I was told that my actions were inappropriate for the restaurant setting and my wife is making me write an apology letter.
Umm. I am sorry.
She also told me to write why I was sorry, but I don't even know what I did wrong. So I am going to apologize for all of my actions.
I am sorry for:
Twisting the doorknob with my elbow, I thought it was an everyone thing, now I am told it's just a weird thing I do.
Crab walking over to the fish tank while ignoring everyone in line and the waiter telling me to go back to my place.
Screaming when being dragged by the ear to my spot in line. I personally don't think I should apologize for responding to injury but I told you I would apologize for all my actions.
Apparently speaking in a different accent is disrespectful, but australian accents are widely imitated, but whatever.
Being loud and quoting Spaceballs in response to what I want to eat. It's not my fault that everyone is a simpleton that can't decipher code.
Ordering a plate of lettuce then claiming I didn't. I guess you people can't take a joke.
Ordering a live lobster and then screaming when it pinched my lip when I playfully bit it.
Eating with chopsticks that I pulled out of my pocket, even though I ordered a steak.
Sharing food with the table next to me. How was I supposed to know that that isn't ok? Sharing is caring.
Loudly complaining about the lack of Apples and Bees.
Speaking like yoda to the dude in the bathroom.
Opening the bathroom door with my foot.
Pulling out my chair like I am a Trex. I am going to be a great parent.
Falling out of my chair when being a Trex in my seat. Hey, either fully imbody the character or don't have fun at all.
Eating "like a dog" as my wife said... I told her, and I will tell you, I was a TRex. TRex are not dogs. Unless....
Mooing at the waiter passing by. It wasn't offensive. They were wearing a cow pin, what is the big deal?
Laughing at my wife's jokes like an evil villain. In my defense, it made her laugh. I will not apologize for that.
Pretending like I just got there when the waiter came by to ask about dessert.
Pretending like a stereotypical blonde snob when the waiter asked about soup and salads.
Getting up out of my seat without permission, because apparently it is inappropriate to walk around aimlessly now.
Stealing my wife's purse and drawing on the table with her lipstick. I was bored and I wasn't given crayons, or coloring paper. Why do kids get special treatment huh?
Not remembering the rest of the night because I took a nap on the way home.
Leaving my phone next to the fishtank when we left. Calling my phone from my wife's phone, and scaring the manager that answered by pretending to be a ransom call involving gang relations. How was I supposed to know that the manager had no sense of humor. Or privacy.
Having the awesomest phone contact for my wife. (BossMomma)
Creating a memorable moment with the whole restaurant by starting a sing along, why is that only allowed in christmas movies? Huh? This is completely unfair.
Being asked to leave when I just sat down in the manager's office when I came to pick up my phone.
Not leaving when I was asked to leave, causing my wife to have to Uber and drive me home.
Drawing a penis on the manager's desk when she wasn't looking.
Blaming the penis drawing on the old lady in line to see the manager, hey, it was a favor, she was obviously a Karen.
Getting the manager in trouble by calling the old lady a Karen in front of her. It is not my fault she was snooping, I was talking to the manager, she was a total karen by snooping.
Making people think my wife abuses me by acting like a kicked puppy. It is not my fault that I was feeling like a kicked puppy. I knew she was going to scold me when we got home.
Calling them two days later and prank calling them. How they knew it was me was beyond me.
I stopped at 10 but my wife said that I did more than ten things. I now feel like a kicked puppy.
PS: I tried to give this to you in person, but you didn't let me back in the building. So if this hits someone in the head as an airplane later, it is not my fault.
<s>JOHN DOE</s> (AN: Someone tell me if that's crossed out... HTML format says it is, but like.... if not, Pretend that's crossed out, could someone comment how to cross out something in wattpad, it doesn't want to copy... *pouts*)
- Jacob.
I couldn't decide which applebees meme to use. So here's another.
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