Hurt

Doll House

Mikan

My words were jumbling inside my own body.  Tumbling out of the seems was sweat. I sewed my worries up so no one would ever see or question me. Everything was falling apart.

I pass out at school. I crumble when someone talks to me. I felt my lungs burning as I ran. My feet pounding the concrete sending aching pulses through my body. The stinging sensation of realizing I am terrible at sewing. the needle I had once dug five inches deep was dangling from the side of my hip. The neighborhood blurring and my fear becoming larger by the second. I was being swallowed whole by a beast that lived inside of me. I was scared then. I am scared now. I will be scared-- Oh right.

Whenever I take a step in my house my parents are going to beat me. They are going to bash my face, bend my arms ways they aren't suppose to go, bury me six feet under in a field where nobody will remember me. I stopped running.

Everything stopped. I stopped breathing. The world stopped spinning. The neighborhood became clear. My legs stopped moving. My heart stopped beating, but I did not stop thinking,

My thoughts were zooming through crushing anything else I wanted to think about. I wasn't moving but adrenaline was coursing through me. My head was pounding and the thought was hitting me like a tidal wave. It was rushing through and everything seemed like it a hundred times the speed. My brain was going hyper but my body was loosing all hope. I was shaking. I was a stupid teenage girl shaking on the sidewalk. i am supposed to be home. then it will be all over. 

I won't have to pretend i didn't cry in those two years. I did. I lied. I cry nearly every single fucking day. I break down constantly then act like nobody is supposed to notice. I am such an awful actress i am sure they are giggling at me trying. I'm melting everything. I'm like a weak flame that has been trying to  burn out but instead melts wax. Right now I am burning the neighborhood silence.

The silence instead drips onto my body. My body is calm. Besides the shaking my body is fine. I lied again. I fell a while ago. When you sudden;y stop you tend to trip. My knees were caked with blood. But my wailing voice was endlessly echoing.

Why the hell can't I get up? I can't even accept my fate. I can't accept people like me weren't meant to live. I can't accept that I was never meant to walk, talk, play, laugh, or experience joy like the rest of the kids. I can't accept I am supposed to die.

I don't want to die. I want to live. I want to grow up to be 100. I want to get through high school without having an attack. I want to live happily. I don't want to be abused. I don't want to be lying in my own blood crying on the sidewalk. I just don't want to go home. All I want is hope.

My senses were coming back. I was now not only crying because I am a fuck up now I was crying because it hurt. The physical pain was nothing compared to the torture I put myself to but it felt a slap from my mother.

It was like having the wind sucked out of you. You lay helplessly on the ground and pain massages where you were struck. I didn't want to move. My body didn't care. Despite the fact i was bleeding it pretending like nothing happened. I continued to run. My feet were tired and i wanted to lie limp on the ground.

But I already told you guys.....My body wasn't  doing what I wanted. The cool air drying my tears and the houses were becoming invisible. I wish I had super human strength so that I could power through with a smile on my face. The inevitable came and I was puffing on my own house. It was made of bricks so I couldn't blow my troubles away and the slimy doorknob had been calling my name.

My throat was burning like my parents poured acid down as my punishment. I bit my tongue as my fragile hands clasped around the gilded gold knob. 

Thick hands clung around my waist immediately. My father breathing in my ear and pinning my hands towards him. His large stature fitted in behind me as my screaming mother was on her way. "Izumi you man whore! You get sorry ass over here. If I have to come in there I swear to God I will cut you up! I will sell your organs on the black market. Maybe then you will be worth something. You never did shit! Now i hear you have someone on the side? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? DID YOU FORGET YOU HAVE A HAPPY FAMILY WAITING? IZUMI ANSWER M-" She stopped yelling as she passed through our blue entry way. "Oh silly me you are playing with our daughter." She chuckled out but the knife in her hand said she was going to cut us both up.

I wasn't going  to whimper. Promise. I didn't want to squirm in my fathers arms. "You crazy bitch. Don't even think you can over power me. You think I'm scared Yuka? I could go to the police and tell them I have had to watch you bully our poor Mikan. You wouldn't want that. You can't even touch me without going through her." he grunted and snarled through his teeth and everything was going right by my left ear. I could smell the woman Yuka must have been mentioning. She sneered calming taking slow paces towards us. Her flats made little sound but you could hear the laughter getting hauntingly closer.

She was in front of me with a silver weapon by her side. "You think i give a shit about her?" Izumi backed up. He let go of hands and kicked my hips towards my mom. I landed next to her instead of being skewered. "Yuka gets some god damn sense!" He yelled. "I hate hearing you talk."

My elbows were scraped and my knees hadn't healed. My mother who had clung to the knife for dear life let it fall. The each took hits. Hateful words spat back and forth like they were playing catch as their fists knocked each other around. I laid there.....waiting for them to tell me I could leave. I laid there hoping no one at school would ask questions. I laid there hoping they would heal in time for my video project. Everything went to shit....it's not fair.