Freed

14

I cried myself to sleep. Then, when I woke up the next morning, I refused to leave my room and cried some more until I was left with a pounding headache and bloodshot eyes.

To add onto that, I'd gotten my period even though I wasn't supposed to. My dates had been all messed up these past few months and that had also added to my distress. It seemed like my body itself was starting to give me signs that I wasn't doing okay and I needed to get myself together. Everything was out of balance. On the inside and the outside.

I'd never felt so much guilt in my life. The self-hatred and regret was ripping me apart. I'd compared Elijah to a monster. The things Lucas had done – they were unspeakable. And I'd told Elijah that he was just like him. I didn't know if it was true, but I still wished I hadn't said anything.

I spent the morning in bed, ignoring the hunger I felt and thirst. I wasn't leaving my room if I had a choice. I felt like I couldn't face anyone in this house ever again.

I wished that I didn't feel as much as I did. Happiness, anger, sadness, guilt, hurt – I felt everything and it always came in waves that always threatened to drown me. I wondered if I was born this way. I felt too much, and it overwhelmed me, yet I couldn't do anything to stop it. I had no control over my emotions and it was destroying me.

I hadn't been planning on getting out of bed at all because I'd started getting cramps, too, until I had no choice because Ethan was at my door. I'd locked it, so I'd have to get up to open it. The motion seemed way too agonizing and uncomfortable to bear, so I refused to move.

"Open the door," Ethan knocked harder this time. "Izzy."

When I realized he wasn't going to give up, I dragged myself out of bed and treaded over. Ethan stilled when I opened it, and I spun around before I could see his reaction to the condition I was in.

I crawled into my bed and pulled my blanket over me again, laying on my stomach. I heard him walk into my room and take a seat on the bed next to me.

"Feeling guilty, huh?" Ethan asked, but there was no judgement in his tone. How he knew what was already wrong was beyond me. He continued at my lack of response. "You shouldn't."

"Yeah, because saying I shouldn't makes all the guilt go away, right?" I scoffed into my pillow, burying my face into the soft cushion. "Just like that."

Ethan laughed. "I see the bad mood still hasn't left yet," he commented. "Are you planning on staying here all day?"

I nodded, my face still hidden by my pillow. I could practically feel him smiling as he reached forward to wrap a strand of my hair around his index finger. He tugged slightly, and I knew he was trying to get me to look at him.

"Izzy," Ethan pressed, tugging at the strand again. "Look at me."

"Leave me alone," I mumbled. "I'm tired."

"You just woke up."

I pinched my eyes shut, nuzzling my face further into the pillow. I had the sudden urge to scream at the top of my lungs. I buried my hands in my hair, pulling to soothe the throbbing in my head but I felt something slip. I jerked up, my heart dropping as I realized I'd pulled locks of my hair out from simply gripping them.

Ethan didn't look fazed as he noticed the horror-stricken expression on my face as I held strands of my hair. Too many. "You know why you're losing so much?" He asked quietly, not looking as surprised as I was.

"Do I have a disease?" I breathed in fear, my mind wandering to the worst places. This could not be happening. Above everything else.

Ethan's brows furrowed and he shook his head. "No, but have you taken a look at yourself in the mirror recently?" He asked incredulously and my lips parted in surprise. "Izzy, you look like a walking skeleton."