say hello wave goodbye

53: I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away (1997)

{{Finally, an update! My apologies for the long delay- I've been struggling with this for some reason. This chapter is on the short-ish side, but I promise the next one will be longer and much more timely!}}

November 1997

Stevie sits alone in her dressing room after the show, mindlessly playing with the diamond ring on her thumb.

There's a knock on the door and then Karen's voice, uncharacteristically soft. "Car's here."

"Tell them I'll be a minute."

"Got it. Coast is clear, just so you know," she adds, and then Stevie hears her footsteps walking away.

She's in no hurry to return to the hotel, where her choices are either taking refuge in Karen's room like she did all day today or going back to Lindsey's (technically, their) suite. And as much as she didn't want to deal with Karen's constant disapproving tongue clicks and head shakes, the thought of returning to the room where just three days earlier he had put that ring on her finger and said I just want to spend the rest of my life making you happy...it makes her want to throw up.

But she's not the one who should be getting sick, is she? She's not the one who's pregnant with Lindsey's baby, just the one with two failed attempts to her name.

Everyone she's told thus far - meaning, her mother and Karen- has said that this wasn't her fault. She thinks differently. 'It's not like you stuck out your foot to trip him and he fell dick-first into his ex', as Karen had so bluntly put it, and that might be true but still, she set this in motion. It was exactly like she told him when she first found out about what happened; that she should've expected it, because she knew he was never good at being alone. And just like she had thought to herself then, she hardly had room to talk when it came to cheating. On more than one occasion it had been her who'd slept with someone else when they were maybe-but-technically-kinda-not together. She could've easily ended up pregnant, and wouldn't she have wanted to be forgiven if their situation would've been reversed? He probably would've forgiven her if she had been humble enough to ask for it, probably would've supported her if she wanted to keep it in the same way that he had offered to when she was pregnant with Don's baby.

Yes, she made a mistake that day in the hospital, and now she's paying for it. Hell, even Karen had tried to warn her that she shouldn't make any big decisions until the drugs had worn off and she was in a clearer state of mind. At the time she tried to tell herself that she was doing the right thing because Lindsey deserved better. Deserved someone who could give him a family. But now that he may be getting that after all, she's forced to admit to herself once again that she had just been selfish and scared.

If only she could've kept their baby alive. If only. The initial relief she had felt last month upon learning that there was likely some genetic cause for both their losses has faded, leaving room for a different kind of guilt mixed with helplessness. She had been so stupidly naïve to think that everything would work out this time, now that she was sober, and part of her wishes that they had never tried again at all. It wasn't right of her to get his hopes up like that, not when she couldn't follow through. And whether it was because of drugs, or genes, or her age- did it really matter? She had failed for reasons beyond her control. Twice.

She thought that she could handle playing the show tonight. She'd spent all evening psyching herself up- she could do this, she's put on a smile and gone out there after enduring much worse- and at first it was fine. Lindsey had wisely left her alone the entire time they'd been backstage and hadn't tried to speak to her during their brief rehearsal, so she was able to keep her emotions in check and focus on performing. For a while, at least. Then during the guitar solo in Landslide she found herself unexpectedly drawn to him, going over to where he stood and holding onto him from behind, hidden from the crowd while the familiar melody brought back memories of so many other times when she was facing the choice of whether to give their relationship another chance or to walk away.