The Walking Dead

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.

~Norman Cousins~

I sat in the corner of my room, my knees tucked to my chest.

I didn't know why I was still on earth. I thought once you died you'd go to some unknown land where all those who died before you, live in peace. Like in Disney's Coco. All of the deceased go to The Land of the Dead to live their afterlife until they are forgotten. I thought there is where I'd see my mother again.

But instead, I was still here.

I heard as a car entered the gates. I got up and walked to the window, walking through the curtains. I saw Michelle park her car. I let out a sigh and looked at my body which lay limp on the bed. The water bottle was on the carpeted floor almost empty with a puddle of water around it.

I watched as she looked up at the window. She looked at me. My spirit. Not me. Not my body. I closed my eyes and opened them, finding myself in the living room. I watched as she walked in and dropped her keys.

"Marissa?" she called.

My empty chest stung as guilt struck me.

She left her stuff in the living room with a sigh. She looked at the stairs and called again, "Marissa? We have a pending conversation to get back to!"

I sobbed but had no tears.

She walked past me and went up the stairs. I closed my eyes and found myself standing next to her as she knocked on my bedroom door.

"Marissa?"

After receiving no response she opened the door. She pushed the wood creating a hole in the wall. I closed my eyes and appeared in front of her as she stepped into the room.

"M-Marissa?" Her voice, so broken. She tried not to panic as she walked up to my body. She placed her fingers on my neck with shaky hands. "Come on, come on... pulse... please... where's your pulse damn it?!!"

She looked at the bedside table and saw the empty bottles of medication and the empty packet of pot. She picked up the packet and gave it a sniff. Her eyes widened as she recognised the smell.

She sat on the bed and held my body in her arms. It was growing cold. She held her breath rocking back and forth as she stroked my hair. 

"Marissa..." she croaked, "Why?" She burst into tears holding my corpse tighter. "Marissa! Come back! Please... come back!"

If I had tears, there would've been a flood in the room. I felt horrible.

So was this why I wasn't allowed into the realm of the dead? To watch how much damaged I've caused?

Michelle gave the lifeless me a kiss on the forehead, "I loved you like a daughter... why didn't you just... I didn't even have the chance to tell you the truth..."

Truth?

What truth?

"Your mother was never your mother, I am!! Your father... was never your father... he's my brother... my rapist... I had fallen pregnant after high school with my boyfriend, a Portuguese. He took you away from me... as punishment!!"