𝐌𝐘𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅 | Hwang Hyunjin

2.0

~

Hyunjin's pov

"I messed up so bad", is all I can say. I can't breathe.
I can feel the sweat all over me.

"Hyunjin, no. You did great", Chan says. It feels and sounds like he's far, far away, even tho he's right next to me.
My legs can't proberly hold me anymore.
I Fall to the ground, but two persons - I don't even know who it is - immediately lift me up again and help me walking.

It feels like my surrounding is just passing by, not like I'm moving. 
Everything is getting blurry.
"We have to bring him into the waiting room."

I don't know who it is but two people are carrying me into the waiting room. Or I think it is the waiting room. It doesn't really matter anyways, I don't care we're I am. I feel like my lungs have shrinked to the size of two golfballs, I still can't breathe.

I get laid down and someone gives me a paper bag to breath.
I still really don't feel better.

I messed it up. It was like I was expecting it. We prepared this performance for so long, and I still couldn't do my part properly.

~
Soomin's pov

"What happened?", I ask worried.
After manager Suho told me that Hyunjin had a panic attack, I immediately went back to the Stray kids waiting room.

"I don't really know. He kept saying he messes up and he was talking this nonesense."
"Oh fuck."

We arrive at the room. I immediately go to Hyunjin. He's laying on the floor, someone put his feet up. They took off his shirt, what was more like a corset, but it was pretty thight.

He's breathing into a paper bag, but it doesn't really seems to work. There also was a wet towel on his forehead to cool him down.
I run towards him. Everyone around him makes space for me.

"He doesn't react to anything we're saying anymore", Chan explains.
I knee down next to him and grab his face to make him look at me.
"Hyunjin. Hyunjin can you hear me?", I ask him.

~~
Hyunjin's pov

I can hear her voice. It's the only voice I can hear and I can see her. She's like an angel.
"Breath, you understand? Breath in-"

I do what she says. I take a deep breath, I breath in all the air from the bag.
"And breath out."
I let all the air out of my lungs again.

"Keep going. Breath in- and out. Breath in- and out."
Soomin takes away the paperback when I begin to breathe regularly again.

She wipes away my tears. I didn't even notice that I cried. I'm so embarrassing.
"Are you better?", she asks.
I nod.

"What happened?", she asks in a calm voice.
"I messed up. Everyone saw it. I told you I'm not good enough. I don't deserve it, I-"

"Hyunjin, stop, you are talking bullshit", she interrupts me and makes me breathe in and out a few times again as she noticed I wasn't breathing regularly again.

"Nobody noticed it. Even if you did, nobody saw it", she says after some time.

I look her into the eyes.
I can't really answer anything.
I'm still not sure if she's right or not, but I believe her. She wouldn't lie to me, wouldn't she?

"Are you sure?"
"Yes. And even if someone did notice, it's not that big of a deal."
I slowly nod.
Maybe she's right.

The girl smiles at me and lowers her hand with wich she was holding my face.

I notice that it was completely silent in the room. I look around, so does Soomin. Everyone is just staring at us, nobody is even moving.

"Uhm, can someone give him some water?", she asks to break the silence.
And everyone starts to whisper again.
"Here", Hana gives Soomin a water bottle.
I take a sip, Soomin helps me because I was shaking and couldn't even hold the water bottle. 

~~
Soomin's pov

"Sleep well, Hyunjin", I whisper. We all decided that it was better when I am closer to him because I am his personal therapist or something. I don't know what it is, but apparently he's the most comfortable with me.

"You too", Hyunjin whispers back.
I have to admit that this kinda feels better.
I don't know if this is selfish, so I hope he's feeling better too.

I felt a little bit lonely the last days. But after a talk with Chan, he made me realize how good I could handle Hyunjin's panic attacks. Nobody can do that except me. And I don't think that's a really good thing. He should not need me at all. I just hope that it gets better.

I really hope that for him. But I want to help him too.
I open my eyes and look at him. It's dark, but I still can see him a little bit.

I reach out to touch his hair, I put the strains out of his face.
I can see him smile. He's not sleeping yet, but he doesn't open his eyes.

I also have to smile a little bit. Then I turn around and close my eyes. I'm really tired. My work is pretty exhausting, I have to run around the whole time. And especially at an award show like today.

~~~~~