Regrets ; a.i

How?

I can't stop thinking, my mind hasn't stopped going since the other night. How was I supposed to act, how was I supposed to go about this? I tried my best to push it away, but I can't. I don't get why he would do that, why he would tell me he still liked me.

It isn't fair for him to just tell me that. I'm finally okay and moving on, I'm happy now, but he has to come on over and just make everything more complicated. I don't know what to do, fuck.

I groan out loud and lay down on my bed as I think about it more. I like Mark, and I'm happy with Mark. But I love Ashton. I run my fingers through my hair and stay there for a moment. I may have loved Ashton and maybe I still do, but part of me is saying that maybe this time it'd be safer if I didn't get involved with him. I still can't forgive him for what happened, and even when I do, I'll never forget what happened. Never.

Part of me wants to say I'm better off without him. He caused me so much pain, and he's always caused so much trouble in my life. Even when I was happy with him, he was still causing so many troubles in my life. Maybe I'd be better off telling him I've moved on and that I think he should do the same thing.

But the more I think about telling him to move on and that we're better off alone, part of me craves to have him back. I can't help but to wonder what if. What if I get back together with him and I'm happier than I've ever been and it turns out to be the best decision I've ever made. But I guess that's just the thing, what if leads to so many possibilities but I only get to pick one.

This isn't the first time I've had to make a decision like this before either, one that involved Ashton...

~ Flash Back ~
// August 30th, 2015 //

Ashton was at my house, since I convinced him that he should come over instead of me always going over there. I told him that if we were actually serious about us that he should spend a little bit of time at my house. He groaned and mumbled gibberish before he was over at my house. I know he was over here literally the other day, but I liked being at home, and I liked Ashton, so why couldn't I have both?

I was debating on telling him today that I got my mom to try and pull a few strings for me and maybe get me into the university right around us. I knew it was crazy, and it sounded stupid and she kept asking me why, but every time I just told her that I wasn't ready to leave yet, and I needed one more year. She told me she'd tried her best so I'm crossing my fingers that she can do it. She knows the chancellor, I didn't listen to her details, all I knew was she was going to try and there was a chance I didn't have to leave.

I wanted to tell Ashton, and I was filled with excitement, but I didn't want him to get any false hope or think that I was going to stay when I couldn't.

"So," Ashton smiled at me, taking my hand with his and pulling me down onto the couch in the basement. I giggled as he pulled me onto his lap and snaked his arms around my waist.

I hummed, leaned forward and pecked his lips. When I pulled away our eyes locked and I couldn't stop myself from smiling because he made me so happy, and I felt crazy for feeling this way but I couldn't help myself. Part of me was telling me I was crazy and that I couldn't feel this way about someone. I couldn't feel like a certain somebody was my happiness, that they brightened my day so much and I felt so safe with them. I couldn't feel this way when I didn't even know them for longer than two months. I couldn't feel this way in this short of a time.

But I did.

It made me feel like those girls I used to think were crazy. The ones who claimed to have found 'the one' after been dating someone for only two weeks. Then again, those girls only dated those guys for a few weeks before they moved onto someone else.