I've missed a while year haven't I?
During that time, 2019 of December, I don't remember the date exactly but during that time I fell into a whirlwind of emotions. Negative emotions.
My older brother spoke shit to me. I was triggered when he called me a slut. I was already anxious because it 2as my first time wearing shorts during a church social night and his words hit me like a truck.
He spoke of the truth. The true feelings he had for me. The true shit he saw in me. He said so many hurtful words that I even forgot most of them due to it triggering me. And also because my defense mechanism works that way.
My Defense mechanism works very mysteriously. I haven't found what it does or like the other ways my existence defense itself from harmful memories and past.
He was, for once, completely honest with himself. And to me. I took all his words in. There were times when I wanted to speak out because, let's be honest almost everything he said was a lie, they were wrong. Like completely wrong. But I didn't say a single thing. I cried in the car, when he threw my precious water bottle at me, I cried when he came and shouted at me, when I ran away, when he caught up to me- I just cried. Not saying anything, just crying.
When my mom asked what was wrong, was it wrong for me to ask for my (then) bestfriend instead of her? I sometimes wish I could turn back time and asked for my sister instead of her because I knew my mom hated her. (No sensible reason though) But it doesn't matter now because as you have read, I said then.
She said I ruined the mood. Okay shit, sorry. I was triggered and had a panic attack too but we don't see that as important. My depression? That's just a joke, that's just overeating and just looking for attention, right? That's what you all said.
It's been a year since then. But I'll never forget it. I don't think I'll ever forget it. That day, you guys broke me. You really broke me. And, I am still amazed that I am still alive. You know?
It's been a year, and everything is better. But not the best. My depression is still a joke. I don't speak or make it obvious. Their actions and words are better but they occasionally trigger me and I have to smile it away before I cry at night. It's better but not to the point where they understand. I don't even think they want to understand. They just want everything to go back to normal. There was never a normal in our family. Normal was beating up your kids. That was normal. I don't know what's normal anymore.
I'm alive and well. I thank the Lord and my bestfriends over and over and over again. They rescued me when I was close to death. My Lord held me close and touched my heart. I was once again breathing. I was finally breathing again.
1 year has past and things changed. It changed for the better. I'm happier. But there is still a part of me wishing it'll be better or gets better. To the point where they're careful and understand that depression is serous.
1 years has past but I still look back at that bitter moment and think to myself, "Why?" But I don't think if it often. Only when I feel at the lowest point in my life.
