I'm sleepy.
I've always wanted to dto change the way I live. The way I am, the way I feel, the way I look at life - I just want to change.
But sometimes, I fall every time.
I feel like I've failed.
Over and over and another again.
And I'm sick of it.
I'm so sick of people telling me what to do, people getting to me, their words and actions. I can sense when they are trying to help me. But that's just it! They don't know how to help me! It only gets worse.
When ever I have an urge to become someone I've always wanted. Something I live to do. Something that keeps me from this world and into my own...
But that's what I beat myself out of. I beat myself by lying, by hurting myself, by beating my confidence, by having low self-esteem. But the one that beats me up the most is, my depression and my anxiety...
I beat myself first before anyone else does. So they don't need to water their time to do it.
But they beat me up the worst.
Dee and Ann always are there.
Creeping up on me.
Watching over me.
Glaring at me.
Making me feel like shit...
I wish the world would just let me be happy...
On every Family Occasion, no other than Dee visits me.
My older brother, Jase, came home from another country. He came to visit, and we were supposed to have a good time, have lunch and talk about whatever's under the sun. But no, I had to become a weak little shit and cry in the CR and was so careless I was seen by my best friend. And so I tried to go back and seem okay. But my Papi had to ask if I was doing alright. Me, being the weak little shit, didn't get to keep it together and got the keys to the car and ran of crying... I'm so fucking weak!
My best friend came back, buy even she doesn't k ow how to help me. So even if she tried, kicked, punched, screamed for me to open the door and let her in. I didn't.
I just let her be, let her beg, scream, punch whatever she did, I just let her. I know that was a stupid and selfish. But in the past when I showed up, she had no idea how to comfort me. She even made it worse with her insensitive words. And sometimes she doesn't even control her tone of voice. So it both hurts and makes me angry... I mean...
I really appreciate her efforts and actions, it's just , it isn't appropriate at that moment. I've always appreciated everything she did. I seriously would never stop appreciating everything she's done for me. I probably would have gone to the hospital (for the first time I might add) and get stitches.
Yes. I really tried to end the pure suffering, pain, worthlessness feeling, useless feeling, feeling that the world doesn't need someone like me in this ugly, worn out, old, fragile world. But you have to see deeper in to realize that, those are just little things about the world. In all honesty, you world is really ugly, but everything and everyone makes is so beautiful that you don't even see it. That's why I'm not meant to be here. Or so I thought...
I know that each and everyone has some kind of meaning why they're here. We might not know yet, or haven't realized it yet, but we all have some kind of weird meaning. My only reason why I'm still here is, I'm here to help. To give comfort. To help encourage people to live. Even if I, myself don't have anyone who could help me. How I help them. But that's not the case...
Sitting here, in church, while listening to the Pastor speak about happiness and rejoicing. He's actually right though.
(Please excuse my religious preview if you're not into this you can skip it, but it might help?)
The difference between the two is, happiness is a feeling that comes without us stopping it. It's a feeling we get when something good happens right? And rejoicing or rejoice, is something you choose. You choose to rejoice even if nothing happened. You're rejoicing because God is there with you and is in you, securing you. Choosing rejoice is choosing to be happy, choosing to be happy even without the meaning. Than happy, because it only comes when something good comes by. It's never bad to believe in something/someone who doesn't exist, or you can't see. It's not bad to try and believe in Him. Or even praying to Him. Sometimes the thing you pray for, He won't give it to you. But because He will give you something better. Right? You shouldn't be ashamed of praying. And to those who don't believe, we all respect you, I hope you can respect us to. We can all live in peace if we all just respect one another. But that'll take a miracle. Not everyone is, is.
I don't know if it'll all help you guys. If you skipped it, it's alright. But if it did, I'm so happy it did.
I'm just in church right now, and the Pastor said just one word and He got my attention...
SUICIDE
That's all He had to say.
It got you to didn't it?
It got me too...
~clover
