So how do I start?
First of all, hi you can call me Clover.
I'm an alcoholic. I started drinking at a young age. But if anyone asks me who taught me or who made me drink alcohol. It was my parents. So if there is anyone to blame, its them!
I think I was 6 when I first drank alcohol. It was Homemade Rice Wine. Knowing my Mother, I bet she made it.
So I came from a very religious parents.
My Mother is very religious. She is a Christian. I'm not going to say what type of that religion.
My Father in Roman Catholic. But we, the kids, are Christian. My Mother is very strict towards these things. But my Father i very accepting and is fine with whatever religion we are in. As long as we believe in him.
There maybe Atheist or a different religion, I don;t mean to offend anyone with whatever crazy thing I will be ranting about. So if I did, please inform me so I may change it or erase it. Thank you in advance.
So- back to my boring and stupid rants.
Hahaha.
Life is so fuqed up.
I get so pissed and always think, "Why am I alive? Why am I living?"
Funny how that's coming out from a religious person, right?
Well I can't help but feel so depressed.
At the age of 5, that's when my Mom started beating me. Young age right? She would spank my siblings and I. She would hit up with belts, hangers, wood, or whatever she can find or can be used to hit us. I really hated that. And now that I think of it, it is one of the reason's why I am still mad or still, I don't really care about her that much.
I feel like an @$$hole if I feel that way. I feel like no she, actually, no one deserves to be treated like crap or like they're not important.
Except me...
I'm a useless child.
I'm worthless.
I can't do anything right.
My Mom always said, "If only I knew you are going to be like this, I would have a child like you, I would have gave you away or never have you" I don't really care about these things. But then I feel like crap, I believe that. And I believe that its true, I'm such a useless, worthless and shameful child. Of course there is more than that, but that are some of them...
Sometimes, I wish I was never born of I just wish I never existed.
A way I cope up with my problems.
I drink.
I used to ONLY drink. But now...
I cut.
A lot of people will say, "You're overreacting, you're weak, attention seeker" We all get hurt by these words and judgement by these peoples right? Even if we pretend and don't mind it, we still got hurt in the inside.
We don't show it, we don't even give hints or clues that we did. Most of the time we pretend. We fake. We put up a face. We all do these things. It's hard and its better you talk to a person or anyone you love or trust.
But we still have trust issues.
What if they don't care?
What if they judge me?
What if they didn't know, they're pushing me towards the end already?
Anxiety comes and kills us.
Depression comes and ruins our mind.
Our low-self esteem/confidence comes and we hide behind the curtains.
Again.
We always do this.
No matter how small or how big the problem may be, some of these problem may trigger us. And the matters become worse.And we feel so fuqed up and shitty about ourselves that we self destruct.
With all honesty, I am addicted to self destruction.
I'm not the type of person will ask for help. I don.t open up. I'm an expert faker, liar , pretender and no clues or hints show. Nothing. I'm just either a pretender or I just stay quite.
Because when I stay quite, I think of all my problems and think and worry to much it kills me to stay quite.
That's why I am the one that makes a fool out of myself. I do everything to make my friends or anyone around me to be happy. Because I know I can't and no one will ever know. So that's just how I am. You can say I let people take advantage of my kindness.
Even if I would love to murder that person, I suddenly become kind and I would feel sad towards them and I help them.
I don't like telling or opening up. Even to my best friends. It's not just hard but, I still have trust issues towards everyone, no matter how important or close they are to me. I still have issues towards them. I also don't want them to judge me r say thing's that may trigger me or could hurt me more. I don't blame them though.
I'm stupid.
I'm not saying or asking them not to say it.
I don't want to be a burden and make them stressed out because of me. I just want them to be happy because they deserve to be at the top of the world. They.deserve the world.
But me?
I don't deserve anything. No one can or ever convinced me I'm worth anything or if someone would truly love me or accept me or whatever. Nothing goes as planned or anything I wished wold happen. Nothing positive happens.
It's the total opposite.
I'm so negative.
I know that.
I know I'm not the only one thinking this way. But I'm the only one here. I feel like no one understand.
No ones listening.
No one cares.
It's not important.
I'm not important.
I'm sorry for ranting and for being such an fuqer and an
But good vibes or nice comments do make me happy and a little more fine.
But if that's what you want to do.
I don't want to make it seem like, I'm forcing you to do something you don't.
I always think that since they don't force me {rarely) at least I don't force anyone to do anything they don't want...
~clover
