No, I'm Just Delusional (Phan) RE-WRITE IN PROCESS

That Night

Dan -

Life has not been the same since that night. I don't sleep, my subconscious is too plagued by nightmares. They overwhelm me with memories of that night. The stench of the blood and the cold body in my arms. It's all so real. I haven't eaten in a long time. Whenever my mother comes she just yells and me and I put up my shell. I don't talk to her I don't look and her, to be honest I can't face her. I don't know what to say, there is nothing to say. No words can describe the need I have for Phil right now. Everyday the longing gets more intense. It is harder to move, to think to function. I don't know how long I have been curled up in this chair, just starring at him.

He looks as broken as ever. Not moving, he has to receive all of the medication and food through tubes. I want to look away but I don't, I don't deserve to. All the pain all the suffering I have put him through. It is like knew this was going to happen yet I still did it. The sad thing is though up until the morning I discovered Phil's arms I didn't care what happened to him and I didn't even think of all the trauma I have put him through.

I have tried so hard to push the most disturbing memory away. I start to shake when I remember. The tears seem to intensify and I can't stop the flashbacks. It seems so real like it is happening all over again. I only remember vaguely and I don't know how to stop it.

I sit now in the hospital chair next to Phil's bed. I look up a him. I can feel my cheeks pale and I wipe away the tears. I unravel myself from the ball I have been in for days and cringe when my legs ache. I swiftly move the chair over to Phil's bed. I look at his face. It is eerily calm. His midnight hair clings to his face and perspiration trickles down his neck and cheek. I look down at his hand, wanting to hold it so bad. After about five minutes I give up and grab it, relishing in his touch. Then I notice how cold it is, how lifeless he seems. I start to hear harsh breathing and shout “Nurse!” A nurse runs in and shouts something, I'm not listening, I'm too focussed on Phil. He is shaking yet his eyes stay closed. The nurse struggles to get me to leave the room and finally achieves her goal, telling me that I'll just make it worse. I stand there, my face centimetres from the door.

I know she's right so I walk down the hall and turn the corner, taking refuge in one of the hospital chairs. I curl myself up and close my eyes, knowing what's coming.

*

Its cold. I haven't got many layers on. We were planing on going on a walk, but being pissed of our heads, we decided it would be a good idea to go into the forest at 3 am in the morning. Pj ,myself and a couple of other guys had snuck into a bar and bribed the bartender. Eventually though we got kicked out and decided to go for a walk.

We now find ourselves outside the forest and all giggling and hiccuping ridiculously. I don't remember much after that only that somehow we had managed to find ourselves near a small creek that looked pretty deep. I look across at all the smiling faces and I notice PJ starring at me weirdly, I shake it off. We hear a branch snap and all of our heads snap up. We all take notice to a figure looking around worriedly off to the right of the creek.

I look at PJ and then at a few of the others, nodding, signalling that we'll go and check it out. I stand up and take a bunch of guys and go back around and do a loop and the other guys follow the creek towards the stranger.

We end up trapping the figure and I notice that it is a relatively tall male. Still on the buzz of the alcohol I pick up a rather heavy rock and loge it at the strangers head. They turn just in time and it hits them on the left cheek. The person groans and falls to the floor. We all chuckle and rush over. I pull his hands away from his face and let the moons light shine on his face. We all burst out laughing. It is Lester.

PJ struts over and picks him up by his hair and the pain in his eyes is obvious but we choose to ignore it.Somehow we end up by the creek again. We found some old rope and tied Lester up and leant him up against the tree.We gagged him so he couldn't scream and we all walked over to him. He tried to shuffle away but the tree blocked his way.

I walk ahead of the others. "You filthy piece of trash you deserve you die, you know that right you have no reason to be here on this earth, oh wait, other than to be our punching bag." We all laugh at my shitty joke and continue hurling insults at him.

Someone pulls out a knife and makes a few intricate cuts along his cheek bones and jaw line. I grab the knife and down the side of his neck write if big letters 'FAGGOT'. Blood drips down his mechs ms face and I hand the knife over to PJ who has some fun if his own.

After a while we get bored an someone shouts out "CHUCK HIM THE RIVER!" Everyone looks at me expectantly and I walk towards Lester a caring mask plastered on my face. He takes notice of my expression and softens slightly. I crouch down next to him and bring my hand up and slap him across the face swiftly. Be looks shocked but I couldn't care less. The boys behind me chuckle and move towards Lester. "CHUCK HIM IN THE CREEK!" I yell and am met with an uproar of delight.

"One, Two,Three!" The boys holding him shout as they throw a struggling Lester into the dark waters of the Creek. We all slap each other on the back and ten I notice one guy looking rather nervously into the water. I think his name is Chris. 

"Do you think he'll be alright?" He asks me a little to concerned. "You wanna go in to?" I ask seriously, he shakes his head and returns his gaze on the water. 

"Guys he should be up now." I hear Chris say and we all go silent. We look into the water and everyone but me and Chris move away. He takes off he jacket, shirt and shoes and dives in. I stand there stunned, feeling dizzy. 

After a couple of seconds Chris pokes his head up searching frantically, then he notices a few bubbles and dived under again. The next time he comes up successful and has an unconscious, drenched and still bound Lester in his arms.

He doggy paddles over to the bank and climbs out gingerly. I am feeling worse the dizziness unbearable. Before I hit the ground though I do notice everyone fleeing, including Chris.

*