I always do this!
Be the reason why they fight.
Be the reason why they shout.
Be the reason why they scream.
It's all your fault!
Your stupidity, your clumsy,
You useless, worthless,
You piece of shit!
This is why I am such a fuck up.
I've never done anything right.
I always do things that people don't want and that would make them angry.
It was always like this...
Sometimes I just I was never born...
Hearing them having this conversation of anger, and because of me?
I hate it!
I hate it!
I'm so stupid!
If only I was careful!
If only I wasn't clumsy!
If only I wasn't weak!
I hate it!
I hate all of me!
A I ever wanted was to be happy! All I ever wanted was to be free of anger, free from suffering, free from pain! But I have no other way of reason not to do it now do I!? It's the only way I can be truly free! It's the only way I can no longer feel the pain, suffering and all these negativity! It's the only was I can ever be truly happy! It's the only way I can get away from a of this! But what? I can't! I'm so fucking weak that I can't!
I want to drink till I pass out and die!!!
I want to cut until I loose enough blood and die!!!
I want to smoke and burn my lungs so I can die!!!
I want to relapse!!!
I want to do a of that so I can die! I've ways wanted to smoke, maybe now I have a reason too. It was always a reason. It was always a way of releasing right? There are so many ways I can release! And all of that is one way I can release! But most of all,the only way I can truly release everything, is if I was gone...
Forever gone.
No where to be found.
Disappeared.
Completely vanished.
Wouldn't that make everything and everyone happy? Wouldn't that make their life a lot easier? Without me, they could have all the money they can get. They can no longer think of another child to feed. They can use the money that was meant for me, on them selves and my siblings! They could have a better life without me right? They don't need to think of another stupid, ugly and useless kid anymore. They can live a happy life without me. I know. Because I can see how I affect everything around here. And my effect on everything around here is always bad. I do the most stupid things, I argue and talk about rubbish things. I make everyone mad. I get in everyone's nerves. They always shout at me. They tell me how useless I am. Even if I do a lot of work, it will never be enough. They remind me how I will never be enough. How I still lack so many traits. That my Mother would adopt street children than to have me, because they all work hard. And I don't do nothing! Then why won't she! I always wish I died in her tummy. That she had a miscarriage and I was the only inside. I'm always the black sheep of the family. I've given them trouble.
Non-stop trouble is what I always give them. I'm not even smart. I'm not ever beautiful like them. I'm not sexy. I'm not light skinned. I don't have a soft skin. I'm no lady like. I'm always picking a fight. I'm not religious. I'm not worth of holding our family name. I'm not useful. I'm not like them. I'm not what they want me to be. I'm not what they want me to be. I'm not a good sister. I'm not a good daughter. I'm not a good friend. I'm not a good person.
I'm such a bitch. I'm so useless. I'm so worthless. I'm an ugly little bitch. I'm a dark, fat, stupid asshole. An idiot that thinks she has a future. I'm a trouble maker. Im worth nothing. I'm such a sinner. I'm an outcast. I'm an outsider of this family. I'm not kind. I hit too much. I curse so much. I hurt so many people. I mean it and I don't. But I still hurt them, right? I'm a player. I'm a liar. I'm a depressed little fucker. I cut myself. Drink till I get drunk. And wish that I could smoke and burn my lungs out.
I tried. I fucking tried. But I always get my hopes crushed. I always get my efforts, worthless. My dreams? I'll never achieve it. I'll never be a singer. I'll never have a band. I'll never be good enough. Never be good enough for anything. I'll never have a bright future. I might end up being a prostitute. Who knows? You'll end up meeting me. But you all have a bright future. I know it. You're all positive, keep it up. Don't be like me. Stay at the safe side of the crossroad. Don't cross and stay in there. Make sure you stay safe, and away from horrible things. Stay happy. Don't be like me. You're all strong. I believe that! So believe it too!
I want to rest.
I want to go.
I want to leave.
I want nothing more of this life .
I want to be free.
I want to let go.
There's nothing left for me here.
But a pile of dirt and more.
No one is even reading this. So why am I wasting my time and writing another chapter of this stupid rant book that no one reads? Why do I still update my work when no one's even reading it? Why am I putting all this effort, just to hurt myself and to make me realize what kind of idiot I am. And that o have mo talent whatsoever! I'm just a useless piece of shit! No one will ever need me! No one!
Not my friends!
Not my loved ones!
Not my family!
No one!!!
Not ever the fucking world needs me!
I don't know what to do anymore...
Help me?
~clover
