CHRYSALIS

32.

im posting this from a restaurant right now. i just want it out of my brain. ignore the typos, thanks.

July 16th, 2021

I don't think I like journaling, it made me remember a lot of stuff that I've been trying to forget. My therapist says that forgetting isn't actually helpful though, so she wants me to remember what those months felt like. I think that if she knew what they felt like, she wouldn't want me to remember them either. They felt like nothing. I knew I was supposed to be feeling things, and I could if I was wasted, but the majority of the time I was just numb. I was just going through the motions, trying to shield whatever is left of me from being hurt. My therapist says that all of me is left, but I don't think she gets it. It's like I was forming; I had legs to stand on and a sound body, I think I might have even had wings in there, if I would have tried I think I maybe could have flown...but it just disintegrated back into a pool of me, no structure left, just little frail pieces of me floating around, with no concept of how to become a butterfly.

Anyway, she thinks it's good for me to remember. Especially the few days before we left on tour, those few days of "normalcy" before my word changed all over again.

So here goes nothing. How much do you wanna bet that thinking about this makes me cry on the subway?

I'd put money on it.

-Jo.

"Fuck, we gotta go. Get dressed please, will you drop me off at Pete's?"

The gorgeous blonde man ran a hand over his bleach blonde head and nodded slowly while he rolled off the bed. He sauntered toward the bathroom and I averted my eyes toward the ground.

Something felt wrong about looking at him naked now that I was sober.

It was the 8th. I left for tour on the 10th. Today was my last day with Frankie and Nicki.

It was about two p.m., I'd snuck out of Harry's house early this morning and had breakfast with Nicki and Pete...and Axel.

He was a surprise, I didn't know he was coming, but he was so charming again. After the third mimosa, I started to feel again, and he made me feel good. After the 6th mimosa, I asked him to take me back to his place.

Harry likes fucking hot blondes too, so what's the issue?

The girl in my brain sneered at me, jabbing me until I remembered that this is all I'll ever be to somebody...just a body on a bed.

When I was drunk I could feel again, I wasn't just remembering feelings, I was living them again! Unfortunately, that buzz only lasts so long though, and the numbness crept back in with each sobering thrust.

I heard Axel clear this throat and turned to look at him, and what a sight he was.