day by day

atrophy

i wish you could feel
the agony that rests in my heart.
everyday, is a battle.
yes it's better then it was.
and yes, i got what i wanted.
i'm happier.
but when i pictured how my life would be when i was happier,
for the last few months,
it always involved you.
even from hundreds of miles away.
but now i'm here
and you're not.
i didn't throw you away,
i felt unwanted and unsupported.
i was not 'waiting to get rid of you'
the day i lost you my heart shattered.
and it still does everyday.
i loved you more than life itself.
you were the light when i was lost in the dark.
and i'm so sorry that i left.
and i'm sorry that i've hurt you.
but i've said it before,
and i'll say it again
i am not sorry that i did what was best for me.
i miss you,
so infuriatingly much.
and though, most days
i am all glued back together,
don't ever think that i am not in constant misery since you left my side.
and please, don't ever think that this is what i wanted.
i never, in a million years, wanted to lose you.
and i am so deeply sorry for everything that i have done to hurt you.
but that does not change how angry and hurt i am.
because you said your words, knowing i would see them.
as i do with mine.
but yours, were bullets to the chest.
knives to the back.
and i live, everyday, with every hurt filled word you wrote, burned into my brain.
i let you down.
there's no coming back from that.