day by day

suffocating agony

i don't even know how to write what i'm feeling so please bear with me.
this may get messy and at some points not make sense. but this is how i cope.

how can i miss someone, that i know i don't need, so terribly?
how come i wasn't enough?
you promised me that night that it wasn't cause i wasn't enough. but if you think about it, why else would you leave other than that you don't love me enough anymore?
meaning that i am no longer enough.
i don't know man. maybe my mental health was too much. lord knows my head loves to bully me.
i never wanted to be that girlfriend to you. i wanted to be good. the one that never doubted you. the one that never double and tripled checked that you weren't leaving me.
the one that never made you make silly promises. because then there wouldn't have been any to break. and maybe, then it wouldn't hurt so bad.
i think of the night we sat in your camry as i cried about whatever i was going through and you promised me you would never be temporary.
and i didn't want to believe you.
but god,
you had that look in your eyes.
that one that just melted my soul.
the look that begged me to trust every word you said, the look that said that you meant it and that you were never going away.
i think about every time you looked at me with that look in your eyes.
every word you said as your eyes begged me to believe in you.
in our love.
i think about the nights when you could tell i was upset so you just took me for a drive.
i think about the nights we would go for adventures.
i think about every conversation we had. every joke we made.
every laugh.
i think about every movie we watched together, every show we started, every inside joke we had.
it's the worst when, i'm with my friends, and i'm trying so hard to move on with my life like you have, and then i think about something we did together or i think of making a joke and i remember how we used to make that exact same joke together.
fuck dude then it's like i'm just plunged into this suffocating darkness and i can't seem to crawl out.
i've lost count of how many times my friends have had to pull me back to reality.
not knowing every time they've saved me.
i suffer in silence but a good way to tell when i'm really hurting is paying attention to when i can't be alone.
i'll spend time with anyone if it means i don't have to be alone.
but i prefer those two.
they just bring a certain light to my mind.
different but strangely similar to the one you brought when i first met you.
i think about the first night we went out with your friends just the two of us, and you brought me back home and we just hung out in your car.
every time i hit shuffle on my spotify i think about how you gave me aux almost every time we went for a drive.
i think about the nights when i laid awake as you snored beside me, occasionally rolling over to hold me close.
and when you'd roll over the other way, i'd roll close to you just to hold you.
and i'd feel your body relax into my arms.
and in those moments i knew i would love you forever.
even if you didn't love me forever.
i think about the nights when you met my family, i think about how good you were with them, and how much they all loved you.
i think about how good you were with me, and how much i love you.
i don't want to forget you.
i really fucking don't.
but i fear the longer i keep you around,
the more this is going to destroy me.
because if i'm already so close to the edge,
really, how much further can i go before it turns fatal?
how much longer can i surround myself with people who would rather be doing anything else?
how much longer can i fill your empty space with meaningless boys who only compliment me when i show them my body?
how much longer can i go
before this kills me.
because even though your love for me may not,
this sadness
will last forever.