Helpless (Book 1)

Chapter Forty

I DON'T KNOW how long it's been since our so-called "breakup". I'm not sure what to call it, really: a breakup or a misunderstanding. But I know it's been long enough to the point where I couldn't bare this silence between us any longer. We haven't spoken a word to each other since our last encounter. Laurens has been avoiding me as much as he can, looking so pitiful and betrayed as if I'm the one who cheated on him. He has been avoiding as much physical contact of me as possible, no knee-knocking under tables, no hand holding under tables like we used too. Unless, around Mr. Laurens. So far, Mr. Laurens believes the idea that I'm still Alexandrea and that "Alexander" was her twin brother. So, that's a plus.

 It's towards mid-November now. Homecoming has passed and Halloween has passed quicker than I imagined. Now, it's officially autumn with a cool breeze blowing through the wind—not too hot, not too cold—and the dark green leaves starting to change colors going from reds to yellows to browns to oranges and starting to fall onto the ground as the breeze blows. It's been about a week or two since Laurens and I's argument. 

 I'm sitting at the cafeteria now, poking at my food grievingly with my fork, my freckled cheek in my palm and my elbow on the table. Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy all cast worrisome looks with each other, frowning while Angelica shoots Laurens a hard glare down the edge of the table. Laurens hardly looks interested in whatever we have to say or do. He's almost in the same position I am with an elbow on the table and his palm against his cheek, but he has his phone in his hand instead of his fork. I feel my eye twitch and my hand curling around the plastic fork. I bounce my leg up and down restlessly.

 "Okay, whatever the hell is going on between you two, has to stop," Meade says, slamming his tray down in between Laurens and I. He sits in between us at the lunch table. "I can't stand this silence anymore!" 

 "Yeah? Well, perhaps then Laurens should have thought about that before he decided it was a good idea to kiss the living daylights of the girl he never loved in the first place!" I say with a bitter laugh. 

 Laurens sighs heavily and massages his aching temples before shooting me a look I can't quite read. He looks exhausted, to be honest. 

 "I keep telling you, Hamilton," Laurens hisses, spitting out my last name like venom. I try not to grimace. "I had no choice! You heard everything I had told Ben!" 

 "Really?" I say, arching an eyebrow and shifting a little on the bench at the table to fully face him as best I can. "That's what they all say, Jack-ass!" 

 Peggy snorts at that. Eliza nudges her sister in the ribs, shooting her scolding look. Peggy shrugs, smiling sheepishly as shrinks a little under her sister's glare. Eliza just rolls her eyes, sighing heavily as she turns back to face us. 

 "Oh, you're gonna play that card, huh?" Laurens says, laughing bitterly, his southern accent rolling off his tongue again. I nod once, narrowing my eyes at Laurens, feeling a scowl starting to form on my face. Laurens shrugs. "Okay, then. Freckles. Why must you always make assumptions?! You didn't even let me explain myself! You just assumed I had cheated on you, which I assure you, Freckles, I didn't. I would never do something like that to anyone who is as trusting and as kind as you are. God, sometimes I wish I could break up with you, Freckles. But you're lucky you're too adorable to do that." 

 "Didn't you two already break up, though?" Tilghman says from beside me. 

 "We were on a break!" 

 Silence. 

Laurens sighs through his nose and leans forward against the table past Meade's arm to meet my eyes. 

 "I love you, Alexander," Laurens continues, his voice lowering for a second. "I will never stop loving you. She doesn't mean a thing to me, you do. She had me cornered and surprised me by her appearance. I couldn't find away to escape from her, she seemed to block every possible option. So, the only thing I had to do was to oblige to her commands. I had to kiss her, Alexander. I had to. It wasn't by force but it left me no choice but to do so." A pause. "Now, I am terribly sorry I have caused you this much pain, this much hurt and betrayal. But trust me, when I tell you, that I thought of you every second. That I love you."