Another day.
Another feeling of hopelessness.
Another feeling of helplessness.
Another feeling of nothing.
Nothing at all.
Why do I feel this way?
Maybe I do feel...
But that feeling...
No...
These feelings are nothing good.
All I feel is sadness, anger, helpless, hopeless, useless, worthless, like I'm not meant to be here. Like, I'm another insect in the world. Although insects have reasons why they're alive but I don't...
I feel like I'm not good at anything. Like I will never do good. I will never have a successful life. I will never reach my goals. I will never reach my dreams. I will not reach anything. I feel so damn useless!!! I'm so damn worthless!!!
I'm so confused with myself. And I'm so angry at myself. I'm such an idiot. I'm so stupid. I'm not using my brain. Do I even have one? I'm never going to be good enough...
I will always be ugly.
I will always be fuqed up.
I will always be disgusting.
I will always be looked down upon.
I will never be good enough.
I will never have a purpose.
I will never live life to the fullest.
I will never live happy.
I want to run away.
I want to be gone.
I want to be far away.
I want to be alone.
Far from anyone.
Far from anything.
Far from everyone.
Far from everything.
I lie and lie.
I never speak of the truth.
I die and die
I am so far from the truth.
Why am I so miserable?
I feel so useless.
Why do I feel so disable?
I feel so worthless.
Will life ever being me happiness?
Will I ever be happy?
Will life stop bringing me sadness?
Will I ever be jolly?
I've had enough.
I want it to stop.
I've been so tough.
I'm going to stop.
Everything in my life, it seems like it will all be taken away. It will be given to me for a brief moment. Even for a second. And then poof! It's gone. Forever. And I will never find it again... I want to run away from this. I ant it to be gone. I want it to leave me. But sometimes, it's the only thing that can understand me.
I know no one will understand me. No one will try. Everyone will eventually either going to get hurt or will give up. I know so. Everyone's done it. So I've been pretending. It's the only thing I can do.
It makes them think that I'm fine.
Sometimes they will understand, but most times they get the wrong idea and think I'm lying or something.
Hey I'm not lying, I lie. A lot. I know I've been lying since I can remember. I tried to stop. I tried to change. But it's what makes people happy. So why not?
They hate me when I become honest. They hate my honesty. They hate the truth. So what can I do?
Sometimes I seek help but I don't want it. I want someone to give me wise advices but what? I don't want to. I know so many ways to release these painful feelings. I've lived through this, these painful suffering feelings, suffocating me over, and over, and over again. Continually. I sometimes think it's done! But then, I was wrong. So wrong. That I can't accept it.
I'm going crazy.
I know no one will actually care about reading this.
It's not interesting, I know.
I'm not interesting.
I don't find interest in myself.
I see myself as an ugly piece of crap.
I'm a loser.
I am forever a loser.
And that won't change.
Because no matter what I do.
No matter how gorgeous I become.
Inside, I'm hideous.
~clover
