living's just a waste of death

do your part to save the scene and stop going to shows

i didn't proof read this shit so there's probably a lot of mistakes

pete hadn't really been sleeping at all. which, granted was something he was used to. but recently it had gotten worse. but he just convinced himself it was because of mikey and all the confusion he was causing. or maybe just sleeping in a different house. in mikey's house, specifically. in mikey's fucking room and in his goddamn bed. but whatever it was fine. pete was fine, mikey was fine. it was fine.

mikey's house didn't have a designated spot like pete's did, so they'd just been hanging out in the basement. right until mikey's dad came down with a box of tools that mikey wouldn't know how to use and kicked them out because "if you boys are going to be down here from now on, there needs to not be a hole in the wall."

so they had to stay in mikey's room. with mikey sprawled out on his bed with hemmy next to him and pete sat on the desk. like actually, on the desk. he was babbling on about whatever. how school was about to start or a new band or song or something- mikey stopped listening after a while. he was too tired to even try to keep up with pete and the way he talked too fast.

and the considerable amount of distance between them didn't do anything. anything at all. because when mikey wasn't listening, his eyes started drifting down to pete's lips while he talked.

and they looked kinda chapped then, but mikey remembered how they felt when pete had kissed him. rough and wet from the way he licked them before he leaned in. it wouldn't stay out of mikey's mind- his subconscious just had to keep bringing it up. and he started to creep himself out at that point because yeah, he'd thought of kissing loads of people before (it was a great hobbie). pete included. but this was different. it had actually happened. and that was too much for mikey, too goddamn much.

and he'd think about it and think "i'm not gay, i'm not" and usually that wasn't something he just said as a defense or an excuse. it was true. but the more and more he had to tell himself that, the more it felt like it wasn't true. yeah...maybe he was. and he hated that.

fuck pete wentz. fuck him for making mikey so confused. he probably wasn't even half as mixed up as mikey was. why did he do that? was he just fucking around or does he actually like me? mikey looked at pete while he spoke but he couldn't hear a single word he was saying.

"pete? why did you even- or i mean, why did you kiss me...that day?" and pete looked at him like he was speaking a different language. he probably was. "well, you know i like you. i just thought you felt the same way, i guess." he said, and the words came out so easily like it didn't even phase him to say any of it. but he still looked away from mikey as soon as he did.

okay, so there. he answered all of mikey's questions- even the ones he didn't ask out loud. and mikey couldn't even say anything other then, "oh."

"do you?" pete asked then, finally looking at mikey but not getting a glance in return. because mikey had to think about it. yeah? maybe...he thought. but he couldn't actually form the words and push them out of him mouth. "i don't know, pete. you, you're so- i don't know." he had his arms wrapped around himself, feeling a little ashamed. he couldn't even give a direct answer.

"that's not a very direct answer, mikes." pete said, his voice was almost a whisper. he wanted to go sit next to mikey, lay his head on mikey's shoulder. but he didn't. he wanted to, though. but he didn't. "dammit, pete, i know. i know, and i wish i could put it into words but i can't. and i'm just...i'm straight." mikey said. and he was lying. right through his teeth, he knew he was. he hated it. hated putting pete through this shit just because he couldn't deal with it.

"you don't have to be." and god, the way pete just wanted to grab him and hug him, laced their fingers together or just put an hand on his shoulder- anything. but mikey was too detached for pete to even move closer to him.

"yeah i know," mikey paused, realizing how many times he'd said "know." either he did or he didn't. "it's just, like, i don't like boys. i'm not into guys, you know?" and fuck, now he was forcing pete to know something too. "but maybe you'd like boys like me better," pete said. like a question, but more like a supplication.

yeah, maybe i would. unless i already do. but mikey couldn't say it. he couldn't say anything that he fucking meant. and he wanted to cry from the way pete's voice sounded- fucked up and scratchy like he'd just been in the desert for weeks without a drop of water. or the look on his face- like mikey just stabbed him in the chest and asked for his knife back. liked pete loved him even if the lines were blurred and mikey broke his stupid fucking heart. "i'm sorry. pete, i'm sorry."

"it's okay, really it- it's okay." everything changed in an instant. pete switched to a soft smile and then jumped up, stuffing his feet into his shoes. "thanks for, uh, letting me stay. i'm gonna go, alright? mom's s'posed to be home tomorrow so i'll be fine-" he got all his clothes off the floor and put all his stuff in his duffel bag, and mikey didn't move. "i'll see you later- at school maybe."

"you can stay. you can, i'm sorry." he still didn't move though. stayed where he was. feeling more horrible then ever. "it's okay mikey, i swear. you didn't do anything, so it's cool. it's okay." he looked mikey in the eye, just for a second, then he was walking out with his bag over his shoulder. and hemmy nudged mikey's hand softly before trotting after pete.

mikey wanted to go after him. but as usual, he couldn't. he never could.

it wasn't until days later- almost weeks later that they saw each other again. on the first day of school, after first period. or maybe second- whatever. it was sometime before lunch that mikey saw pete in the hallway. he'd just stopped by his locker to get a spiral notebook for his next class, and pete was right there.

he was in that smashing pumpkins shirt under his varsity jacket and mikey was sure he had a ring of liner around his eyes but he wasn't close enough to tell. pete was standing by his own open locker with three other guys- mikey recognized them as andy, patrick, and joe. the three were laughing and pete smirked, satisfied with making his friends happy.

but then he caught a glimpse of mikey- who was, still, looking at him dumbly. and pete's face fell. but only for a single split second until he showed mikey a small smile like a silent hello. the kind of smile you gave when you couldn't bring yourself to actually pull your lips far enough into a grin. pete couldn't even smile at him for real. and that made mikey feel super shitty. shittier then he had been feeling.

pete had looked away because then more of his teammates joined in on whatever they were talking about. and pete laughed as gabe was trying to climb him despite the fact that he was nearly a foot taller- mikey would have stayed and watched a little longer but he was starting to feel creepy and his class was about to start.

he saw him again at lunch anyway, but pete didn't catch him then. he was too far back in the corner and pete was right in the center, surrounded by everyone else.

mikey could hear frank talking about how the first day hadn't been bad so far but he wasn't paying any close attention- he had pete's voice echoing somewhere in his brain- the "you didn't do anything, so it's cool." because he did- he fucking lied. pete asked him a question and he lied about it instead of being a good best friend and saying yeah maybe i am into guys and maybe i do like you and maybe we should kiss again or something.

nope. he was a fucking coward. a coward who didn't know what to do, who really needed advice. he needed to call his brother.