That Winter You Came (Completed)

Episode 33

With Rayan .. I was able to keep lots of memories from my youth.
Without him .. Everything seemed unworthy to be remembered.
It isn't like i'm an idiot who let her life revolve around someone .. no.
But, It's not under my control.. Those feelings.
Outwardly i suppressed them and led my life following what's logic and what's honoring.
So, although i wanted to get back to him on countless days .. I still didn't.
Although i wanted to let him know that i still loved him.. Even more .. I no longer loved him childishly but loved him as an adult .. As a full woman.
But i didn't ..
I had my pride.
The first year of college went just like that ..
A month followed a month.. A season followed a season.
And that winter .. Went without him.
When the summer break finally came .. I was convinced that i made the wrong choice for my major too.
Only then i understood Rayan's decision from a year earlier.. The one should choose what he sees himself doing in 10 years later. But i chose something i could finish with just quick enough to be lazy for the rest of my life.. And i was wrong.
It was Mimi's turn that summer to take her bac exams. So being her older sister and having greater experience in the field, i took her to a serious chat once after she already did her exams and before the results came out.
She sounded so confident in passing it the whole summer that i took that for granted. So i decided to advice her about her future choice.
I sat with her in our room .. And i started talking about what college is like.
After many minutes of talking .. I noticed she wasn't paying the slightest attention.
Instead, she was playing an eastern song ( song from middle east) and painting her nails.
I always supported her silly and careless attitude. But at that moment i just couldn't anymore.
So i held a thick pillow and slammed her head with it.
And i mean it literally ... Slammed her head with a heavy pillow.
She bounced to the back .. And then looked at me furious and shouted:
_"moron!! You can give me a brain concussion!"
_" how can an idiot like you know what brain concussion means?" i mocked.
She sighed .. Looked carefully at the door and then hushed:
_" enough with the college bullshit already.. I'm not going to any college"
_"what!!" I shouted.
That day .. She said that she had a serious boyfriend. 5 years old her senior. Whose family had a fancy restaurant, and he promised to come ask her hand that summer.
She looked at me dreamingly and said:
_" he doesn't want me to go to college .. We will be marrying within a year"
_" so i guess you made sure you won't succeed in your Bac so as you don't have to go to a college in the first place. But still fooled us all summer long" i said with a tone of mockery.
Not even paying attention to my tone.. She still nodded her head and explained:
_"Mama will be super furious if she knew that i wasn't planning to succeed in the first place. It's better to let her believe that i tried my best but couldn't make it. That way she would sympathize with me instead"
At that moment, i felt sorry for My mother for raising up such a scheming girl. But it was her fault anyways for spoiling her so much.
_" you're not telling anyone.. Otherwise your little Rayan secret will be exposed too" she threatened.
I just leaned on my bed and sighed.
I turned to look at that silly sister of mine and said:
_" i wasn't planning on telling anyone anyways. I don't want to hurt them. We both know that you made the wrong decision but it's your life"
She decided to ignore me as of that moment.
However i looked at her that day .. I only saw a beautiful girl.
With fair dyed hair .. So soft and a bit tall.
Fair skin and full makeup even in the house.
She took care of her physique and put on  beautiful pyjamas.
But she wasn't any further than a beautiful image.
Just a vase that is empty in the inside.
She had an awful character and silly shallow mind.
She is so spoiled that she knew hardly anything about house chores or cooking.
However i looked i still knew .. that kind of women can't make a man the center of her dreams because that kind of women can make no man happy enough with her to begin with.
_" you'll regret it" i said again.
That summer was so busy for our family.
First, my sister didn't pass her exams of course which tormented my mother.
And then there was my brother's wedding.
My mother of course made sure to make the party as grand as our means could afford.
She made sure to invite all neighbors.. And that included Rayan's family of course.
And then she bragged about the gifts we made for my brother's bride.
My mother never liked Hidaya .. My brother's fiancée.
She always looked down on her family .. And the only reason she accepted her was because of my lie.
If it wasn't for my brother loving that girl ..i wouldn't have wished her such a mother-in-law.
I even tried to talk to my older brother once and told him that Mama would make the poor girl's life a living hell with us.
_" you should live else where with her .. Don't bring her here" i said.
But he looked at me in bitter and said:
_" i work in a coffee shop Nadia .. How can i afford to rent a house for her. But hidaya is a calm and good woman .. I think she can handle your mother until i find a better job"
With that being decided.. My brother and his bride moved to live in our house after they returned from their honeymoon.
And on the very first day of her living with us .. Hidaya was asked to cook diner and help in the house chores.
My mother hated her from the very first moment after all.
Our house was never calm to begin with .. But with Hidaya coming my mother decided to shift her attention from me towards the beautiful doll. She took every occasion to fight with her and belittle her.
Hidaya was always obedient and didn't have a saying against her. Still i could see the tears in her eyes and the regret.
I even lost my nerves once and yelled at Mama:
_" be afraid of allah Mama!! You have daughters who would marry into strange families too! What if god put us in the same position? God give us time but never abandons"
I remember she slapped me hard on my face that day and said:
_" you dare shout at your mother for a stranger's sake? .. It isn't my fault that her parents failed to educate her and now i'm stuck with her .. My girls would never be in the same position because my girls are the daughters of pride and wealth"
That day i was unaware that Hidaya was listening to us out of the kitchen. And that her sad prayers reached the heavens.
My sister's boyfriend came to ask for her hand too at the end of summer.
He was tall and handsome .. With hazel eyes and light brown hair. His name is Soheib.
I remember his Mother smiled delicately for me the moment our eyes met, she held an aura of grandeur and wealth. And talked with logic and composure that Mama -being on the silly kind of women- had no idea how to deal with such a classy woman.
So i unusually found that woman very interesting to talk to.
_" you look more mature for your age" the woman suddenly complimented me.
I looked at her confused .. And at her son sitting beside her and smiled saying delicately:
_" i'm glad you think so of me"
_" i'm already enjoying my chat with you .. I think you and I will have lovely days living together and will enjoy each other's company when the men are out"
At that moment we all realised she was mistaking me for being the bride all along. So her son embarrassed explained:
_" Mama, this is my Sister Nadia .. We're here to ask her sister's hand"
The woman looked embarrassed for a moment .. And then she laughed:
_" i apologize .. But as long as the sister is so great, i bet our bride is even greater"
My mother then took the chance to brag about her favorite daughter and yelled:
_"yes.  Yes!! .. They both are my daughters but permit me to say that Nadia can't even compare to Mimi.. You'll love her for sure"
I could see the expression on that woman change right away.
And after She Met Mimi .. She looked, disappointed.
When i recall that day .. I wish i put a name tag on me so as i wouldn't be mistaken for the bride.
Because ever since my sister married into that family and had troubles with her mother-in-law she blamed me for them.
Because her mother-in-law preferred me on her. Which is so wrong for a reason.
Mimi never realised that the only compliment that woman gave me was something she never had.
"Being mature".
In the summer of 2011 though.. My sister was still daydreaming about her wealthy fiance and she didn't miss a chance to look at me and say:
_" you had Salim and you lost him. You had "the" Rayan and lost him too. I'll have grandchildren and you'll keep having good men and losing them at this rate. The next time you date someone force him to come ask your hand before he runs away from you"
"Your words hurt" i wanted to say.
But i decided not to carry her silly thoughts to my heart.
Instead, i started enjoying the company of hidaya at the house .. As a way to keep Mama away from her, and to make her feel more welcome between us.
She was on the very religious side, she had that kind of faith that made even my rebellious brother wash him self and pray at time.
Within the end of august .. She was already living with us for two months . but felt even more than that.
I remember around that time i was brushing her hair for her once when i talked about how much i regretted my choice in college.
She gave my words little thinking .. And then she suggested:
_" how about going to a nursing school?.. At least you'll have more opportunities to get a job in the future"
I never thought about the health care field before that moment.
But once she finished talking .  i found my self saying:
_" do you know how can i apply?"
It was just like that how i first applied for the nursing school.
I just so happened to be in the actual inscriptions time. So i dropped my file before the deadline.
  They told me i had a poor chance to be accepted.. So i had really no hopes for it.
I took the matter so carelessly that i didn't even tell my father that i applied.
When the results came out though in early September .. I was shocked that i actually got accepted!
Only at that moment .. I felt like i had something to live for.
Hidaya was just like the meaning of her name .. A guidance.
She came to me right on the time i needed her. And made my life worthy.
After i started taking serious procedures to join the nursing school.. I finally told Yassmine about it.
_" i can tell that you're happy from your voice" she said on the other side of the phone.
So i replied excited:
_" I am! .. I know it's hard and that i have to get my heart stronger.. But i can see my self doing this for a lifetime Yassmine. I don't know how to describe this feeling .. But it's like i was a lost peace of puzzle that finally found its right spot"
When i finished talking .. Yassmine was silent for so long. And then she mumbled:
_"you and i should meet soon you know? .. I'm feeling like the next time i see you i'll find you looking 10 years older"
_" do i sound older?"
_" hmm" she answered.. "I bet Rayan will be happy to hear these news".
Hearing his name again made my heart hurt .. And made me out of words.
So i kept silent for so long.
Then yassmine's voice came again saying:
_" Nadia .. I know you don't want to talk about him. But i still meet him with the boys sometimes. And we don't talk about you either with him. And it's weird! Can't you just be friends like me and him?"
_" no" i said firmly.
_"if that's the case .. Then i'll feel my self free to talk about both of you anyways. And i'll tell him you're going to a nursing school"
_" i don't care",
She sighed .. And then said:
_" you both care about each other so much you liar.. And you both having serious side affects of break up. Why can't you just move on and genuinely wish happiness for each other?"
_"i'll talk to you later" i mumbled.. And hang up the phone before hearing any other word.
"Stop putting salt on my wound" i wanted to say.
But i didn't ..
After i put my phone to the side i froze in my position for so long.
Just waiting for my pain to stop.
It was already about a year since we broke up .. But i still held the same feelings for him.. And i was afraid i'll carry them to my grave.
I spent the whole evening thinking about her words.. And i realized she was right.
It was high time i started treating Rayan's matter like a dead past and move on.
It was high time i lost hope in that love i had for him  and just took it as unnecessary feelings.
But saying is much easier than doing. Isn't it?