Funny Shorts

The Bounty Hunter

Dialogue between two people. Switching character every enter key. Have fun don't die.

"I've been expecting you."

"Ummm... hi to you too?"

"Here's how this is going to work."

"Wait wait wait. Introductions first."

"You are going to read this contract. You are going to sign this contract. Then you are going to play a little game with me."

"I don't think I completely understand what is going on here. Who are you and what game? Contract?"

"I was given a bounty. For you. Your soul, actually."

"What. The. Actual. Hell."

"You are pretty pricey. I can understand why."

"Why are you still talking to me then?"

"Humor. I like to chat up my victims first. It's a preference thing."

"Ok. Ok. This is fine. Where's the contract?"

"..... First time for everything I guess."

"Ok. You said to read, sign, then play a game."

"That is what I said."

"I need a pen."

"You- You need to read it first."

"I read the title. I need a pen."

"Why- You know what. This is not normal. Here."

"Thank you."

"... you're welcome...."

" Where's the line... I don't see the line..."

"If you'd actually read the paper you'd know."

"Ugh. But that is way too much work. I read contracts and papers all day!"

"Sucks. This is about your soul. You really should read the contract."

"Skimming... That's my final offer."

"This isn't a debate. This is selling. Your. soul."

".....three days.... Aww you think I have a pure heart.... Painless.... Eternity. Fun..... I still don't see the line."

"Fucking hell. Give it to me. ... right there. It's not a line. It's a space. Sign."

"See. I look at contracts all day. And this is not up to standard man. You need to get more modern, you know. Blanks for printed names. The x and sign here, a line-"

"I swear if you mention the line one more time-"

"-not my fault. It would be less confusing if there was a line."

"Give. Me. The. Paper."

".... what are you doing? I thought I was signing it?"

"There. X and a line. Sign on the line."

"See, now was that so hard?"

"Yes. You are both very difficult and very easy. Why are you not screaming or crying?"

"Umm... I am really used to this man."

"I don't think I understand what you mean."

"You are giving me a contract."

"Yes."

"To sell my soul."

"Yes."

"On the demon black market."

"Yes.... how'd you...."

"Know about the demon black market that I never bothered to research?"

"....yes..."

"Do you know why my soul is so valuable?"

"Ummm.... Pure of heart?"

"HA. Yah. Sure. let's go with that."

"Now you have me intrigued. Why?"

"Here. Signed. Have a good day Gard-gon."

"Why- Wait. How'd you know my name?"

"You really should research your bounty before you show up. Best get going Gard-gon. You have a soul to sell."

"You-"

"Me."

"You..... you..."

"Stuttering. Very cute. I played nice. But I really don't condon people overstaying their welcome."

"Is that a threat?"

"Good job. I'd be worried if my demons couldn't identify simple threats. But I will be enforcing the 'knowing your bounty' policy."

"Who are you?"

"Someone whose soul is in your hands, ready to sell. Also someone who told you to get the hell out of my house."

"..... Umm.... Thank you for your cooperation."

"No problem."

*Later on in the day*

"Ah Dameon! What a lovely surprise."

"You are an asshole, you know that right?"

"You might have to be more specific than that."

"What, tired of the paperwork? Need to torture someone else for a change? What is it? Third time this week?"

"This would be the forth."

"Not helping your case."

"What case? I don't remember caring about a case."

"You'll care when you have three more stacks of dead bodies on that desk just out of spite for being a nuisance. Or maybe when I call your mother in to drag you by the ear to God knows where."

"Man. Why do you have to ruin all my fun?

"Because your idea of fun is sending another hunter to my doorstep, taking my precious time that I was going to use to nap."

"Well, no wonder you are so cranky."

"Yah. Blame yourself. And now I am even more cranky because you sending that hunter is helping me fix the requirements for that department."

"How so?"

"The hunter at my doorstep. Didn't even know my name, much less my occupation. Even made small talk with me, and thanked me before leaving. Obviously there are some problems with the department if that is standard. And tolerated. And not even to mention the contract was so out of date."

"Hmm.... yes. That does need to change. Are you going to go do that or do I have to?"

"Nah, I will do it. I kind of see the different faces when they realize they quote on quote 'took the soul' of Satan's second in command and the commander of their department. It will be priceless. Besides. They are high key scared of you, pretty sure they would just pass out."

"True. I guess it kind of does have a downside. Rare, but still."