Regrets ; a.i

Regret 18: The Reason

The couch seems more comfy today than it did other days and I wasn't sure why that was. Maybe it was because I was having a good day, or a good week, but why would that change the comfort of a couch?

I wave aside the comfort of the couch and I look to her, and her lips pull into a friendly smile.

"How are you doing today?" She also seems to be in a better mood than last time.

I shrug but I couldn't help but smile. "Actually, really good."

She almost looks shocked that I'm doing really good, but the shock expression is soon replaced with a smiling one. "That's good. What's changed in the past two weeks?"

I bite down on my lip as I think about it. "I don't honestly know completely. I still can't get Ashton out of my head, and when I'm always around Luke and Reagan it's even harder. And sometimes I even catch them talking about him but the moment I'm into view they just stop, and that's also not helping. But, I want to believe part of me is finally ready to slowly let him go. I can't move on until I accept it and move on, but I think there's just part of me that doesn't want to let him go." I shrug.

She nods but stays silent, and her eyes rest on me.

I sigh and another smile falls onto my lips. "That and that Mark guy I met a few weeks ago, has been slightly brightening my days in little ways, and it's so nice. Like, it's nice to be reminded that sometimes someone is thinking of you."

She smiles at this and nods, like she knows exactly what I mean and she's thinking of her own life and how it applies. "So you don't want to talk about Ashton today?" She asks softly with her eyebrows arched.

I sit there for a few moments as I think about it. I did, but I didn't. I feel like it helps to talk about him, but all I do is talk about him with her, but then again, this appointment - which has been switched back to every two weeks - is my only opportunity to talk about him,

"Actually, I do. Since the last few months I've been spending so much time with Reagan, it keeps reminding me not only of Ashton, but how I was also so curious as to why they hated each other. Now, I think it was Ashton who told me some story about how she was just rude to him or something but he was friends with her because Luke liked her. I can't even remember anymore." I wave it off, since there was no use remembering that dumb excuse when it was just a lie.

"So, why did they hate each other?" Her questions always sound like she's so curious, but I never can blame her. My life probably seems like some sappy tv show of two teenagers who kind of fall in love over the summer, even though all odds are against them and no one wants them together.

I smile at that thought, then I look up to her. "See, that's the thing. I also thought, I really wanted to know that, but I actually totally regret ever making Ashton tell me the real reason. Because it hurt to know the truth, and that's why I do believe sometimes a lie is better. Only on certain things though." I nod as I think about it. I know I say I'd rather hear the truth, but that is a lie, because sometimes things are better left unknown...

~ Flash Back ~
// August 29th, 2015 //

I showed back up at Ashton's house after a few hours, since I said I would, and I wanted to see him anyways. Because who cares if there's so many uncertain things that await us in the future, I want this and I'm going to enjoy it while I can. I can just pretend that this doesn't have to end.