martyrs & maniacs. | tbz jujae

21.

Juyeon had never felt more confused.

Hyunjae was initially surprised with the sudden invasion of his private space, guessing by the way he froze for the first couple of seconds, but he eventually gave in to Juyeon's lips.

The kiss is bittersweet, both literally and figuratively. Hyunjae tastes of cold, strong beer and strawberry chapsticks. It makes Juyeon, in his drunken state, want to devour him even more; the need to erase the heartache slowly increasing no matter he kisses the older man beside him even harder.

It is bittersweet. Sweet because Juyeon likes whatever they are doing right now; bitter because he wishes it is Chanhee whom he is kissing right now.

And Hyunjae knows what's on his mind. Of course, he does. Juyeon is aware that he whispered Chanhee's name silently the moment they pulled away from each other to take a deep breath. And it's what makes the kiss more bitter. Hyunjae knew, yet he still let himself get pulled for another round of kissing.

It was when Juyeon had wrapped an arm around the small of his back to pull him closer when Hyunjae finally realizes the situation they are in.

"Juyeon, no." He pushes him away as quickly as Juyeon leaned in moments ago. "We can't."

Hyunjae brushes his hair back. He's frustrated. He doesn't know what to do. He wants to kiss him again; to do the very thing that he has been dreaming about ever since he realized how much he loves his friend, but it isn't right. Juyeon is drunk and heartbroken. He's vulnerable.

"Hyung, please." Juyeon whines. "I just want to forget everything. Let me learn how to love you."

And it hurts. Juyeon knows that he looks pathetic right now; his tear stained face is begging for his friend to fill the void that Chanhee left in his chest. If he has to beg, then he will. If he has to kneel on the tiled yet dirty floor, then he will. Anything to get Hyunjae's bittersweet lips back on him and pretend that it is Chanhee who is groaning against him.

He should really stop pushing his limits when it comes to drinking.

Hyunjae bites his bottom lip, shining with spit and a bit swollen under the neon lights. "We can't do this. I can't do this again."

Minutes passed by like a blur. Juyeon doesn't know how it happened, but soon he can see glimpses of Hyunjae carrying him towards the exit, to the backseat of a cab, to the front door of his apartment.

He tries one weak attempt to get Hyunjae close to him again, to "let me love you", but all he got was a firm headshake and a gentle touch to his cheek. Those things, and a silent whisper that Hyunjae didn't know that Juyeon heard.

"You can try to love me when you're not drunk anymore. Please."

Juyeon is too weak to even respond.

♡

His bed has never felt softer. Juyeon lets himself sink onto the comforters even more.

"Sleep." Hyunjae tells him, putting a blanket on top of him. "I've put a glass of water and some painkillers beside your bed lamp. Take them when you wake up tomorrow.

And that should be it. Hyunjae was only supposed to guide him to his bed, to make sure he has everything he need to cure his hangover the next day, before hailing a cab and going back to his own apartment.

He had already done the first two things. The only thing he needs to do now is to whip out his phone and find an available ride home, but a hand gently wraps itself around his wrist and it only took Hyunjae one look at Juyeon's watery eyes for him to pocket his phone and lull him to sleep, sitting at the empty space beside Juyeon's bed.

How can he even say no to Juyeon's plea of "stay with me, please" when the younger's eyes look so broken and soulless that it makes him want to shed a few tears himself too?

Hyunjae pats the dark-haired man's head as he continues to softly hum the tune of Juyeon's favorite song — his musical solo. He fights the urge to place his hand on Juyeon's cheek when the latter finally succumbs to exhaustion, and he smiles. Bittersweet.

"I don't care if what you said was just a joke or a half-hearted promise influenced by alcohol. Be happy— that's what I wanted for you right from the start."

Chanhee's unread messages greet him when he takes Juyeon's phone away from him. Hyunjae just turns off the device and place it with its screen down on the bedside table.

He looks at Juyeon one last time.

"And don't worry. I'm staying."

hi!! remember to vote for tbz on whosfan and stream the heck out of their no air kingdom performance and their make your own king film !! (the latter is optional, but can y'all believe it reached 1M views in less than 24 hours?)

i might upload another chapter tomorrow if my schoolworks allow me to, but for now i hope everyone is having a great day/night! we are getting so close to the end T___T