"𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐰𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐬"
"The bartender and the Mafia Underboss"
How long can it take before the line between sex and love is blurred?
Cover made by @ladameid <33
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𝐌𝐚𝐲𝐚'𝐬 𝐏.𝐎.𝐕
I laid my head back on the bathtub. Letting everything sink in. She did it again, she hurt me, but this time it wasn't physically.
All memories remain encrypted in my mind. Every touch, every hit, every word of encouragement, every word that would hurt me, everything.
It was all a big lie to take advantage of me. It was my fault. Everything is my fault.
The hot water felt like a large blanket covering my naked sculpture. My tears fell like raindrops after a great drought. I felt a variety of feelings. It was good to cry, it's a way for your body to react when there are no words to describe how you feel.
Fernanda didn't have the money, she just wanted a way for me to allow her into my home so she could steal from me, again. And so I did. I let her into my home, gave her a place to sleep and she does this bullshith again.
Why was I so stubborn? Why have I always been so naive to be able to realize people's intentions? Why? Why me? What did I ever do wrong to deserve that? All I ever wanted was someone to love me.
My vision is cloudy due to the steam caused by the temperature of the water. I feel tired. Not the kind of tired you can go away with a long nap. The tiredness that makes my soul ache.
I didn't want to die, I just wanted a way to ease my pain. I put both arms on the sides of the tub. With my right hand, I reached for the razor blade.
Once in my hands, I felt like I did years ago. The difference was that now I was not going to end up in a hospital for attempted suicide.
Was I doing all of this because of her? Partially. It was more than the memory of her using me. It was her words, her actions, her lack of love, the nights I spent alone crying because never in my fucking life had I felt purely happy before meeting Zara, the nights I remembered how my first love abusing me repeatedly, both sexually and physically and then left as if I was nothing, the nights where only I was not enough. I never was good enough.
No matter how hard I tried, I always disappointed the people I loved, and me. Every single time, I always ended up disappointing myself.
I undid the razor part way until only the blades remained. I knew I couldn't do it in my arms, anyone would notice and ask. I lift my legs close to my chest.
I didn't feel nervous, I didn't feel anxious, I didn't feel anything. Absolutely nothing.
I felt like I was slowly falling into an abyss of disappointment and anguish. Just when my life was taking a better path. Silly me for thinking that I deserved more than suffering.
