I felt naked whenever someone could clearly see my face. It was the type of vulnerability I wasn't ready to show to anybody and there it was, caused by a stupid, annoying wind, giving me literal smacks across my face. With time, I grew colder and colder, my whole body shivering in response as wearing only a t-shirt and jeans wasn't very clever, considering the cold autumn months.

I'll miss them, some more than the others. I will miss the newbie for sure, we didn't even have a lot of time to get to know each other properly, yet we built up a bond I haven't had with somebody in ages. Maybe it was the height since for the first time, I wasn't the tallest, maybe it was that calm, angelic voice of his, maybe it was how actually chill he was regarding anything in life but all of these things gave me comfort in a way I didn't know I needed. And now, I was leaving all of it.

I saw Rye's car driving close to the house, arriving with all of the boys squeezed in that tiny space. I could feel my eyebrows twitching and the waterfalls really tried their best to get through the mental barriers I formed just to not get all weepy again. But as soon as I saw the boys getting out of the car, my vision began to blur, the blur intensifying with every passing second.

I couldn't, I wasn't ready to tell them, I wasn't ready to tell him.

The fight or flight response kicked in me, getting myself away from the window as quickly as possible for the boys to not be able to see me. Fuck, I felt so pathetic. I trusted them with my life but I couldn't be honest enough about my feelings? Like they didn't sense the change of my behavior before. But now, eyes all red and puffy and cheeks obviously stained in dried up salty tears, I knew I wouldn't be able to get away with this.

I ran down the stairs just to hear the lock of the front door opening. Fuck.

The panic in me sent me to the backyard, hoping to be able to just sneak around the house to get away and take a walk, calm down my racing mind. But no, the fear inside of me, the fear of the boys seeing me through the windows was high enough for me to hide in the pool area. The floor was wet, I was about to slip in any minute and the four-step walk towards the table seemed like two miles.

Before I could reach my desired destination, I was stopped by a familiar voice behind my back.

"Jack, you're up, good!" Sonny squeaked in an enthusiastic voice and I felt my heart cracking. How am I supposed to let the ray of sunshine know I won't be within his close presence anymore? My eyes were flooding again, fuck no.

"Are you alright?" Sonny asked as I heard the footsteps getting closer to me. I was trapped, I couldn't turn around to let him see me, I couldn't turn around to cause more suspicion. I just stood there, my back turned towards his face as I tried to blink away the tears that kept reappearing in my eyes. Why do I have to cry so easily, why do I have to overthink everything to cause me to tear up like that?

A pair of hands grabbed me by the upper arms, spinning me around. I kept my head low, avoiding the beautiful eyes above me.

"Jack, look at me, what's wrong?" His voice felt so calming yet it caused a storm of emotions inside of me, it was swirling like a huge tornado ready to swallow everything that stood in its way. I couldn't look up until he forced me to look up by taking me gently by the chin, yet putting quite some pressure on it to actually lift my head up.