i fill my mouth with food
i cant have myself craving liquids
i fill my stomach with solids
i cant have myself vomit
another night of not being able to sleep. i took jinki's advice not to force yourself to sleep, don't even lay down if your body doesn't wan to sleep yet, its okay. and its worked out so far. i'm not sure if its because i missed my sleep time or is my insomnia coming back. my insomnia during high school was really bad. i've always been a night owl, but during those years it wasn't it, it was insomnia. it was really hard living with it. i got better, thankfully but now i'm not too sure.
like that little poem above, i usually drink myself to sleep. unfortunately i broke my phone therefore trying to save up so i ant fix it which equals to no drinking. and i don't really eat, i always forget to, but when my alcohol craving starts i try balancing it out with food. instead of liquids, i consume solids. i try to feel full so i don't carve.
its really bad, i admit that. but honestly, its all i know. its not going to change anytime soon. i'm always going to be looking for alcohol. it helps me sleep. it honestly does!
and here am i, barely holding onto my heart-- is it even mine to begin with? the amount of pieces i've given, spaces people i whispered calmly sweet nothings to occupy, is anything of me that's still mine? my soul? my heart? is my entire being for others to do as they desire? how long? when did it star? who and why? questions, too many questions, i guess its better to let the world take over what she thinks is hers, i guess my entire being was hers to do as she pleases.
