It's been two weeks.
Two weeks since Michael and I discussed LA. Two weeks since Michael and I parted on the rooftop of our building. Two weeks since I've last seen him.
Two whole fucking weeks.
I don't let myself think about it though. If I did, I wouldn't be able to go on. I wouldn't be able to get up, get dressed and go to school. Also, in the timespan of a week, Reese managed to get me a job over at Amoeba. It's a great store and sells records, CDs, movies, guitar picks and Amoeba shirts. I've always loved this store. When I was younger, I used to go to Amoeba and Rasputin's across the bay in Berkeley. That was back in middle school. It's almost soothing to be back in a record store. Besides, Reese said it'll help get my mind off things. Also, there's an employee discount, so I guess that's a plus.
I told Reese everything the next day about Michael and I splitting. And why. We don't talk about him much. But that doesn't mean in any way that I don't care anymore. I do. A lot. Reese doesn't ask and I don't tell. It's the same with Luke. I don't ask she doesn't tell. To be honest, I don't think she knows I know about them. And I'm not really sure we'd talk about him anyway. Although I'm sure that if you ask Reese she'll reject it, but I think she wouldn't talk about it because it hurts her too, the boys moving down to LA. I don't think it's really good for her to keep all this in, but hey, who am I to judge? If she's ready to talk, she will. But for now I leave the mystery of her and Luke's relationship-or whatever it is they have-alone.
It's like there's a gap now, between me and everyone around me. A giant void that I don't know how to fill. Part of it had to do with the fact that I'm practically trying to block out the last, what, six months of my life.
But that still doesn't stop me from not allowing myself to think about Michael. Us. Except at night. That's the only time I can. There's no one there to see me as I lay quietly in my bed, tears falling freely as I stare up at the ceiling of my room. I don't know why I do. I like to think that I'm imagining the millions of stars stretched across the sky and winking down at us. I'd always loved stars and space. There were endless possibilities and discoveries out there. There are billions upon billions of stars, more abundant than our world's population. I think, somehow, I found that comforting. And also how even the falling stars were beautiful.
I'd always felt like one, a falling star. Everyone always seemed to have a point, a purpose, or even a plan. I never did. I was always flailing around, driven by my own, many motives. And Michael... Michael, well he gave meaning to my falling star. He was the one watching and wishing and admiring. However, it never occured until recently that he was like a falling star too and I was the stargazer, watching for him.
So maybe that's what I was doing, staring up at my ceiling. Stargazing. Hoping to detect any sign of the falling star above.
I hadn't spoken to him all week. Or seen him. Or even heard him. There were no practices, which meant no Calum, Ashton, or Luke either. I was already starting to miss them desperately.
I thought about this all as I sat on the check-out counter in Amoeba, letting out a deep sigh and kicking my feet that don't even come close to touching the ground. It was ten after nine, and we just closed shop. I had a shift with Reese today, who was at the back of the store, locking those doors. I was at the front, waiting. Reese was my ride and she had to lock up today. I was well aware of the fact that I could have just taken a bus or even my own car, but she insisted. I don't think she really wants me totally alone all the time. Last time I was alone, it was by choice and I shut everyone out. This time there would be no Michael to save me.
"All done!" Reese announced, clapping her hands twice as she strode up the aisle towards me. "Ready to go?"
I nodded and slid off the counter. The sound of my shoes hitting the hard ground reverberated throughout the store and I winced as I grabbed my bag off the counter and swung the keys to my apartment around on my finger.
