All The More Reason ✔

Chapter 41 - Trust

Wednesday

It had been a silent ride—awkward even—with Elio looking exhausted and Senn feeling shitty because Elio was hardly showing real interest in making up. But why wouldn't Elio forgive him? He had done nothing wrong.

"Look, Senn?" Elio started, once they sat down on the flat rock where Senn had spent endless of days with his friends. "You lost loved ones, so you know what it's like. To build walls and keep anyone out because it's easier if people know nothing about you."

"I'm not sure if we do it for the same reason, though." Senn shrugged. "I just don't want them to ask questions I can't answer, because I probably don't have the answers and they remind me of my parents and Liam and I... I miss them so goddamn much and then you were there, but you left me too..." Senn ranted, fiddling with his hoodie nervously. "I feel so fucking alone, and I rather be alone by choice than have others leave me behind."

When he looked up, guilt flashed through Elio's eyes. As if only just now, he realized what his radio silence meant to Senn.

"I'm sorry, I didn't... I didn't think a-about that," Elio's voice threatened to crack again, and Senn felt puzzled. Why was Elio such a mess about something that should seem so simple to him?

"It's okay..." Senn quickly added. "I felt alone even when you were my friend. It's not like... I mean, it's not your fault."

Elio shook his head, took in a deep shaky breath, and turned away from Senn, probably because he was about to cry and he didn't want Senn to see.

"I keep building walls, and pushing people away, because I don't want them to know my secrets. I don't trust people because they can't be trusted."

"I'm not a cheater, Elio," Senn cried out. "I pushed him away and I told him I met you, and that I wanted you."

"But... you are a cheater," Elio whispered, hoarse voice. "When you dated Joyce... when did you start seeing Julian?"

Senn wanted to reply that it had been different, but he couldn't because he knew it wasn't different.

"You're exactly like that. Everyone is, so don't feel guilty. But I'm not sure if I can trust you. I'm not sure if I'm ready to take that risk again." A simple shrug was all Elio gave him after that, and Senn felt like there was a distance between them, growing with each word they spoke.

"Please..." Senn whispered with a broken voice. "I don't... I need you in my life."

"You don't. You think you do, but you really don't. Just like I thought I needed Charlotte, yet I'm still alive without her by—"

"I wanted to end it," Senn cut him short, though his voice was barely audible. Elio stopped talking right away, staring at him with sad eyes. "I contemplated on ending my life, multiple times. I don't know what kept stopping me, but I didn't do it. And then you came into my life, and I never even thought about it again. But if you can't be friends with me anymore, if you'll leave me, I'm not sure... I don't know," he admitted, his face burning.

"Shut up!" Elio slapped his arm angrily, before he grabbed hold of his hoodie with his fists. "Don't say stuff like that. You know nothing about me, and I know nothing about you. Don't force me to do things I don't want by threatening to kill yourself. It's selfish, and it's cruel."

"I-I..." Senn stammered, staring right into Elio's beautiful blue eyes; now dark and cold. "I was just trying to tell you how much you mean to me. How much I want you by my side."

"That's not the way to go about this." Elio released his hold on him, pushing him backwards slightly. "I feel guilty enough as it is already."

"I'm sorry," Senn whispered. He was raking his brain to come up with the right words to get through to Elio, but while he kept thinking, he started to realize there wasn't much he could do in that moment. He explained his side of the story, now it was up to Elio to decide what he would do with it.

And it hurt, really badly, to not have any control over the outcome. It hurt to think he could lose Elio over something he did a year ago, when he didn't even know Elio. He wouldn't have experimented with anyone else if he'd have Elio. He wouldn't feel the need to do anything with anyone else. Joyce just wasn't it to him, and neither was Julian; so, he kept seeing both.

"Ever since I met you, I changed," Senn eventually continued in a whisper, while Elio was staring daggers at the trees on the other side of the river. Even the angry frown on his face made him look handsome. "I changed from a withdrawn, angry, depressed teen into someone who was happy again. I hated going to school, or outside for that matter, because nobody was worth the effort to me. But with you? I'd go out any day to see you. I didn't even have that with Joyce, or Julian, or anyone else before. I always had days in which I needed peace and quiet. Days in which I wanted to just spend time with my family. Nobody could replace them, until I met you. Not that you replace my family, but you fill the hole they left, and you give me reasons to continue. That's how much you mean to me. That's what I meant by saying that I don't know what to do if you leave me. Because I don't think I'll feel complete without you again."

For the longest time, Elio remained silent, and Senn started thinking he was back at being ignored. He kept looking at Elio, while the boy was taking in their surroundings, watching the water flow by, the trees waving in the wind. He looked at anything but Senn, while minutes ticked by.

Senn shuffled in his seat, deciding Elio didn't want to talk anymore, and he really needed to get back to school as to not miss too much classes. He pushed himself up from the rock, when Elio grabbed his arm, pulling him back down again.

"I'm not going to leave you," Elio grumbled, still not looking at me. "So, you sure as hell aren't going to leave me right now."

"I thought you needed time to think."

"I... do, I think. But I'm not going to leave you, as a friend. I'm just hurt, and lost, and troubled. So... I don't know if I can trust you enough to, I don't know, be together."

"Okay, so, we'll be friends while you figure out if you can. But if we're friends, you aught to let me help you the way you're helping me."

"What do you mean?"

"You help me fight my demons; I'll help you fight yours. The whole reason I accept more harsh words from you, is because you know what it feels like. Which means I also know what you feel like."

Elio rubbed his face with both hands, sighing tiredly, before he eventually nodded, still covering his face with both hands. "You're right. I just have a hard time talking about heavy topics."

"Same," Senn nodded, even though Elio wouldn't see it because by now, he leaned his head on his knees, hugging himself. "But if there's anything I can do for you, just let me know."

"There's one thing you can do."

"Which is?"

"Come back home with me, so that I can tell Joseph he was absolutely fucking right. And then play memory with us."