No, I'm Just Delusional (Phan) RE-WRITE IN PROCESS

I'll Never Let You Go

Dan -

Time ceases to exist. Not one minute it one second, an eternity. I am blind despite the cold white walls I can see so clearly. I am deaf despite the slow and steady heartbeat I can hear from beyond the curtain. I cannot taste, despite the distinct bitter tang of blood I can taste in my mouth. I am paralysed, despite the ache in my bones I fell every time I move. I can't smell, despite the sharp disinfectants etched into the walls of my brain.

My heart has been shattered over and over again, so much so that I believe it is irreparable. My soul has been twisted and turned to the agonising point of suicide. I was ready. I think I always knew deep down that he was gone. I just never let my self believe, I never let my self forget. Forget what I did to him. I constantly mule over everything I have done to him. Examine every last detail, relive every hit, every punch, every kick, every name, every time I told him no one would ever love him. And so many times I have laughed at myself. I laughed at how patheticI am, how wrong and disgusting I am. I will never forget the things I've done to Phil, I will never forget and never forgive myself for it either. I deserve this, I deserve to watch the boy I love die. But he doesn't deserve to die, he doesn't deserve any of this. I do.

I deserve to rot in hell. Though I know, no one could punish me more than I am already punishing myself. I hate myself and no matter what good I've done in my life I deserve to die. I deserve to rot in hell and have myself killed over and over again. I deserve to watch his death on repeat until I have broken every barrier and destroyed every part on my sanity that I have left. But then again I already am. I am reliving my worst nightmares, both ones I have experienced and taken part in. For no one can punish me more than I am punishing myself.

Time seems to fade away. Neither quickly or slowly. My heart pumps irregularly, each pump echoing in my ears. I am still facing the door, my hand slowly falls off the handle. As my hand falls to my side I snap out of it.

I take a large breath, adrenalin running through my veins, I don't think, just react. I swing my body around, stumbling a bit on my feet. I close my eyes and exhale. My mind suddenly becomes bombarded with thoughts, feeling and concerns I try and shut it off. I walk almost mechanically like, past the curtain and into the room.

My heart is in my mouth. I can fell it beating so rapidly I'm surprised it hasn't exploded out of my chest. All this pain I've felt for weeks, weeks on end is it finally ending? A moment ago I was literally ready to take my life. I could see no reason not to. To end this nightmare that had so easily become a reality. This nightmare that I have been living has it finally come to and end. Was it over?

I walk gingerly towards the bed that once held a lifeless body, the body  of the boy I had fallen in love with. Now his body remains, just not lifeless. I am so paralysed both in fear and in shock. Surly this isn't possible.

He just lays there. I can hear his harsh breathing and walk over to him. All attempts of not thinking fly out the window and my fingers ghost over his delicate features. Suddenly the once lifeless body takes a sharp breath. Shocked I snap my hand away from his face. I take a few steps back when his breathing becomes more intense. Harsh and rapid. Then without warning they open.

His eyes.

His piercing blue eyes.

The sapphires that have haunted me for a long time, to long.

They just stare up at the ceiling, for a moment I swear I see black, just emptiness. An emptiness that is so profound that I cannot fathom the source of it. Still rooted in place with my eyes stuck on the boy in front of me.  His expression turns to one of confusion and I can't explain it, something's missing. I cant handle it. The sudden awakening that shouldn't be possible. But his eyes, so bright, so innocent they physically pain me.

I find myself crumpled on the floor. All this time I have waited, for him to come back. All the times I've told myself that he would be fine yet didn't believe it myself. I can't remember the amount of times I have prayed for his eyes to open. Yet I always knew that he wasn't going to make it, that it was my fault. I guess I was wrong. I lay there shaking violently on the floor. Trying to believe what is in front of me.

The boy I love, alive.

"P-Phil?! I-is that r-really you?!" I manage to get out. Tears have claimed my face as a battle ground and yet again I am struggling to not pass out. Phil looks at me absentmindedly. He looks around the room as if searching for someone. He then points to himself. If I wasn't a crumpled on the floor and shocked out of my brain then I would of probably kissed him

“Are you talking to me” He asks coldly. I look up at him astonished. He can't be serious. No, no he's just messing around.

“P-Phil?” I ask hoping, praying that this was some sort of sick joke.

“Uhh?” he grumbles. No this, this cannot be happening. I can't, no. I stand up and stumble towards Phil. I put my hand out. He looks confused but does the same. I knew it was to good to be true there had to be a consequence. I don't want to do this but I have to.

" I'm Dan," I say. "And your Phil." I can feel the tears streaming evermore hurriedly down my face. “D-Dan?” the name rolls of his tongue and I can't help but shiver despite my broken state. I have waited for so long to hear him say my name. “Yes?” I reply.

“Where am I?” I don't know what to say. Should I lie? He has no idea who he is or who I am and the only thing that makes that raging fire consuming me, a little less is the fact that he doesn't remember what I have done. I can start fresh, I can start again, and this time do it right. I just cant know, him being like this doesn't change the way I feel about him, nothing can.

“Your in the hospital, uhh you were in a coma.” I'm not lying just not telling the full truth. I can't loose him when I only just got him back. I can't go through that again.

He shakes his head and lays his head back on the pillow. “I'm tired.” He yawns and I think it's about time we both get some sleep. “We'll talk in the morning, I'll ah fill you in.” He nods and falls into a deep sleep. My fingers trace the ghostly pale skin covering his face and I simply whisper.

“I love you Phil and I'm never letting you go.”