No, I'm Just Delusional (Phan) RE-WRITE IN PROCESS

Stolen Breath

Phil -

It has been so long, or that's how it feels. But then again, since when can I trust my instincts, that's what got me here in the first place. No sign of reality, only the vast space of my mind. A vast space that, it seems, no matter how hard I try can not be filled.

I feel like I'm loosing my mind. All thoughts and memories seem so tangled. I am confused as to what is real and what is my imagination. I am loosing touch with the real world. I'm not stupid I know I'm alive, or I guess, I'm just not willing to consider the alternative.

I feel like I am beginning to loose hope. Hope that I need in order to go on, but lately or for however long, I have felt so hopeless. I know I can't go into that dark place again, because for some reason I feel like this time I won't be able to get out. However, lately it, it seems inevitable. That its only a matter of time until I give up, until I stop trying to remember, trying to remember the past.

Trying to preserve those memories. But now I'm not so sure if I want to. If I want to go on. I don't know where I am, as far as I know I'm in my head, caged in my head. I can't see and so far I don't know if I can even move.

One thing I know for sure is that if I'm like this I any longer I won't be able to survive. I need colour and patterns and people and wind and sun, hell I need Dan. I guess he's the one thing that is keeping me sane. The mere thought of his skin on mine makes me shiver, or at least I think it does. His talk frame and passive eyes, that can seem so hostile but I know the hurt behind them. I know how hard it is for him, I might of hated him before but I can see it that's what makes me like him even more. That he's like me. He might not be as damaged as me but I can't relate to him and maybe even help him. I know I never had a chance with him and it hurts, it hurts like hell but I can deal with it, I always do.

I just miss him

I miss his smile, that you saw once in a blue moon, I miss the way he would brush his hair out of his face, I miss his voice, I miss the way his hair had hints of auburn when it hit the sun, i miss the way he would scrunch up his face when he didn't agree with someone or something, i just, I just miss him.

That's when I decide. I am going to get out of this place, I am going to get out if I have to break every bone in my body. I search, I look every where. Yet every where I look I am met with darkness, an infinite darkness.

Suddenly off in the black distance I see a door, a red door with a large sign on the front saying exit. I race towards it. I am slow. I finally reach the door, my hand grabs the handle tightly and I take a deep breath. 'I'm coming Dan, for you , I'm coming.' I swing open the door and am met with yet another endless oblivion of nothingness. No floor, no colour, no patterns, no people, no wind, no sun, no Dan.

I realize now what the sign meant by 'Exit', it meant death. I realize all to soon that this is not what I want. But it's pulling me in, I try so hard, so, so hard to run back , but I can't.

Then it gets me.

I am pulled down and down and down. The abyss never ending. I close my eyes tight but realize that the door, getting ever smaller, is still open. I close my eyes again and will myself upwards.

Closer and closer.

I take a sharp breath, my eyes bolting open. I look around unsure of where I am. I see a boy over near the door. His eyes are bloodshot from lack of sleep, sickly pale skin, disheveled hair, furrowed eyebrows, his expression one of complete and utter shock.

I lay there panting, still trying to get over what just happened, I don't even know what happened. I don't know where I am, I don't know who this boy is.

The boy suddenly falls to the ground and bursts out in tears. "P-Phil?! I-is that r-really you?!" He stumbles through his tears. I look around confused. I point to myself and ask "Are you talking to me?" He looks up astonished. "P-Phil?" He asks clearer, still stumbling over that slightly familiar name. "Uhh?" I grumble confused. The boy stands up and walks slowly towards me, more like stumbles towards me. I don't know how to react. He extends his hand, I reach out to meet his hand.

" I'm Dan," he says. " And your Phil." Before bursting out in to tears yet again.