Regrets ; a.i

IHOP

I sit in a small cafe with Ethan. The conversation is weak and for one of the first times neither of have anything to say, and apparently we have no idea where to start. We haven't seen each other in about a week since Ethan was crazy busy with school and I was trying to juggle school, Reagan, and my own emotional state.

"Jen," he breathes.

I look up into his blue eyes and raise my eyebrows. "Yeah?"

He half smiles and rans his fingers through his hair. "I don't know how to say this," he looks away and right away something feels wrong.

"Say what?" I ask, cautiously.

He bites down hard on his bottom lip then looks at me with a sincere smile. "Uh, I uh, it's about us," he motions between us and I look at him unimpressed.

"Are you breaking up with me?" I ask, pretty clear that is exactly what is happening.

He scrunches his nose. "Maybe. It's just, I like you a lot, and you're gorgeous, and a great person. It's just, you have so many other priorities over me and -"

"Do you mean like prioritizing my best friend -who is having a child- over going out with you? Because I am sorry, but she kind of really needs me at the moment, and I intend on being there for her," I cut him right off. I didn't care too much that he wanted to break up with me because lately I've been wanting to break up with him. But, blaming it on because I'm spending time with Reagan who might even be going as crazy as I am in a different way, is not a good excuse.

He scoffs and rolls his eyes. "It's not just that Jen." He looks into my eyes and I stare at him waiting for the rest to come. "I don't know how much I want to be with a girl who is still in love with a prick, and will never get over him, and I know you will  never feel that way about me. So, I honestly don't know how far this relationship is going to go if I know I'll never be loved fully by you," he finishes and I am speechless. I don't know how to respond because maybe he's right. I will never love him in the way I loved Ashton, and maybe right now I am just not ready for a relationship.

"Okay," I nod, "I get it. You can leave now," I wish I can say it didn't hurt and that I'm perfectly fine, but watching him as he backs up and says a soft goodbye before he leaves did hurt. It hurt that he left me because of my inability to let go of Ashton.

Sometimes some thing just hurt more than I think they should, because I didn't think my chest was going to hurt this much if we did break up around now. And, like how I didn't think it'd hurt the next day I saw Ashton after the first time he said he loved me...

~ Flash Back ~
// August 26th, 2015 //

I knocked on Ashton's door and I pursed my lips, tapping my foot lightly against the floor as I was nervous. He ignored me all of yesterday and it wasn't really that I was worried, I just wanted to know what it meant. I wanted to know if he meant it, I just wanted to see him again because it hasn't left my mind for a second.

I haven't stopped thinking about how the words rolled off his tongue and how he ran away right after.

The door opened and I stood up tall and looked up expecting to see Ashton, but it was Michael who opened the door. He looked at me confused and I stared back at him.

"Is Ashton -"

"No," he cut me off, already knowing what I was going to say. "Will he be home soon?" I asked.

Michael shrugged. "I don't know. He hasn't really said much since the party, all I know is that he left this morning and said he'd be back later. Why don't you just call him?" He scoffed as if I didn't think of that one.