shake the dust // JENLISA

Chapter 4

Lisa hadn't realized how far out she'd driven until she took the drive back. Nine hours. Nine goddamn hours. Lisa obviously hadn't been in the state of mind to even realize how far she was driving. To be fair, her entire soul had felt like it was crumbling from the inside. But as she drove back, there was a curious sense of... nothing. No anger, no anticipation. Lisa knew what she needed to do, what needed to happen. If this didn't work, then those divorce papers she had hidden at work only needed her signature. She didn't even feel scared about it anymore, or hurt. It was just a fact of life.

If they couldn't sort their differences out, then they were definitely better off ending things and finding other people-though, Lisa wasn't certain if she would ever be interested in a relationship again. Sex, sure. That was something she knew she couldn't really live without-masturbation was a thing, but a boring thing when the need really hit-and she was still confident in her ability to seduce women. It had been so, so long since she'd thought of that. God, she felt ancient, and she was only thirty-one. Jennie had taken all her good years. They had been good years, though. Really good.

"Give me a call if you feel like eleven years are worth something."

Lisa frowned. Chaerin had seemed very peculiar. Like probably was a huge creeper. But there had been a definite intelligent look in her eyes, a deep understanding that made Lisa pause from dismissing her as a crazy lady. It was thanks to that, that Lisa had decided to pack up, shove her shit in her car and buckle in for the ride back.

Lisa's city blurred by her before too long. She gripped the steering wheel so tightly that her fingers went white. The closer she got to their house, the more her stomach clenched tight with nerves. Before she knew it she was taking the wrong turn and driving away, towards Jisoo and Chaeyoung instead of Jennie. She didn't stop to question herself, just focused on her destination, on the steady, continuous thump of her heartbeat. When she arrived by Jisoo's flat, she was unnervingly calm. She cut the engine and sat in the driveway for a moment, then climbed out and headed up to Jisoo's door to knock three times.

At first there was nothing. No one answered, there was no noise beyond. Lisa knocked again, harder and with more urgency. It was almost nine in the evening, there was no way Jisoo wasn't home. Unless she and Chaeyoung had decided to go out for dinner, or something. They could have been anywhere for all Lisa knew. Where did that leave her? To go back home? She wasn't ready to see Jennie again, not until she was utterly sure that this was the right step to take. She needed her friends. What if Jisoo doesn't come home tonight? Where do I go?

She pulled her phone out and tapped on Jisoo's contact. Suddenly the door swung open, revealing Jisoo's form and uncharacteristic scowl. Her expression brightened immediately when Lisa lifted her head.

"Lisa?"

Lisa lifted a brow. Jisoo was wearing a gown-a thin one-and appeared to be nude otherwise. Her hair was pretty messy, too, and her eyes were a little too bright. Shame and embarrassment filled Lisa and she had to resist the urge to turn and rush back to her car.

"Fuck, I interrupted didn't I?"

Jisoo blushed slightly and ran a hand through her tousled hair. "It's alright, don't worry about it. I'm glad you're back. Would you like to come in? Does Jennie know you're back?"

Jisoo moved aside and Lisa entered with a small smile. As much as she felt like a jackass for invading like this, she was desperate to speak to someone about her thoughts and have someone validate what she was feeling. Chaeyoung appeared in the hallway, looking just as disgruntled, but she grinned brightly when she noticed Lisa.

"My long lost twin!" she laughed, flying into Lisa's arms for a tight hug. Lisa sighed and held her just as tightly, until Jisoo cleared her throat and they pulled apart, Chaeyoung grinning. "What? I missed seeing my face on another woman." She winked and patted Lisa's cheek. The pat turned into a harsh pinch, and Chaeyoung's face darkened. "Now you, missy, have some explaining to do. Do you have any idea how Jennie has felt since you just up and left?"

Lisa slapped her hand away. "I don't, that's the point."

Chaeyoung tsked and crossed her arms over her chest. "Go. You and Jisoo clearly have some talking to do. I'm going to take a bath and calm my hormones, since you interrupted when it was getting good." Her eyes flicked over to Jisoo, who was looking everywhere else but at them. She kissed her lightly underneath the jaw and then swaggered down the hallway to their bedroom. Lisa and Jisoo both watched her go.

"I don't understand how she goes from sister to mother so quick with you," Jisoo murmured. "It's so hot."

Lisa rolled her eyes. "Gross."

"Oh, come on. We're both adults."

"It still gross."

Lisa followed Jisoo into the kitchen where she flicked the kettle on and compiled two mugs of coffee.

"So, start at the beginning. What happened?"

Lisa hopped up on the counter and stared up at the ceiling. "I don't love her anymore," she said plainly.

Jisoo dropped her spoon. She swore softly and bent to pick it up. "I didn't..." Her cheeks flushed and she cleared her throat. "But the two of you were so in love."

Lisa clasped her hands together, studying the lines of the bones at her wrists. "That's just it. We were in love. Really in love. But now? It's like I feel nothing for her. We had a big fight. It was something stupid, like usual. And I just couldn't do it anymore. I get home to an empty bed and wake up to an empty bed, and when she is there it's like she doesn't even care. We haven't had sex in a year, Chu. The thought of touching her does nothing for me now. I... I went to a divorce attorney."

Jisoo quietly poured hot water into the mugs, and continued her silence as she stirred some milk in. She handed a mug over to Lisa and then turned to lean against the counter beside her. "That's really sad," she finally whispered. "We all thought the two of you would be forever. The way you loved each other... There was a time when I envied it badly. I wanted what you had, so badly." She swallowed and sighed. "I do have it now. I love Chaeyoung more than anything. I want to marry her, and I know I definitely want to spend the rest of my life with her."

Lisa hated hearing this. Just being reminded of how strong her feelings for Jennie had been made her stomach roll. She set her half-finished coffee aside and pulled Chaerin's card out from her pocket. "I'm considering marriage counselling," she admitted. "When I was away, I met this weird woman. But she said some things that really made me think. I've been with Jennie for eleven years, and I'm not sure of the solution is to just throw those years away."

Jisoo took both of their mugs to the sink to wash them. "I'm glad you're thinking about working on the problem, instead of giving up. What you and Jennie had is something people look for all their lives, and not many actually find it. I think you can definitely get that back." Jisoo gave her a small, hopeful smile. "If the two of you can't work things out, then I fear my faith in love with be destroyed."

Lisa rolled her eyes but hopped off the counter to step into Jisoo's arms. No matter the severity of her negative emotions, Jisoo always knew what to say or do to make her feel just a little bit better. "You really think this can work? That we can get back to what we were?"

Jisoo gently rubbed a hand along her back, soothing all of her worries. "If anyone can, it's the two of you. Give it a try. You can either save your marriage or realize that it's not worth saving. For your sake, I hope the former."

Lisa closed her eyes and relished in Jisoo's warmth. It had been so long since she'd felt physical contact from another human being. "Yeah," she said brokenly. "Me too."