Meretricious | Professor Lupin

19. Picnic

"I never understood why he did what he did.

When the word spread around I didn't think it was true. That was... until Dumbledore told me that they- that they weren't just rumors.

I couldn't believe it, I yelled and yelled at the man saying it wasn't possible. He wouldn't- he couldn't have done it.

Sirius Black had killed Peter, James, Lily... and me.

I died that day, with all of them, a part of me at least.

Numbness had taken over me. I spent years alone, something I didn't think I'd have to get used to again. I was 21 and alone in a world and everyone had moved on and found a purpose... I couldn't.

Every Halloween I spend in pain, but this one hurt the most. With Harry here... I just see them so much in him and- and I've told him this. We talk sometimes about them, but it still hurts you know?

I didn't want to do anything that day, I didn't even want to spend it with you. I was actually dreading breaking the news to you.

but there you were, with your gorgeous eyes asking me what we were going to do. Any sane person would've gone to Hogsmeade with their friends but you... you wanted to spend it with me.

I mean what was I supposed to say? 'sorry love I'd rather cry myself to sleep over my friends who have been dead for well over a decade'

They are- were my family...

I tried pushing them away, just like I tried to push you, but they stuck to me.

I never got to thank them for everything that they did for me. I never got to tell them that... that I loved them, I still do.

and I know it sounds awful to say I love their killer but I do.

They gave me the best years of my life... so yes, as much as it pains me to admit, Sirius Black still holds a place in my heart.

Not the Sirius Black who killed them, but the Sirius Black who included me.

The Sirius Black who made me outgoing and showed me compassion

The Sirius Black who didn't judge me for who- for what I am.

I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt to talk about it.

I guess that's why you're still sleeping.

I don't know how you would look at me if I admitted this. I don't know what you'd say or how you'd react.

I don't know how you would think of me... if you found out who I was.

If you found out what I was.

If I'm honest, I'm not excited to read your essay. I'm avoiding it because deep down I think you'll see me how I see myself.

A monster.

It doesn't make sense, it never did.

This, us, I mean. Quite honestly I'm still shocked you're sticking around.

I mean, we haven't really labeled this. What are we? Am I your boyfriend? Am I a friend which you kiss?

I realize I sound like a teenager, but really what are we?

I think I'm in deeper than you are. Which is fine... but I'm scared shitless."

Remus sighed as he took his gaze from her ceiling to her back. He got closer to her and wrapped his arm around her stomach, breathing her in.

As much as he wanted to, he couldn't go back to sleep. He tried and tried but it wasn't working. He didn't know why.

He got up from Spencer's bed, trying not to make noise and wake her up, and walked to her kitchen. He put water in the kettle and took the box of tea out of the cupboard, that's when something out of the corner of his eye piqued his interest.