The Connect

Chapter Twelve

    When I told my friends what happened, there were a lot of tears. Everyone was a crying mess. We didn't know when we'd see him again or if we'd ever see him again. We were a mess.
    Word got out that he was seen in many places and the fans that helped him out told the police they saw him and that he left willingly. The police asked us about Changkyun but we pretended we didn't know anything.
We were a complete mess for the first few months following Changkyun's departure. I was so sad I felt like my heart was being stabbed slowly and non stop. I quit my job, I barely left the house, I cried all day, I didn't work out, barely showered, I was the definition of a mess. The others were hurting almost as much but I could tell they tried to keep it together for me, to be strong for me. They tried to comfort me at all times but it was almost pointless. I felt at loss, I was constantly scared, worried, anxious, depressed.
The day the police told us they'd stop looking for him, that there was a chance he was dead, was the day I felt like dying. If he was dead I wanted to be dead too. That's how I felt then. We were all heartbroken. We knew him being dead was a strong possibility.
For about six months, it felt like my ribs were knives and that everytime my heart beat, it got stabbed. That's how much pain I was in, constantly.
But then one day all these awful feelings were suddenly gone. Just like that. I stopped missing Changkyun as badly, stopped feeling so lost and devastated, and started living my life. And even though I didn't want to, it was like I lost control of my mind, and it was so frustrating.
After those feelings were gone, time went by quickly. Days, weeks, months, years. I started living again. I started working out again, going out a lot more, spending more time with the kids, like before, I even opened a business with Hyunwoo, a gym, I moved on like Changkyun demanded I did. Not because it was my choice but because I had no control of it. And even though the other feelings were gone, I lived with the constant feeling that something was off, something always felt wrong.
And then I met her. Chanhee. She was a beautiful, tall, curvy and sexy woman. When we met, she was wearing loose gym wear, her hair was braided, hair long enough to touch her butt, full lips tinted red. She was perfect.
After she got a membership at the gym, she showed up every day. I was assigned as her personal trainer by Hyunwoo. I liked her, she was funny, bold, sexy, cute, sassy. A lot like Changkyun. So much like Changkyun, I would've cried from missing him and how much she reminded me of him if I wasn't under mind control.
Chanhee and I became close friends. At first, I didn't dare to ask her out even though I liked her, all I did was look at her and smile. But then she was the one to ask me out, being the bold woman she is. I said yes, of course.
It's been three years since Changkyun left me at that alley. Three years since he took my heart with him. Chanhee and I have been together for one and a half years now. Even though I'm with her and I really like her and the sex is really good, I don't love her. Things never feel right. She isn't Changkyun. He still won't leave my mind. I might have kept going like Changkyun said I had to but I still love him, he's still the love of my life.
When Chanhee told me she loved me, I lied saying I loved her back. She asked me to move in with her but I told her I wasn't ready. Because as hard as I tried to fall for her, I couldn’t. Because I felt like if I did love her, I would be betraying Changkyun. And even if he betrayed me, I would never betray him. I feel guilty for being with someone I don’t truly love. I try to ignore that feeling but it's always there. Something always feels off.
Olivia really likes Chanhee. She even started braiding her hair like Chanhee does every day. Chanhee is a journalist so Olivia says she wants to be a journalist just like Chanhee. They get along very well.
My friends, though, they don't like Chanhee, neither does Namkyu. Of course, they're very nice to her but they don't trust her. They don't like that she comes to family dinners or that I try to include her in things as part of the family. And I get that, they weren't mind-controlled like me, it was easier for me to live on. To keep going. Like Changkyun told me to. But for them, it wasn’t easy at all. I watched them struggle throughout these years as I got by the easy way, by being mind-controlled.
It has been two years since we opened the gym and it's doing great. Since everybody knew I was Changkyun's boyfriend, many of his fans became members of the gym as an attempt to hear stories about him and find out things about him. I share stories of us both with his fans all the time, nothing too intimate, though. Which made them like me and made them wanna stay.
Today has been a slow day, though. It's almost Chinese New Year so most people go home to see their family. Since my only family are my friends, their parents always come to our house and we all celebrate together.
There's only one person at the gym by 8:30, she's a nice young girl, twenty years old. She started working out here because she's a fan of Changkyun but stayed because she really likes the gym. We are friends, not close but we always chat since she usually stays late at the gym, so it's usually just us and a couple of other students.
I stand by the treadmill she's running on. We are talking about her trip back home, that she's leaving on New Year's day since she has to work until the day before. We tell each other about our families and she tells me about how she's planning on having a baby. She says she might be too young but she really wants a kid and she really loves her husband.
"Hoseok." Our conversation is interrupted by someone calling my name.
When I turn around I'm shocked to see Changkyun standing there. And my heart begins to beat faster as it usually does when I'm around him. He's alive. He's alive. He came home. He looks so different. His hair is dark, longer, his piercings are gone, he has a huge scar on his forehead and a bigger one on his neck, there are bags under his eyes, he looks tired and he's wearing way too little clothes for the January weather. He's staring at me intensely and I can't move or speak. I feel like crying like never before in my life but I can't. I can't do anything. It is like he's in my head. Like he's holding me in place with his mind. And it makes me so much angrier and him.
The girl by my side squeals and jumps from the treadmill. "Changkyun oppa!" She yells.
"Grab your stuff, go home and forget I was ever here." He says to her and she does exactly what he says, without even blinking or questioning him. Guess his powers grew stronger since he left. Now he can control minds without touching people.
I wanna yell at him, punch him, hug him, kiss him, but I can't even move. And I am also so shocked I don’t even know what I would do if I could move. But I know that all my heart wants is to forget everything, run to him and be with him forever. Because he's alive.
"Hi." He says, walking closer to me. "You look beautiful.” He tells me and sighs. “I came to free you. From my commands, you know, when I told you not to be sad and… Well… I free you from my previous commands." When he says that last part, tears stream down my face, and my heart fills with the familiar sadness. It's like all the sadness I was supposed to have felt for the last two and a half years come crashing down. And it hurts a lot. The knives are back up in my chest stabbing my heart at every beat. I drop down to the floor crying like a baby and he gets down on his knees by my side to cup my cheeks and look into my eyes.
“I missed you so fucking much.” He says then takes a deep breath. "I know you're angry." He says. "I'm sorry I took so long to come back."
He's reading my mind. I hate him right now. I love him so much. I'm so happy he's here, yet so angry, so sad. Ugh, why can’t I control my damn tears. I can't look away from him.
"Taking them down took longer than expected." He whispers, eyes filling with tears, glued to my own. Taking them down? The bad guys ?"I'm sorry I left like I did." He whispers. "But if I didn't, they'd keep coming after me—after us… for the rest of our lives and I...” He caresses my cheeks with his thumbs, eyes roaming over my face, and gives me a soft smile. "You look so beautiful." He whispers. "I'm so proud of you. You have done so much since I left..."
He stares at me for a long moment and I sit there frozen, crying. Suddenly, I  gain back control of my body and I am able to move my hands. But I keep sitting there, staring at him and crying. Then he pulls me closer and presses his lips hard against mine. I'm shocked but happy. I don't push him away, all this time all I've ever desired was to have him in my arms, kiss him, touch him. I'm so happy he's alive even if I'm upset, upset he left like that, took away my freedom, didn't let me look for him, I'm just glad he's alive.
"How could you leave me?" I whisper between sobs as he begins to leave kisses on my cheek and forehead. "How could you…" I sob and sniff, looking away from him.    
"I'm sorry, I… I missed you so much." He whispers and leaves soft pecks on my lips. "Fuck, I missed you so fucking much, Hoseok."
I place my fists on his chest and softly push him away, looking into his eyes. “Where were you?" I cry. "I thought you were dead."
"Baby, I told you I'd come back." He whispers and presses a soft kiss to my lips but I push him away again.
"You can’t just… show up like this and kiss me like nothing ever happened. I can't believe you did this to me, I—”
“I just…” He presses his fists against his eyes, looking like he is trying to hold back his tears. “I'm sorry." He cries. "I just missed you so much.”
He tries to kiss me again but I stop him, softly pushing him away. "Show me everything." I demand.
He looks at me and tilts his head. “What?"
"I wanna know everything that happened while you were gone." I tell him, standing up, wiping away my tears and trying to get myself together, to look tough. "Show me what happened."
He sighs, standing up from the ground. "I can't."
"What do you mean you can't?" I ask, still crying, trying to stop sobbing like an idiot but not being able to. "You left me for three years, Changkyun. You promised you would never leave me!" Anger starts taking the best of me.
"I can't, Seok, I-I'm sorry but I can't—"
"You told me you'd never leave me again and you did!" I raise my tone, trying to make myself sound tough even though I can't stop crying. "So I need to know why! I need to know what was more important than being here with me! What was more important than me!"
"Hoseok, nothing is more important than you." He says, calmly and puts his hands on my cheeks to wipe my tears with his thumb. "I left so I could be with you."
"You're full of shit!" I whisper, wiping away my tears, trying to control them.
"Seokie, all I've ever wanted is to be with you." He says, trying to take my hand but I slap his hand away.
"Do you think I'll believe anything you say after all this shit?" I ask. "You've read my mind, right? You've seen how much I've suffered because of what you did."
"Baby, I'm so sorry." He takes a deep breath, tears streaming down his face. "I'm so sorry. I just wanted to fix things so we could be safe. I—"
I'll only believe you if you show me what's in your mind!"
"I can't. I can't show you."
"Then just leave." I tell him then turn around heading straight to my office because I just wanna sit down and cry, I can barely stand from the amount of sadness I feel. I get in the office and lie down on the couch on my side, hands tucked under my head, taking a deep breath.
He follows me, though, to the office, and sits by my side on the couch, back pressed against my stomach, closing and locking the door with his mind.
"If you look into my mind, you'll run off forever." He tells me and places a hand on my shoulder to caress him.
And even if he is looking at me, I refuse to look at him. I cross my arms, pouting and crying like a child. "You said you can control what you show me." I sniff and sob. "So just show me what you have to show me."
"I can't." He says. "Because everything I did was awful. Everything that happened was awful." He sighs deeply. I look into his eyes and he looks absolutely devastated. "The minute I drove off that alley I... I'm not the same as I was before. I did awful things. And I'm no better than the people who were after me."
"Show me." I cry out. "Just—"    
Changkyun interrupts me by roughly pressing his lips against mine and getting on top of me. He holds me down and keeps me in place. He's so much stronger now, stronger than me.
I can't stop myself from kissing him back. Drinking in his scent, his taste, the feeling of his tongue on mine finally making everything feel right. I missed him so much. I kiss him deeply, passionately and desperately. We are soon full on making out.
He runs his hand down my shirt to touch my nipple with his fingers then pulls my shirt up with his other hand. But I stop him by pressing a hand against his chest, shirt pooled under my armpits. I am not a cheater, as much as I wanna be with Changkyun, as much as I want this, I don’t wanna cheat on anyone.
"Stop." I whisper with my eyes closed, out of breath from the eager kisses.
"She doesn't love you." He tells me. "And you don't love her."
"Stop reading my mind." I tell him.
"Sorry." He whispers, caressing my chest over my shirt. "I just got used to doing it all the time."
"She loves me." I tell him. "I don't wanna cheat on her."
"She doesn't love you." He says, looking right into my eyes for a moment then sighs deeply. "You can't trust her."
I open my eyes and frown, tilting my head. "What? You don't even know her!"
He looks into my eyes and touches my cheek to caress it, wiping my tears away with his thumb as I keep crying. "I know everything."
"What?" I scoff.
"You can't trust her, Hoseok."
"You leave for three years and now you think you have the right to come back here and act jealous? Tell me who I can and can’t trust?"
He sighs. "Trust me."
It's laughable, really. Him asking me to trust him. But what is more laughable is that I am such a big idiot I still trust him. "You're kidding me, right?"
He doesn't say anything and keeps looking into my eyes, caressing my chest, then he leans down and presses his lips against mine again in a soft and slow kiss.
"Why didn't you wait for me?" He whispers, brushing his lips against mine. "I told you I would come back."
I take a deep breath. "You told me to keep living." I tell him. "Even though I didn't want to, I didn't have any control."
"I'm sorry." He says. "About everything."
I stare into his eyes for a long moment, it feels like I'm hypnotized. My pride keeps trying to hide the fact that I'm glad he's here, that I love and trust him, that I'd do anything for him, but it's so hard. "I'm an idiot."
He blinks rapidly. "Why would you say that?"
"Because after all you have done my heart is still willing to forgive you." I say, breathless, sobbing as tears keep streaming down my face.
He smiles, caressing my cheek, trying to wipe the tears as they fall down my cheeks. "Because you love me." He whispers. "And I love you."
I raise my eyebrows. "Do you?"
"Of course." He assures me.
"But you left me." I tell him. "Twice. And yet you say you love me, so I don't even know if love means anything to me anymore."
"Of course it does." He whispers. "Or else you wouldn't even listen to a word I have to say."
I cross my arms and huff. "Maybe I won't."
"But you want to."
"I told you to stop reading my mind."
"I'm not."
The way he looks into my eyes is very intense, like he can see my soul. We keep our eyes locked for a moment. The mood feels intense. Changkyun is intense, he's different, rougher, different from his usual self.
"Are you back for good?" I whisper and sniff. "Are you here to stay?" I ask, I hope he can't see how hopeful I am through my expression.
"I don't know." He replies. "If you want me to stay, I'll stay."
"I…" I place my hands on his hips, sob as the tears slide down my cheeks. "I'm so mad at you, Changkyun."
He nods. "I know, baby."
"I hate… I hate how I couldn't feel what I was meant to feel and I-I. I hate how fast I moved on. I hate how everything felt wrong and off and…" I sob and press my fists to his chest, hard, but he doesn't even move by the impact of my fists. "I hate that you left me. I hate you so fucking much."
He leans down, cupping my chin and presses a soft kiss to my lips. When he kisses me, the anger and sadness fade away for a moment and I focus on his lips, how soft, sweet and familiar they are, how good they feel on mine. "I love you." He whispers, brushing his lips against mine. "All I thought about was you.”
I nod and let him kiss me again and again, not being able to control myself or let my pride and anger be strong enough to stop me from letting him kiss me. I let him kiss my lips, my cheek, my neck. I kiss him back with so much desire and love. I feel so relieved and happy to have him here, to be kissing him, I can't help but cry as we kiss, making the kiss mess not only because of how emotional we are but because of all the tears.
“The thought of you made me wanna keep going." He whispers between kisses on my lips." It made me wanna keep fighting.” He whispers, nuzzling my nose. “Fighting so I could come back to you. So we would be safe together.” He presses his forehead against mine and sniffs and I feel his tears drip down to my cheeks. “Made me wanna survive when I wanted to give up."
I open my eyes and cup his chin so he opens his and we look into each other’s. "You wanted to give up?" I ask.
He nods and sighs. “But I didn’t." Changkyun whispers. "I promised I would come back, didn’t I?”
I give him a soft smile then nod .He looks at me for a moment, caressing my cheeks with his thumb and smiles at me. Then he gets off me, standing up and sits on the chair across from the couch. Now he doesn't look at me anymore, he spins the pen that's on the floor with his mind and keeps staring at it.
"Changkyunie?" I call his name softly, sitting up on the couch and looking at him. He sighs but doesn't say anything. "What is it?" I whisper. He remains quiet, staring at the pen. "What's wrong?"
Changkyun sighs deeply. "I can't show you what happened."
"Why not?" I ask.
He sighs again. "Because… it was bad, Seok."
"I don't care." He says. "We've shared everything there is to share, haven't we?"
"It's different." He sighs. "You'll… you will change, you—"
"I won't." I say.
"You will." He says. "Everything will change."
"It won’t." I utter. "I know who you really are.”
“I’ve changed.” He says and purses his lips.
“I will love you no matter what, Changkyun.”
“You won’t.” He says with no emotion in his tone. “When you see it, things will change. I know I… I'll be alone. I’ll be alone again.” He whispers like he is talking to himself.
“You won't be alone.” I assure him and reach out to grab his hand. “You may have broken your promise to never leave me but I'll never break mine."
He raises his head to look at me. He looks confused as if he never knew I wouldn’t abandon him even though I have told him many times I never would.
"I don't break my promises like you do." I tell him
He stares at me for a moment then nods and sighs deeply. "I should go." He says and stands up, letting go of my hand.
"What?" I stand up too, standing in front of him. "No." I say and grab him by the arm. "Where are you going?"
"I should… I should just go, Seok."
"Please, don't… Don't go again."
He gives me a soft smile then runs his hands through my hair. "I can’t show you what happened, Seokie.”
I take his hand again and give him a soft smile. “It won’t change how I see you.” I tell him. “I promise.”
“I can’t." He tells me. “I can’t, Seokie.” He lets go of my hand and pulls his arm off my grip. “And I should go, I-I should--”
"You said you missed me" I whisper, my head aching from crying so much.
He leans in and gives me the softest kiss, lingering there for a while. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer to deepen the kiss, pushing my tongue in his mouth. He wraps his arms around my waist and holds me tight as if I will disappear at any moment. The desperation as we kiss, coming from us both, makes things more and more intense.
Kissing him feels like coming home, it makes everything fit perfectly, we fit perfectly, my heart feels with joy just by having him here. My mind is a mess, there are so many feelings, but all I focus on are his lips on mine.
To my surprise, he is the one to pull away from the kiss. We are both breathing heavily. I can feel his warm breath on my lips as he brushes them against mine. He is tugging at the collar of my shirt and I’m tugging at the end of his shirt, tightly, afraid he will disappear again.
    “You can’t trust her.” He whispers.
    “Why?”
    “I love you.” He says, taking a step back, away from me
    And one second I am looking right into his eyes, the next he is gone. Literally gone. He disappears right in front of my eyes. Shit, how many new powers does he have now?