No, I'm Just Delusional (Phan) RE-WRITE IN PROCESS

Is This Even Reality?

Phil -

My eyes are foggy and I can't tell what is real or not. All memories once in the back of my mind, blocked out and locked away, forcefully and un-willingly forgotten. My hair is sticky and clings to my face, sweat dribbling from my pores. I feel trapped, my limbs suddenly tangled in a vice, wrapped so tightly around me I am suffocating. I can't breathe. Trapped once again with no idea what is real or how to tell the difference between the cruel tricks of my mind and the harsh reality. I know that I woke up and I know that thats basically all I know, but last night, last night I.. I don't know what I saw. It seemed so real. I was drowning and flashes of people and places I don't remember, a life I don't remember.

I struggle for a while and finally manage to get my eyes open, yet what I see and what I think I am seeing are two different things. For so long I have been confined to place so dark and deep in the recesses of my mind that I can't tell anymore, I can't tell whats real. I.. I just don't know. I don't know if I can trust myself anymore. I feel like the room is twisting and turning, my stomach drops and I realise that it must of just been a dream, I never really did escape the prison I was in and i'm guessing that prison was my mind. I search for my memories but come up blank. If this is just in my head why can't I remember anything? The spinning stops and I see a tall boy with chocolate brown curls that shines in the dull glow of the bedside lamp.

The room is no longer spinning and I am able to focus on the back of the boy turned away from me. It is the same boy in my dreams and the same boy who broke down on the floor when I woke up. What I woke up from I don't know, I'm not sure if I want to, but what i'm seeing it seems so real. Or maybe I just don't want to believe the alternative, that i'm still stuck in that place, that prison. I try not to dwell on that and once again I try to move my body up and am wrapped in the vice that is my sheets. I try to remember in my head the few glimpses I had of the boy. He seems so familiar. I can feel the memories trying to push past the barrier they are trapped behind, and tell me all there secrets, but they don't. His hair... it is usually straight, meaning that he had been here overnight or possibly longer. He wears a crinkled long sleeve shirt, possibly worn for several days. His legs are donned by a pair of familiar skinny jeans and on his feet a pair of black Toms. I can't see his face but i remember so clearly the bright caramel eyes that seemed to dominate everything in their sight.

On the bed side table, the only light source in the room washes over everything giving the floor an unnatural glow and the boy in front of me a colder, darker demeanour.

Dan.

The name just falls from nowhere and gatecrashes my mind. I'm guessing it's his name, it suits him. I know that somewhere, somewhere deep, deep inside me, remembers this boy. That place wants me to remember. But why him? What am I supposed to do? I have all these feelings corrupting my thoughts none of them making any sense. What has this boy done to me? I am so confused, I just wake up and suddenly I am having visions of getting drowned and people I can't remember and Dan and then, something telling me that I love him! I repeat again in my head, what has this boy done to me?

I reopen my eyes not realising they had been closed in the first place, and see that he is walking away. My mouth is numb and it won't move. I need him to stay. I need answers. I try so hard to move, only my eyes will plead my case. Desperately trying to gain his attention, to get him to notice me. I feel despair and failure slowly creeping up on me. He stops and turns around. The light emitting from the lamp only reaches so far. It hits Dan, but not me, still though I am unsure whether or not he can see me. I shut one eye and manage to keep the other open.

His caramel eyes meet mine, I don't think he knows I'm awake but there's something there. His cheeks are fresh with tears and I notice the dead look in his eyes. His hair is dark and disheveled, it is curly, a mop falling down the sides of his face. He looks down, his hair covering his face, I can hear the small taps as tears hit the floor.

"Goodbye Phil." I hear "I love you." his voice breaks he puts his hand in his mouth biting down on it with such force I am surprised it doesn't draw blood. But I don't notice this. I am to wrapped in the vortex of those words. "I love you." The pain, the anger, the sheer suffering in his voice. Like his heart had been viscously ripped apart, sown back together and then torn apart again. His voice, so soft and venerable. The light catches his eye and I can see the determined look in his eyes. I know what he is going to do and there is no way I will let him do it. He turns around again. I know why I was in love with him. He was beautiful. His face was, but I was more looking at his heart and soul. They say that the eyes are the key to soul and I guess they were right. His heart also shines from his eyes. A very obvious love in his eyes consumes him but it is so broken, he is so broken. His soul, not pure like I had expected. It shows me pain and horror, horror that he can't deal with. Whether it has been inflicted upon his self or someone else it was there and it is like a leech. Latched onto his once pure and wholesome soul and sucking the life out of him. It was killing him, it was about to. Whatever I had once felt it could still feel it trying to gnaw its way through that barrier. I knew though that Dan was special, I needed him and I do, I do...

"I love you to."

The words fly out of my mouth faster than I can think, I'm not even conscious I have said them until Dan turns around. I meet his eyes and he walks up to me places a hand on my cheek leans in and his lips meet mine.

His rough hand grips the side of my face, giving me no other option than to kiss back. He is soft and gentle but his actions are quick and frightened. I am stunned for a moment but quickly move my lips in sync with his. His finger fist my hair, pulling and tugging it and moaning when I lick his bottom lip asking for entrance. He waits a few seconds teasing me and finally opens. We meet each other dancing in the passion is our love. Our breathing has become practically non-existent and I break away wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. We press our foreheads together and breathe rapidly. I look into his eyes and he looks at me like he has never seen me before, not in a bad way but like a treasure he has been searching for his whole life. His eyes start to drip and I feel his tears fall down his cheeks and fall into my lap. I move my head back a little observing him, he blushes and looks down. I lean forward and kiss away his tears. He looks up at me in surprise. I give a smile, one covering my whole face and one graciously covers his own.

“I meant I you know, I love you Phil, more than anything, I can't... I can't even describe the complexity of it to you.” He says, looking down and his cheeks going at shade darker. I chuckle and he mets my eyes surprised again. “I know that, and I know there is still a lot to talk about but for the record. Dan?” he nods shyly. “I love you.” and I meant it, I do love him.

I do love him... right?