The Burning Barn [BxB]

Chapter 10

Beau clung to Hamilton feeling his heart race as his mind replayed the events of yesterday. Lukas was gone. Lukas was dead. Lukas had left him alone in the world... He had lied. He said he wouldn't leave and he was gone.

He shouldn't have fallen asleep that night. He should have held on tighter. He should have made Lukas promise to not leave him. He shouldn't have fucking smiled. He shouldn't have told Lukas what he wanted to hear... He should have forced him to stay... It was his fault.

Beau's body trembled with every breath. Lukas was gone and he wasn't coming back. He would never talk to him again. He would never touch him again. He would never hold him or kiss him. He never even said goodbye... It felt as if a piece of himself had been ripped away and forgotten. Maybe even lost. And it was all his fault.

I love you, Beau

Beau's throat tightened as he spotted the familiar shape sitting on his floor. His messy blonde hair falling over his eyes and and bright laugh on his face. Beau's lips trembled as his chest grew tight and he bit back the urge to scream.

"Why won't you just leave me alone?" He whispered.

Another tear slipped down Beau's cheek as he buried his face further into the pig, allowing the smell of the arcade to intermingle with the smell of Lukas that still lingered on the clothes he left there. He let out a shaky sob for what felt like the millionth time. Every time he started to feel better he'd see Lukas's pretty face. He'd feel Lukas's lips against his. He'd see Lukas laughing as Beau tugged him into the water or Lukas jumping around a football field with a trophy in hand.

Sometimes he'd see Lukas from when they were kids. The way he had clung onto the button Beau had given him for the next two years. Or how he would bring Beau to see the sunflowers every time they bloomed. How he'd grab onto Beau's hand and pull him through the playground to go hide under the slide where they'd spill all of their secrets together...

Everywhere Beau looked, everywhere he went was attatched to Lukas in some way. Lukas had been there nearly every day of Beau's life. There wasn't a single place or object in Tennessee that didn't have a lingering imagine of Lukas connected to it. And that was simply torture. Those moments had once felt so bright, so colorful. Now they were as dull and lifeless as Lukas.

Beau had only gotten a glimpse of Lukas's face, but it was enough to be burnt into his mind for eternity. The red puffiness of his eyes that had carelessly been left open. The way his mouth was slightly parted and the light blue tint to his deathly pale skin. His hair was tangled and messy as if he had been tugging at it for hours... Lukas had overdosed. He had taken the same sleeping pills as his mother for the exact same reason:

They couldn't take it anymore.

Beau should have seen the signs sooner. Maybe then things would have ended differently. He should have done more. He should have known that mental illness ran in Lukas's family. He should have known the moment Lukas talked about his mother's death. How he had romanticized how nice it would have been to go that way. How all it took was a few pills and then you fell asleep for eternity.

Lukas was wrong. It wasn't beautiful. It wasn't peaceful. It may look that way at first glance but in reality, it was disgusting. Every organ slowly shutting down and failing until your heart just couldn't take it anymore and stopped. Everything and everyone you loved left behind to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts. Death was ugly, no matter how you looked at it.

But it was also easy. What was the point of living without his other half? He had said it before and he'd say it a million times. Beau wasn't Beau without Lukas. He needed Lukas just to smile. He needed Lukas to keep him sane in a world that was constantly trying to break him. He needed Lukas as much as he needed air. He needed to love him and to be loved by him...