Regrets ; a.i

First Dates Suck

I sit with Ethan in the movie theatre, he surprised me at my door - which seems to be his thing - and took me out for a cute diner and a movie. I would definitely of called it a date, and I was still questioning whether or not it was a date. But, he hasn't made a move, and we used to do this thing all the time way back when, so why would it be different now? Except it did seem different.

Ethan acted romantic and it was only him and I, and he occasionally complimented me, and on top of that I could tell he was trying to flirt with me at points. I wasn't sure how to feel. I think he doesn't mean to flirt with me, its just a normal thing to do so it happened, then again, I don't really know for sure.

I glance over at him, his eyes staring at the movie and his hair styled nicely, he looks cute. He grins and looks over at me. "You're missing the movie," he chuckles and nods towards the screen.

I nod and look back to the movie. "You mean to tell me, that my eyes aren't the camera and I haven't been filming and watching my life like a movie?"

He laughs and looks at me, his lips pulled ear to ear as he looks at me and shakes his head. "That's cute Jen, but no."

"Oh," I pretend to pout before I smile and look back at the screen. The thing I enjoy about being with Ethan is he makes me forget the sadness that I dwell on when I'm home and alone. He makes me feel happy.

I stare at the movie and slowly I feel his hand intertwine with mine. My heart starts to race and I stop breathing for a second. I keep my eyes glued to the movie screen and let him hold my hand, even if I don't think I really want him to.

I take a deep breath and let my mind wonder to another place, somewhere else. I want to say the place I'll let my mind wonder would be dreamy and amazing. But I know the only place my mind will go is back to Ashton, it always does, and I can't find a way to stop it.

~ Flash Back ~
// August 3rd, 2015 //

I sat on the couch in Ashton's house with my feet resting on the coffee table and a bowl of popcorn in my lap. Ashton invited me over after I told him how Reagan had ditched me to go to the mall with this other girl.

I hated to admit the feeling that slowly I could feel Reagan pulling herself away from me. But, I wanted to keep her close, I hated the feeling of losing her, of her drifting apart. I wasn't ready to let her go, not yet; not ever. Reagan is part of me and I don't know what I'd do without her.

But it's also understandable that she wanted to hangout with someone that wasn't me, and lie to me about it too. Whatever. I guess I'll simply go behind her back and fuck one of her friends that she doesn't want me anywhere near. Two can play at that game.

I wanted to believe that I could actually say I was getting back at her in some ways by hanging out with Ashton, but I wasn't at all. I liked Ashton. I wanted to be with him because he made me happy and he made me feel different than anyone else and I craved it. The reason I spent time with Ashton had nothing to do with Reagan at all, it was for me.

I was conscious that it was probably a stupid decision and that it could cause a lot more troubles. I was also aware of many of the downfalls of me liking Ashton, god, I've ran reasons of it through my head at night instead of sleeping. But, all the reasons I could find to stay away from him and not get close all vanish the moment I see him. The moment he smiles, or I simply feel his skin contact mine; all those reasons vanish. Every worry that I scrambled into my brain, every precaution I thought of flies away at the feeling of his perfect lips. It all goes away.

Ashton smiles at me as he sits down and hands me a class of what I assume is coke, or some kind of pop.

I smelt the drink and Ashton watched me with an amused smile playing on his lips.