Belief In The Occult

Twenty Eight

Kodiak was even more confused than before. It was like voicing that whole... awkward mess made it worse. Maybe he was accidentally reflecting Maci too much. By now Varick had taught him how to reflect just a healthy amount, enough that he was his own person and not just a washed-out copy of the things around him, but maybe he hadn't been paying attention?

He scowled at the ceiling, even as his eyes prickled. Maybe he should just go inside his mirror and never come back out. He didn't have to think in there. He could just do what he used to and stare into the darkness and be empty and play his game.

Why did he have to think so hard about just existing? Nobody else seemed to have to check themselves every two days to think about how they had been acting. Why couldn't he just be the way he wanted?

... What did he even want?

Oh, there's a river that winds on forever

I'm gonna see where it leads

Oh, there's a mountain that no man has mounted

I'm gonna stand on the peak

The song drifted into his head between the earbuds. He sighed and ran his hands over the comforter folded across his lap, ignoring the tears as they slipped down his face. They were cool, fat droplets, like morning dew on clovers. Nothing like the inky black trails that usually came.

He wanted to listen to this music, and not be confused anymore. He was learning what happy felt like. It felt good to laugh and smile, but he didn't always do it on the outside. Sometimes Kodiak was just too tired to show the grin he was feeling on the exterior. But that was okay, he guessed, because he was still feeling it.

Out there's a land that time don't command

Wanna be the first to arrive

No time for pondering' why I'm-a wanderin'

Not while we're both still alive

Kodiak hummed gently. If he was paying attention, he would have noticed it was in tune.

He wanted to have more hobbies. Everyone always seemed to have something to do. He just followed Maci around and did training. But where would he even start? It seemed like there were a million of them.

Slowly, Kodiak swung his legs off his bed and went to the door. His room was getting stuffy, and it wasn't like he was doing anything. Maybe sitting in a different environment would help.

The back garden was one of the few places Kodiak was really starting to like. It was nothing but cool, dark green leaves, soft grass and springly moss, it was so thick it looked like a jungle in some places. Kodiak liked to plunge into the leaves and just vanish, sitting under the big ferns next to the koi pond, listening to the fountain. He blended in so well the others couldn't find him in there, they'd just have to call and wait for him to answer.

Most of the other wards were out on training, and Zophie was taking her chance to sleep during the day. Dream eaters were mostly nocturnal anyways. Kodiak didn't understand much about what she did. He didn't know what dreaming was. Cobalt and Kallik were in their offices, so Kodiak didn't have to worry about anybody seeing the tears still dripping down his face.

I'm not even sad. Kodiak thought as he settled down in the grass and moss between the fern. Why am I crying?

Sighing, he put his earbuds back in and shut his eyes. Can't have an answer for everything.