Comeback

9 - No longer there

Sanem

I'm there, but I'm not there anymore.

For months now I've been surviving an empty, muffled existence where the outside world comes in as a distant, indistinct echo in which I have no interest.

I've realized I'm no longer at home, I'm in a hospital probably because I see doctors and informants every day bustling around me.

They give me pills that allow me every now and then to turn off the switch in my mind, for a few hours every day I can close my eyes without nightmares and without the uninterrupted movie running endlessly through my mind.

When I'm not under the effect of those wonderful pills I constantly see and review every single frame of an entire year, but in no particular order, so I can't even enjoy for a few moments the beautiful moments we lived, which are immediately replaced by the ones I hated:

- Hoscakal , goodbye -
- You for me are the other -
- Hoscakal , goodbye -
-Ben ayrılıyorum, I am leaving, I accept the offer of Polen -
-Hoscakal goodbye-
- Biz, biz, biz, we, we, there is no we Sanem-
-Hoscakal farewell-

My body is now an empty shell without a soul.
My heart and soul are far away, I'm with the albatross that left me and went away, there is nothing and no one left for me, I let the days pass all the same, one after the other.

I'm just waiting for the pills to give me the bliss of a deep sleep every now and then, and sometimes even to give me a dream where I can see him, touch him and hold him to me.
It doesn't happen often, but it does happen and I continue to live waiting for those few artifacts moments.

There is nothing more for me in this world, not a present nor a future, there is only an endless past that lasted a year but that my photographic memory will be able to reproduce forever without every wonderful smile, every loving look, every word that pierced my heart, being faded in the slightest in my memory.

I don't know how long I've been here, I don't care, I don't care about anything, I just know that I'm waiting for my happy pill, that will silence my mind and that another day will pass...

Another day, another night, another day, another night.... without him.