So here I am at it again. We're back like, 2 days ago. And I have no idea if it was the right thing to do or I'm just a stupid idiot.
I don't understand. I'm so confused. Maybe what she said was right. Because I too don't want our friendship to break and I don't want to hurt the both of us.
Maybe that's how I think right now. That's why I don't want to say anything right now it anytime soon.
My soon can either be long or never. Sometimes, out of the blue. Which is rare.
But if it's feelings we're talking about, I love him as a bestfriend. But I like him as a guy. And for me, I don't want to loose this friendship. I don't usually have guy friends or even this kind of friendship.
I also don't want it to be awkward. I like it normal or even just comfortable. And you know, we both can be happy for who ever we end up with.
If he ever finds anyone he likes, I would be happy and proud for him. I would even support him.
It's just, depression and anxiety and all these sh*t is killing me. And I'm a f*cking mess. If I can't understand my self, how can he?
I've been feeling these awful f*cking feelings, all the sadness, so worthless, useless, I just feel like I'll never make anything good.
I'm hurting.
So much.
I don't even know if I can still handle it.
Can I?
I'm trying.
I've tried.
And still trying.
But everything seems like its a waste of time...
Why?
I'm here again, in the dark. It's funny how no body can see it. Nobody knows. They have no clue. Especially since I'm such a great pretender. I'm so great at pretending, that even my best friends can't see it.
They can't see the darkness taking over me. They can't see how down, and how much I want to give up. Give up on everything.
My friends mean the world to me. If they hurt, I hurt, if they're sad, I'm sad. It's always going to be that way.
I don't want to hurt the both of us. I really don't. That's why, I'm still feeling this huge bolder on my shoulders. And it's killing me.
(These are both from different days, but very close in meaning and who I feel this way about.)
I don't understand. What am I doing? I don't know if I was thinking straight or what? If I wanted this or not? Maybe u just wanted to make him happy?
That's the only thing I'm good at. Making everyone happy. Even if it kills me to do it. Even if it hurts me to do it. As long as they are happy, I couldn't care less if it hurts me.
I want to give this a chance. I wanted to try if it'll work. I doubt it if it reached more than 2 months.
Maybe I should let it reach that limit. Maybe I'll help me think. I can't just back out right away. I have to stay like this.
But to be honest, I feel like a prisoner. I feel like I can't to things I want to do. Even if he lets me do whatever, I still feel like, being with someone is making me feel like a prisoner.
None of which is his fault. It was always me. It's how I think. Sometimes I don't know why I think this way. Why I have this way of feeling. I mean, he's don't nothing wrong. Except maybe make me feel guilty because he's so f*cking happy and I don't feel that way 100%.
I know I shouldn't have jumped into this without feeling happy about this completely. I don't know if I'm going to regret this sooner or later but I'm keeping that thought away.
For now. But, if it doesn't work, we could stay as bestfriends. Always. I just hope it doesn't reach a point where, we might actually fight and get hurt, say words we don't mean.
Ugh! Whatever. I guess it won't matter anyway. I mean, who am I kidding?! It's all my fault. So I'm going to have to stick to this.
I hope after you know, everything. I hope I don't repeat it. I just, I want to f*cking change! I don't want this! I want to kill me. I want to die. I want this life to end!
And I want to revive. I want to be a Phoenix. I want to die, and revive. Become a better one. Killing the me now, and when I come back, I want to be better.
I want this. I've always wanted that. But it's hard. I'm going to have to fake my death and come back and become someone else.
Someone they don't know. They may be familiar with my face, but different in the inside. I really want it.
I know it's impossible. But, just the thought of it ever happening?!
No words, no actions can describe how happy I would feel.
Like, literally! I would feel like I'm on top of the world! No one can stop me even if they tried their best.
But sometimes, I feel like I'm dreaming of something I will never achieve.
Something that's so impossible for me to reach. For me to grasp. It'll always be as far as the eyes can see.
I'm so negative, aren't I! How can I not? I've always been negative...
Everything I do, no matter how good I think it is. If someone says it's bad, then everyone will think it is.
That's why I feel like it's useless trying to do what I can to ignore these insects, but sometimes it's just really hard...
Okay that's enough... I mean, no one's listening, right? So why even bother?
I find it funny, I write all these things down, even if I know that no one wild read this, I still continue. Well, it's another way of releasing.
For me... Atleast. But I'll try getting by...
*****
Today I got myself a ukulele!
His name is "Makaila" and he's adorable!
That's that for today as well...
Sorry for the bad vibes.
Promise I'll try being positive!
So long, Goodnight Everyone!
~clover
