say hello wave goodbye

20: just now finding out what it was all about (1997)

July 1997

"Babe, we need to talk about something."

Lindsey knew that his face must have looked terrified, because she quickly reassured him that "it's nothing bad, I promise. I probably should've worded that better."

"You weren't lying about the doctor, were you?"

"No! It's not about that. I mean, I guess it kinda is, but I'm not sick. I promise," she says as she sits down beside him and reaches for his hand.

He'd been expecting this ever since he got home that evening. She'd gone to the doctor that afternoon, just a standard pre-tour checkup for insurance reasons, and he could tell that she was preoccupied from the moment she kissed him hello. He'd instantly asked if something had happened at the appointment, and she'd assured him that she'd been given a spotless bill of health but he wasn't convinced. He even pulled Karen aside to ask her if she knew anything.

"What makes you think I'd tell you even if I did?" she chided him. But she went on to say that she had faxed the paperwork to the promoter's office and there was nothing worrying in it, but "she is acting strange, she has been ever since we got in the car to go home. And then she told me I could leave early tonight."

That was perhaps the scariest part to him, that she obviously wants to talk about something she doesn't want Karen eavesdropping on. Karen knows everything. Hell, sometimes he thinks Karen can read minds. So if she doesn't know...

"It's okay, angel. Whatever it is, you can tell me."

She sits back and presses the heels of her hands against her eyes. "I just didn't think I'd have to have this conversation. But I wouldn't feel right if I wasn't honest with you about it."

"Okay, now I'm getting nervous," Lindsey says, seeing her struggling more and more to get the words out.

"Shit. Alright." You're scaring him, she tells herself, just do it before he thinks you have a fatal disease or a secret husband or something equally terrible. "So today at the doctor's, she was going through the standard list of questions, and she asked me what kind of birth control I'm on."

"Oh?"

"Yeah." It was something they hadn't given much thought to. She had gone off the pill once she got out of rehab because it was making it more difficult to lose weight, and it wasn't really needed when her closest relationship was with her vibrator. Once it was clear that she and Lindsey were going to be sleeping together, she'd mentioned to him that she didn't want to go on it again and risk gaining the weight back when she didn't think it was necessary. She hadn't had a period since last fall and she'd heard that you were basically infertile after 45 anyway. Neither of them liked the idea of using condoms, so they just did...well, nothing. "And, uh. I guess I might've been underestimating my odds a little. I mean, it's not very likely at all. But it's not impossible. So she said that if I don't want to take that chance, I should probably figure something out."

Lindsey's eyes grow wide. He had been unsure about what he was going to hear, but this definitely hadn't been one of the possibilities that he'd considered. "Oh. I'm."

"I know. That's pretty much what I said." Stevie watches him carefully, the emotion evident on his face even as he blankly stares straight ahead. She knows he doesn't like to talk about, or even think about, these kinds of things. After what happened on the night of her birthday, she had been hopeful that maybe that door had been opened, but that hadn't seemed to be the case. The only part he ever brought up was the fights they'd had, and that's one subject she'd rather forget altogether (but not her baby, she never wants to forget her).