Behind Your Walls

29 | above the grave

Janet Hills is a three-hour drive from New Town and the weather there is usually rainy. I have never been to that town but as we drive out of our town in Ms. Porter's jeep, Carter fills me in on the details.

It is his birth town but he seems less excited to speak about it. He only tells me the basic information I need to know — that the town is very secluded from its surrounding areas, that the people there are aloof, and that the cemetery is the first thing you see once you enter the area.

We remain quiet for most of the ride and I am sure that a little part of Carter is definitely pissed at me for suggesting the visit. In my defense, I only suggested it. He was the one who jumped at the idea. I don't blame him; our talk must have opened up old wounds for him and it is better if he heals them permanently this time.

With the quietness irking me, I soon end up drifting to sleep.

I wake up from a jerk when the car comes to a halt. I look around and find the words 'JANET HILLS CEMETERY' written on a huge board just under another smaller board with the words 'WELCOME TO JANET HILLS' inscribed on it. It sends chills down my spine and while Carter gets down the jeep, I stay seated, afraid of heading out. Just like I assumed, it is raining here and the cemetery looks eerie during sunset time with all its headstones looming behind a wooden fence.

"You wanna leave me alone now?" Carter's voice pulls my attention to the present and I find him standing beside me with the door to my side open.

"No, no...no," I stammer out and hold my hand out for him to help me out.

I feel dizzy after the three-hour ride, that's how physically active I happen to be. Mom will have a good time lecturing me on exercise if she gets to know this.

Carter chuckles as I stumble while getting up and instead of holding my hand, he puts his hands on my waist and lifts me off the seat to put me on the ground. I welcome the action because I am still sleepy after my afternoon nap. He shuts the door after taking out the white lilies we bought on the way and puts the key in his pocket after locking the jeep.

With me following behind him, we head over to the gate of the cemetery in drizzling rain. We didn't pack an umbrella and now I think we should have. Ms. Porter even offered one for an emergency but we were too smart to accept her generous pink umbrella. Note the sarcasm there.

As we pass through the multiple graves surrounding us, my fear recedes when I see the beautiful flowers placed on the clean graves. This doesn't look like a cemetery from horror movies even though it will be dark soon to complete the effect. This place looks gentle, like the people in town actually care to keep their dead without disturbance.

I bump into Carter when he stops walking abruptly and I look to find myself standing in front of a headstone that bears the words 'Ellie Bell', followed by '1980-2013' and then by 'In memory of a loving mother and wife'.

I stare at the headstone and only look at Carter when he looks at me. By the expression on his face, he seems nervous and I nod at him with a small smile on my lips. He nods back, involuntarily and then kneels before the grave.

The sound of raindrops dropping on the graves gives the place a strange aura. It is a new kind of silence that is only broken by nature's sounds. Birds sing from their nest and their song is beautiful. Carter is drenched but his eyes remain on his mother's grave as he places the flowers atop it and runs his hand through her name carved on the headstone.

"Hey Mum, long time, no see," Carter says, smiling a little as water drips from his eyes and falls on the grave.

I can't say if they are raindrops or tears. I kneel too and listen as he talks to his Mom.

"I know you must be upset with me but I didn't forget you," he continues. "I was just a little lost until I met someone who told me that holding you back wasn't the right thing to do."

He turns to look at me and I look down at the grave, not wanting to invade his privacy with his mother. Even though I have a hint that he is talking about me, it is still about his family, something of which I am not a part.

"She reminds me of you, Mum," he says and I hear my heart thumping in my chest. "She's strong, kind, and understands me. You would have loved her." There is silence for a moment before he continues. "I...am sorry for everything. I know I hurt you and I have been hurting you even after you are gone. I...I just couldn't accept that you'll never talk to me again. I thought that if I kept saying that you will be back, then it won't hurt this much but it...it was all wrong. Your place isn't in my mind...it's in my heart and I want you to know that you'll always be there."

Carter's voice quavers and the sensation of hot tears moving down my cheeks alerts me to the ache in his heart. This is too emotional, too intimate, and too close to his life and he is sharing it with me. I am sure that I will never forget this moment. Wherever life takes me, I will never forget Carter.

"It's time to let you go...so...so I'm here to say goodbye," Carter hisses and I wince because I can feel the pain in his voice now. He is crying and the sound of rain is the only thing muffling it. "Goodbye, Mom."

He puts two fingers on his lips and kisses them. He then places the fingers on his mother's name on the headstone.

We remain quiet and let the rain wet the flowers, making them stick to Ellie's grave. The sun has set and Carter's sobs have died along with the rain. He is quiet but there is a smile on his face when he turns to face me — it is a relaxed smile and I adore the way it decorates him.

"I did it," he states and the cry I have been holding back leaves my mouth as I throw my arms around his neck.

He falls to a sitting position with me on his lap. I lay my head on his shoulder and cry for him, not to console him but to console the boy who has just lost his mother and needs someone to tell him that it is going to be okay.

"I love you, Carter," I confess as I sob, soaking his shirt just like the rain soaked us.

It is like a whisper but I know he has heard it because he holds me tighter. He fits like the missing piece I was looking for to complete my life's puzzle.

"I love you too, love."

We stay there, entangled in each other's arms until I force myself to pull back and give an embarrassing chuckle.

"Sorry, that was embarrassing," I say.

Carter grins and gets up, pulling me along with him. He hooks his arms around my waist and makes me tilt my head to look at him.

"Thank you, Am," he says and I smile.

The ring of his phone breaks us away and Carter digs into his pocket to take it out. I look at the caller ID and it is Melody calling.

"Hey, Melody, don't worry, I'll take tonight's shift."

He stills, his whole body freezing, and the phone drops from his hand, falling over his mother's grave and the crack of the screen makes me jump.

Carter's face looks stunned as he falls to the ground and pulls his knees to his chest. He puts his hands on both sides of his head and clutches his wet hair in fists while I stand there, looking at him in shock.

"Carter, what happened?" I question as I kneel in front of him and try to pull his hands away before he hurts himself.

"He's gone," he says, looking at his mother's grave as fresh tears trickle down his eyes. "Dad's dead."