The Walking Dead

Chp. 9

He pulled out and took my hand making me massage his shaft as he moaned out in pleasure. I stopped and he looked at me.

"You finally behaved. Well done."

He got up and went to the bathroom leaving me alone once more. I sat up and grabbed my clothing. I struggled to my feet and limped to my room closing the door behind me. I took my towel and covered myself. I waited for him to get out of the bathroom so I could take a bath.

I heard the bathroom door open then close. I walked out of my room and went to the bathroom locking the door. I looked at my reflection in the mirror, tears trickling down my cheeks.

I opened the cupboard and took out a cream container. I opened the container and emptied it. Bandages, a small bottle of alcohol and a razor fell out. I placed the bandages and alcohol on the edge if the sink and grabbed the razor.

I looked at my left arm and stared down at the fading scars. I held the razor up about to plunge it into my skin when I remembered a promise I had made.

Never again. Never again will I use this razor. Never again will I cut myself. From today forward, no matter how many times he rapes me in a day, I will not punish myself when I did nothing wrong. I will never cut myself again. Never.

I looked at the razor tears now racing down my face. I looked at my reflection feeling at war inside. But then the voice in my head got louder and louder. Until I couldn't even hear myself think.

Do it.

Cut yourself.

You deserve to be punished.

Why do you think he waited for you to get back so he could feast on you?

What makes you think Moses is there for you?

What makes you think he likes you?

He doesn't care.

No one does.

You deserve to be punished for believing anyone would ever care. For being stupid. For thinking you can be a writer. For thinking you can finally be happy. You were born to be a disappointment. Never forget that.

I gave in and felt a sting. I looked down at my arm and at the blood that rolled down and dropped into the sink. I made another cut. Deeper. I winced.

I deserve more. Two slits aren't enough.

I subconsciously made more cuts. Some deep cuts, some thin slits. I looked at my reflection then back at my arm. My eyes widened. I dropped the razor stepping away from it. I looked at my arm which was dripping with blood.

Oh no. Oh no. I cut too deep. I'm losing a lot of blood. Now what? What do I do? Wh- tissue, I need tissues- wait, no. I need to rinse my arm.

I turned on the tap at the bathtub and placed my arm under the tap. I let out a hiss as the cold water touched the cuts in my arm. I held my arm there and watched as the diluted blood raced down the drain.

I closed the tap and let all the water drain before I filled the tub with cold water. I took off my towel after turning off the tap when the tub was half full. I got into the tub shivering at how cold the water was. I lay back hissing at the pain on my back.

I let out a shaky breath as I got myself to adjust to the temperature. I lay there for a while just taking it all in. The pain, inside and out, the situation I was in. Just letting myself process it all.

I lay further down till my hair was in the water and only my nose was a few centimetres above the surface. I closed my eyes and let myself go completely under. After a few seconds, when my lungs couldn't hold on any longer, I argued with myself on whether or not I should spare my life. I thought it wasn't worth it yet and emerged from the water.