day by day

a letter i wrote to you before you broke my heart

but what do i want?
and does it even matter?
will i ever even get it?
but what do i want?

i want you.
i want you and me and keelo.
i want to wake up to you.
i want to spend every possible second in your presence.

but does it matter?
am i wasting my time?
will i really make a good life for myself?

i want long drives with your hand in mine and my dog in the backseat.

our dog.

i want to secretly add all your new songs to my playlist because i know you like them and i like playing songs you like when i'm on aux.
i want a life.
with you.
i want my life,
to be with you.

but do i deserve it?
do i want it enough?
am i working hard enough?
what if i fail?
is it even worth it?

i hate the phone calls.
i hate the texting.
i hate the distance.
i hate the time wasted that could've been spent making memories.
i hate that life has torn me from your arms.
and i hate that i can't do anything about it.
i hate that i can't fix this.

what if we fall apart?
what if i get left alone, broken on the pavement
again?
am i even worth it?

i want love.
i want security.
i want safety.
i want trust.
i want you.
and i want us.

i have to trust you.
i don't have to trust this happiness.
but i have to trust you.

i want a backyard
and sunny mornings
where we sit together
and the dog runs around in the grass,
while i toke
and i drink coffee
and you drink hot chocolate,
because you don't like coffee.
unless it's iced capps.

but what if i have to go back?
3 hours away is bearable but a whole province away?
can we survive that?
we can't even have a conversation about it.

i've never loved someone like this.
you teach me new things everyday.
and i fall more and more in love everyday.
you are my favourite human.
i cant lose you.

she's got it all planned.
i'd be safe,
healthy,
we could facetime,
not just call.
its not enough
i'm trying.

i want movie nights.
and lazy mornings.
and tag teaming meals.
i want our perfect love.
i want to laugh with you.
and lay with you.
and sleep beside you.

but what if i get it and i get comfortable and it falls apart?
again.
what if we move in together and you stop loving me?
and what if you hide it?
what if we become miserable?
what if i make you miserable?

this love is all i've ever wanted.
you make me want to be better.
you make me want a home,
a family,
you make me want to build a happy life with you.
you make me better.

what if i don't make you better?
do i cause problems?
am i just stressful?
do you still love me like you did at the beginning?

i want you to come home to me every night.
i want us to go to your friends every weekend.
together.
i want to do everything by your side.
as a team.

what if it's too late.
what if i crossed the line?
the line i couldn't see?
what if i did just one thing, too many times and you slowly stopped loving me?
please, please still love me like that.

i want to wake up beside you every morning.
i want to feel you pull me closer in the night.
i want to feel you hold me like i'm the most delicate and precious thing you've ever held; so tender, yet so tight. like you don't know if i'll still be here if you were to let go.
i promise i'll still be here.
forever and ever.

is it enough?
a promise?
of forever?
and ever?
could it be enough?
i really hope it can be.

you're the love of my life.
i found you.
my missing puzzle piece.
my other half.
love,
-what i thought it was-
never felt like this.
its never felt this good.
this is real.
you and me.
we're meant to be in love.

you deserve better.
than this.
your first relationship,
albeit it is a healthy and happy one,
but you deserve better than being forced to do it long distance.
you're not that kind of boyfriend.
you're the kind of boyfriend who needs to see his girlfriend every day.
the kind who needs the hormone release that comes with physical affection.
the kind who needs touch.
not the kind who can do it with just phone calls,
occasionally snapchat's.
but mainly texts.
that isn't you.
but you became him for me.
and i will love you forever for it.
i promise.
but you don't deserve this.
and i'm so, so sorry.