living's just a waste of death

everybody, look down

i don't know what this chapter is

"what time do you gotta go?" mikey put his coffee cup down on the nightstand. it was the day before gerard was supposed to leave. he was sitting on the floor packing up the last of his sweaters and cd's. mikey was pretty sure those two killers albums were his- hot fuss, and the bonus track version of day & age. but he let gerard put them in his box without saying anything.

"i'm supposed to check into the dorms at two, but i have to pick up ray and he wants to get there early to make sure we're in the same room," gerard put the david archuleta record next to the danzig one. he had a weird taste in music. "so sometime in the morning, maybe." mikey sat on gerard's bed that was completely bare of any sheets or blankets- despite the fact that he still had one more night at home. "so dad isn't driving you?"

"no, i don't want him to have to take the train home, and that way i can keep my car there." there was so many boxes full of stuff, but the room didn't even look empty. it still had papers everywhere and random little things on the shelves, just stuff that gerard couldn't take with him.

but there was a silence for a while after that, mikey was thinking about what he was gonna do after gerard was gone. "it's not even an hour away, you'll be fine mikey. all your friends are here- frank, bob...pete now, too." he got up to sit down on the bed next to mikey. "you know bob doesn't like me," mikey said, then the two of them laughed at that. bob didn't like anybody.

"yeah, but you should use the new school year as an opportunity to meet some new people, to branch out." like a fucking tree or something? that wasn't likely. and talking to people wore mikey out, anyway. gerard knew that of course, "and if not, frankie and pete."

"yeah, i guess..." should he tell him? "pete and i aren't- i don't know. we haven't talked since last sunday." mikey kinda mumbled, and gerard looked at him like he just said the stupidest thing. granted, he kinda did. him and pete had been hanging out constantly, saw each other everyday for like a month at that point- "what, why?"

"he, i mean, he kinda- he kinda kissed me." he said then and gerard looked at him like he was fucking crazy. "he kissed you? like a little peck kiss? or like with tongue kiss?" gerard's voice was just full of amusement at the way mikey's face was getting redder. "like...like he was sort of trying to take my clothes off kinda kiss-

"but then i freaked and literally ran away and he's been calling me and i haven't answered because i don't know what he wants me to say and i don't fucking like dudes but i've never kissed anyone like that before and he's my best friend and i don't like him that way and i promised him he could stay here while his mom was gone and i just, i don't know what to do." mikey pulled his hoodie over his face like he was trying to hide.

so he couldn't see gerard's face but he knew it was probably a shocked-expression. and then he heard gerard sigh, like he didn't really know what to do either. "it's okay if you do. you know that, right? i mean, i'm not really straight, and it's fine. you don't care, dad doesn't care. it's okay."

"i know, gee, i know. it's just...i've never- this has never happened before. and pete is just so. i don't know. and i know it would be okay if i did feel that way about him, but i just don't. i'm not just saying it. so what am i supposed to do if he says that he does feel that way? i don't wanna hurt him, you know?" mikey's face was still hidden in his hoodie and it was hard for him to breathe through the cotton while he was rambling so much.

and he felt even shittier every time he said "you know" because that's was only a phrase he picked up from pete. "i know mikey, i get it." gerard said. and he did, even though mikey had a terrible way of explaining what was going on in his head, gerard still got it.

unfortunately for him, patrick didn't have that kind of telepathy. pete had called him five times at that point- flipping out over mikey the same, yet completely different way mikey was flipping out over him.

each phone call to patrick was a new mikey-rant. the last one was: "he's only technically a year younger then me, he'll be sixteen in a couple weeks-" and the one before that was some shit about the biggest brown eyes he's ever seen- patrick was having trouble keeping up. pete made a lot less sense when he was emotional.

"wait, okay so you kissed him? you kissed mikey way? a real kiss or a middle school kiss?" patrick was more calm, but pete could already hear the criticism in his voice and they hadn't even gotten there yet. "a real kiss, dude."

patrick didn't really like to hear about this stuff that pete would tell him. but it was already a habit for him. he had been telling patrick every single little thing that happened in his life for the past four years, he sure as hell wasn't gonna stop now.

thank god it wasn't the other way around. patrick knew pete would flip if he found out about the little things patrick didn't plan on ever telling him. like how he said the f-word when he was alone or that time he jerked off the other way-brother in pete's bathroom. maybe those two things were on different sides of the "deep dark secrets" spectrum. but still.

"and he wasn't into it or what?" patrick was already really super done with him. but he put up with pete because of their "unbreakable bond, patrick!" or "brotherly love, even though we aren't like, actual brothers"- whatever. and pete was just sitting on one of the beach-chairs by the pool with his phone on speaker so he could throw a tennis ball for hemmy. "he was at first- he really was. i was on top of him, it was hot. and then he made this noise and-"

patrick cut him off before he could even, "okay! okay, i don't need the details, pete." he was making the most disgusted face and pete could tell without even looking at him. pete was laughing, "right, sorry. but it doesn't even matter 'cause he ran away. like, ran out the fucking door." then he wasn't, "i guess i just freaked him out- you know i always come on too strong- but i thought he liked me...i really did. i was just wrong this time."

"maybe he does like you and he's just having an identity crisis. you should call him. weren't you supposed to stay at his place this week?"

pete hadn't tried that. he'd texted, but only once and then his nerves climbed up too high for him to do it again. "yeah, i was. i dunno if he still wants me to. you think he'll pick up?" he was kinda hopeful then but maybe not enough, and hemmy walked up to lick pete right on the face. "he won't unless you actually call. so call. now."

"yeah, okay." then he said goodbye and hung up to scroll through the contacts in his phone until he saw mikeyway written in all caps with a little coffee cup emoji next to it. "hi," mikey picked up after only the second ring. pete wished he would've planned out something to say because he was rambling before he could stop himself. "hey mikes- i uh, i just wanted to...apologize, i guess. i know i freaked you out and. just. yeah, i'm sorry. are we good? or, are we cool?"

"yeah, yeah we're cool, petey." mikey thought he probably should've apologized too, for running out and acting all shitty, but he couldn't for some reason. "it's cool, just forget about it. are you still comin' over?" mikey sounded fine and it was way easier than it should have been.

pete kinda laughed a little nervously. "that was the other reason i called- i'll come if you still want me too, i mean if it's okay." then he cringed at how shaky that sounded coming out of his mouth. he hoped mikey didn't notice. "sure it's okay. are you okay?"

"of course i am, mikeyway." he answered. and he couldn't even tell if he was telling the truth or not but it seemed to be good enough for mikey. "good. i gotta go, so i'll see you tomorrow, kay? you can come early and see gee before he leaves. okay, bye." then there was a beep and pete didn't know whether to smile or frown. "bye, mikes."

pete was used to being okay, he was always fine with everything and the universe had a tendency to do everything in his favor. he was used to being in the center of it all, with everyone orbiting around him. but the second mikey got in that orbit, it was all about him. pete couldn't even think about anyone or anything else- like mikey was earth and pete was just the moon spinning around him and only him. pete had never been on the other side like he was then, and frankly, he didn't know what to do.