No, I'm Just Delusional (Phan) RE-WRITE IN PROCESS

Not Good Enough

Dan-

I drive around having no idea where I am going. After a couple of hours I go into the Starbucks and get a latte. I sit down in the corner and silently drink my coffee. I sit there staring at the wall opposite to my chair with my back to the door. I heard the door jingle signalling someone coming in. I fell someone wrapping their arms around me and instantly stiffen. “Dan, I missed you at school, where were you?” Victoria's voice is raspy and high pitched. I am tired and don't wan't to deal with her shit. “I was busy.” is my harsh reply. Her face is annoyed, but I don't regret anything. This slut had been clinging to me for the past month and nothing I said could get her to leave me alone. She sits down opposite me, giving me a plastic smile. Yesterday I would of relished in the power I have over her and that she would do anything I asked, but now I felt different.

I have no idea what it is but I just feel... My thoughts are interrupted when Victoria squeals and starts going on about how one of her whore friends got cheated on or something, and I just zone out. I get up abruptly looking bored and agitated. She has a look of pure anger on her face, but at this minute I don't give a shit. I pick up my cold latte and walk out. Outside I chuck my cold drink in the bin and head towards my car. I sit in there for an hour, before deciding to go for a drive.

I cruise around the city and in about half-an-hour find myself outside the hospital. I have absolutely no idea why i'm here. I see a figure exiting the hospital, I recognise it as Lester. His face is scrunched up in an adorable way like his thinking.'Adorable! No, I'm just delusional, no I... I didn't just think that?' In my head it came out as more of a question than a statement. I shake it off. His face is still scrunched up and I wonder what he's thinking about. The brace on his nose is tan making him looking even paler. His black hair is dishevelled and dark circles surround his eyes. He partially disappears onto the street away from the hospital lights. I follow him far behind not letting him see my jeep.

After a while I realise we are heading into the poor part of the city. Homeless people line the streets and still Lester goes on, not even phased by the change of atmosphere. We arrive at a small park with a swing and climbing structure. I pull over not far away and can still see him easily without being seen. I get out of my car and debate going over.

I begin to walk over and stop when I see a figure walking up to Lester. I can't see who it is only that it appears to be a male about the same height as Lester. I can see the scared expression on Lester's face and begin to worry if he's in trouble. They begin to talk and I relax, maybe I was just over thinking. Why I am reacting his way I don't know, maybe it's just my crazy day but the nagging feeling in my stomach tells me otherwise.

The figure leans in and I am shocked when the figure kisses Lester. I am speechless and shock myself when a ball of fire erupts in my stomach. I have no idea what it means but at this current moment I am just filled with anger I begin to march towards the two, when it dawns on me how ridiculous I am being. This is Lester. He can so what ever he wants with his life, I can not control him. He is gay? I have always been a dick to him but I had no idea he was gay.

I turn to leave it's not my place to judge him. The fire in my stomach has not yet subsided and I am left feeling sick to my stomach. I arrive home and take a shower. Trying to cleanse my mind of the days happenings. Thoughts circle in my mind and one in particular stands out. 'Why do I care so much all of a sudden?' Is it the overwhelming guilt I feel about his cuts? Is it that I am scared of what they mean of how much truth they express. Lester is so depressed that he cuts, he physically hurts himself to numb the pain of life. I am so overwhelmed with regret that I vow to never bully Phil Lester again. This I a big step in my life but I cannot be responsible for making someone else cause pain to themselves, especially since I know what it feels like. I lay face down on my bed with only a towel around me and sob. 'What has my life become?' Putting other people down so I can feel good about myself. It wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough. I knew the only way to stop the pain. I went back into the bathroom and got out my razor. Taking out one of the blades and putting it to my skin I made a series of cuts up to my elbow. The blood running down my arms caused a smile of relief to brace my face. I closed my eyes and collapse on the bed.

I just wasn't good enough.