No, I'm Just Delusional (Phan) RE-WRITE IN PROCESS

Broken, Bruised and Bloody

Dan -

I arrive home, my mind still numb from my encounter with Lester. He had kissed me and I had unknowingly kissed back. So many thoughts swirled in my mind and I just wanted to turn my brain off. I head up to my room getting changed and preparing for a rather hellish day tomorrow. I didn't know what was going to happen but I did feel that some thing was going to happen tomorrow. I didn't know what but I did know that it was going to involve one Phillip Lester.

I lay on my bed, face down, thinking. I then realise that I am being naïve trying not to think about what happened with Lester. What if someone had seen us? What if my father found out? I start to shake. I know I need to calm down but I can't. I just keep thinking back to that night. That night that I realised what a true monster the man I called father was. If he found out about what happened tonight he would do things to me I didn't know were possible to do to another person, let alone your only son. I shudder as pictures and reminders of that night slowly latch themselves onto my thoughts. I decide to take a shower to rid my mind of the horrors that were over taking it. I strip down and take a small pleasure in the hot water cascading down my back.

Suddenly without warning I start to shake and my mind goes hazy. I can't see and shampoo stings my eyes. I fumble around in the shower trying to find the knobs to turn off the water. Memories that are all too familiar invade my mind and I struggle to keep a grip on reality. I manage to turn off the water and stumble out of the shower and reach for the towel.I push back the memories trying to stay sane. I realise its to late when the memories come crashing forward and I fall to the floor missing the towel. I lay there for what feels like hours just mumbling and screaming, and crying. Just like the last time and the time before that, no one comes to my aid, no one really cares. I black out several times and just lay there and cringe and shudder, feeling everything as if it were happening to me now. I manage to get myself onto my bed and curl up into a ball under the sheets. I cry myself to sleep realising that I haven't had a panic attack that bad in about seven months.

I wake up relatively early, my body aching from sleeping in such a cramped position. I know I have to go to school and as much as I don't want to I know its my only way of pleasing my father. I sigh and make my way to school. Nothing really happens during school and I avoid Lester in the halls. The guys are angry at me for not beating Lester up in the halls and I agreed with them that if he's not out of school by the first fifteen minutes after the bell then they can have a go at him. I actually hope that Lester gets out, I promised myself that I wouldn't bully him any more and I last night I broke that promise and it seems I about to break it again now.

I notice Lester limp slowly out of the main entrance/exit. I know whats going to happen and I want more than anything right now for us to just leave him alone, but I can't and I gave my word. I am put off by his limp. He looks tired and worm out and his nose is crooked, he has taken off the brace and is wearing baggy clothes. I am confused as to why he looks in so much pain. I turn to face the guys and they all admit that they haven't even gone near him all day. I shrug it off, maybe i'm just imagining something? I can't help but feel that I'm not. I look over at Pj confidently striding towards Lester and am angered. He fucking kissed this guy and know he is going to beat him up?

I have an idea and before I can change my mind I lean over to him and whisper in his ear so no one else can hear. “Pretty ironic isn't it. You kissed him now your going to beat the shit out of him. Mixed emotions eh?” His face pales and I am surprised how good it makes me feel. Lester stumbles sown the stairs his face showing great pain. He manages to conceal himself in a crowd and I thank God, even though I'm not even religious, that he'll get away. I shake my head and sigh when I notice that the crowd has thinned and he is easily visible. The guys run after him as he hobbles, his face contorted in worry and pain.

We catch up to him in a hidden corner of a random road. He stops knowing he can't out run us and I can't help but feel so ashamed, ashamed that I am doing this, ashamed that I associate myself with these people and ashamed that I used to enjoy this.

Someone runs forward and greets Lester with a punch to the stomach and he gasps bending over in pain. He looks up at me and I divert my gaze to the ground unable to look the boy I have hurt so many times in the eyes. My head shoots up when I hear an ear-piercing scream. Lester is lying on the floor his eyes holding more than just physical pain, they're also murky like he's not really here. He is snapped out of it when some of the other guys kick him on the back of the legs, resulting in scream after scream. His eyes go blank and I know I have to step in. “STOP!” I yell and they all look over at me confused. “Go home, thats enough.” I order and they bolt, probably not wanting to get caught. I see blood trickling from Lester's back and legs and I realise he is bleeding heavily.

I stand there for a while, it is only when I notice that the blood is now seeping onto the concrete that I reluctantly head back to school t get my car and the first aid kit inside. I jog there and it takes me about twenty minutes. I hop into my car and drive back to where i left him. He looks so fragile, so small and-and adorable. I don't bother harassing myself about calling him adorable, I need to help him. I check in the glove box and curse when I realise that I must of left it at home.

I get out of the car and walk over to Phil. I may as well call him by his really name. I pick him up and hold him close to my chest, I am startled by a hiss and loosed my grip, realising that he must be in a lot of pain, on his back and legs. I stop to get the keys that I had put in my pocket to unlock the car. I look down at Phil he really was beautiful. His eyes suddenly open and the deep sapphires pull me in. He looks so scared and venerable.

“No, p-please d-don't hurt me.” He stutters and I realise he probably thinks i'm taking him some place where I can hurt him more. He leans over and starts to scratch his arm and I know exactly what he is doing, looking for a release.

“Shhh shh it's ok, I'm not going to hurt you. It's just me.Ok? Your safe.” His face slightly softens and I manage to unlock the car and open the back seat door. I place Phil face down on the back seats. My trembling fingers instinctively go to the bottom of his shirt and I begin to tug it up. Phil whippers trying to pull away.

“Phil, I-I need to see if your ok.” I stutter adding a loud gulp to the end. He seems to debate it for a second then weakly nods. I slowly lift it and my eyes go wide with horror. “P-P-Phil,” I stutter again. “Who did this to you?” I ask hoping and pleading in my head that it was not I or the others.

“I-It wasn't you.” He mutters. I nod relief filling me but I take another glance down a immediately regret it. My hands skim over the broken, bruised and bloody skin. His back is covered in various shaded of purple,black and red. I am absolutely stunned. “Phil, who did this to you?” I ask again, whoever did this is going to pay. To do that to another human being is sickening. “Phil?” I question him. His body relaxed from a tense I didn't even know he was doing.

“He'd hurt me.” he whispers. A look of instant regret comes across his face and he opens his mouth to cover it up but I beat him to it.“Phil, who is he?” I ask, this guy is going to pay. Forgetting his injured I put my hands on his back and take them back instantly. “Shit!” but he's already unconscious. Having no idea what to do with him I take him back to my place. I go inside and my mum is in the kitchen cooking something.

“I have a friend staying over.” I say bluntly.

“Oh, ok. Your fathers away for this week, so that should be fine.” She nods at me her hair falling across her face.

I don't bother replying and go and get Phil from the car. I cover his back and and carry him bridal style up stairs into my room. I can feel his wet shirt on my arms but ignore it. I get a shocked look from my mother but ignore her as well and go up to my room. I place Phil under the sheets and tuck him in not before taking his shoes and jeans off and putting a fresh tee-shirt on him. I thought it would be a bit awkward, but I do it any way. I went downstairs searching for a first aid kit. I find one and head back up to my room. I see Phil lying there and I can't help but attracted to him. There is no use denying what I can feel.

“I am falling for you Phil, I don't know how or why but I am.” I say with a sigh and lay down next to him. I find myself drifting off to sleep looking down on the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen.