No, I'm Just Delusional (Phan) RE-WRITE IN PROCESS

Loosing Control

Dan-

I remain there still stuck to the spot. The rational part of my brain is telling me to bolt, but my heart my heart is saying something else. Lester is shaking, clearly this was not planed. He opens his mouth as to say something but closes it again after a second thought. I shake my head. “No.” I voice out loud. “Dan, Dan I'm so sorry, I'm so...” I cut him off.

“NO!” I shout. I angrily push Lester away. My heart is pounding and I am struggling to suppress the feelings that are ripping my stomach in half. I jog to my car and close my eyes taking in deep breaths. My back I facing Lester and I feel tears running down my cheeks. 'Why am I feeling like this?' I ask my self.

I reach into my pocket and get out my keys, I fumble with them resulting in me dropping them. Today has definitely not been my day. I pick them up and turn my head slightly to the side. I see Lester crouched down on the ground head in his hands. I turn my head back, my anger quickly subsiding. I know I have caused this, maybe not intentionally but none the less, it is my fault.

I sigh contemplating whether to turn around or not. Without warning I my legs take control of themselves and I find myself crouched in front of Lester's shaking body.

“Who was it?” I ask startling him. The tears on my cheeks had dried and I was left with a feeling that my eyes were puffy. “What?” Was his short reply, his voice was sad and regretful. My stomach twisted and turned, I think I might be coming down with something. “ At the park, last night. Who was it?” My tone got softer and my voice turned calm.

“I-I don't know what your talking about.” Lester knew exactly what I was talking about yet I knew why he was being so stubborn. “Lester,” I said calmly. “ You can tell me.” I have no idea why I want to know so bad. Yesterday changed my life, I don't think it will ever be the same again. Lester sighed deeply. Moving from his crouched position, to sitting on the ground with his knees hugged to his chest.

“ I-I can't tell you.” He mumbled. I nearly missed it, his explanation confused me. Then it hit me. I stumbled back landing on my backside with a thump. He looked up at me confused but I just looked away and focused my gaze on the trees behind the park. 'How could I have been so stupid?!' I laughed at myself for being so ignorant. It wasn't an amused laugh it was a cruel laugh, a laugh proving what a horrible person I am.

Ever since we started high school I have been nothing but a dick to Lester. I have shoved him up against lockers, physically abused him, teased him, mentally abused him and most likely scarred him for life. Then I go and expect him to open up to me just because I know he cuts. What an idiot I tell myself again. There is no doubt in my mind that I am a waste of space, that I am a filthy rich kid. I can't deny what is completely true. Lester is just a victim of my insane need to be in charge, to be in control. I feel hot tears of anger, and hate rolling down my cheeks, not hate for Lester, hate for myself.

I go to wipe away my tears when I feel a soft hand beat me to it. I avert my gaze to the face looking so concerned down on me. I don't deserve this, and what more I like him! I freeze. What? What did I just think? I shake my head, more tears leaking out. No, no I can't do this to him, I can't do this to me. I know what I have to do, but before I do I allow myself one more luxury.

I stand up and am level with Lester. I grab his arm, not to roughly. He flinches struggling to pull his arm back. I loosen my grip just a bit, so as to not hurt him. I slowly lift the sleeve of his shirt. Lester realises my intention and struggles more. I manage to pull it up and look down at his torn up skin. “Phil.” I whisper. He whimpers and I shock both of us by leaning down and placing kisses on each of the cuts. Many of the cuts and large and look deep. I noticed them when I picked him up but I didn't realise there were so many. There was one surprisingly deep one. It looked as if it had been inflicted very recently. It kind of started and then abruptly stopped. Tears stream down my skin falling onto Lester's papery skin, I'm actually surprised it didn't sink in. I take a step back and Lester covers his arm, tears slowly cascade down his cheeks. He hastily wipes them away.

A voice stops me before I can speak. “Dan, stop crying. Look i'll make a deal with you but you promise, you swear on your life that you wont tell anyone? ” I nod.

“Phil,” Shit not again. “Itookyoutothehospital” I say it so fast that i'm nearly sure he didn't hear me. Still he surprises me when he nods and I manage a weak smile. “ It was PJ.” The smile is wiped off of my face in a desperate attempt to not loose control.

Lester takes a step back and I am shaking in furry. “How could you say that?” I scream. “ PJ has been there for me since day one and he is the only one who knows the real me!” My voice is getting louder by the second and I unconsciously take threatening steps towards Lester. Anger clouds my vision. My fists balled by my side untill I can't control it any more.

I lift my left arm and swing it around hard and fast. Lester lays whimpering on the ground. His face covered in blood and his eyes scrunched up tight. He wraps his arms around his head and curled up into a ball. Sobbing uncontrollably. I stand there lost in my own world, struggling to overcome the anger that had consumed my body. I slowly sink to the ground.

Cautiously I move over to Lester. As I get closer he whimpers louder and more tears flood his cheeks. “Phil, Phil I'm so sorry, I-I didn't mean it, I j-just lost control.” He just keeps sobbing and I move a piece of hair from his eyes. He opens them reluctantly. “Phil I am truly sorry.” I look at his piercing blue eyes and I remember what I had thought just ten minutes ago. “I have to go Phil, do you want a ride home?” He just shakes his head and I get up and leave.

I sit in my car wondering how my life could get so fucked up. I like Phil Lester. I actually have feelings for him. I thought about my dad and school and I thought about Phil. I don't know how long I sat there but when I looked back at the park Lester was no longer there. He has probably just gone home, he lives around here doesn't he? I shrug. I think about how I lost control and what caused it. I had known PJ nearly my whole life thats, what got me angry. I find myself not believing my own lies. My I rack my brain thinking of all the possible reasons why I got so worked up. Then I realise.

It wasn't anger.