day by day

Degree 24hr. (For Men.)

i bought your deodorant today.
i swear i've never looked more dumb than i did in that aisle.
searching.
through every single one.
looking for a bottle that i should recognize.
hoping for at the very least,
just to smell you again.
i found it.
and now everything is you again.
all my clothes,
soon to smell like you again.
just like they did every time you held me.
as soon as i smelled it my heart fell into my stomach,
like a 250lbs rock falling 85 feet into water.
i miss you.
more than i've ever missed anything.
way more than i'd like to admit to be honest.
i can say that i bought it because it's a comforting smell-
which isn't a total lie-
or i could say that i bought it because i grew to like it.
or it's a familiar sent.
it calms me down,
etc.
which isn't total bullshit,
but none of that is actually why i bought it.
i bought it because i miss you.
i miss smelling you and i miss smelling like you.
i miss holding you and being held by you.
i miss our memories.
the things we did.
i miss how happy we were.
god i've never felt like that with another human being before.
feeling so alive yet still so fragile.
being so free but still having someone who will bring me back down to earth when it's time to come home.
it's a tough feeling to describe so don't judge my wordings.
i've never had a home before you and i don't think i'll find one after you.
i love you.
more than any of my silly words could express.
i try so hard not to let my mind wander because i can't handle the way it always wanders back to you.
and i can't handle the thought of you never wandering back to me ever again.
the thought of never riding passenger in your toyota again.
the thought of never going for another long drive through the mountains with you.
or never going to your friends house with you again.
never kissing you again.
never sleeping next to you or waking up next to you again.
never waiting for you to come home to me again.
never resting my hand on your leg while you drive ever again.
the "never"'s go on forever,
but the worst of them all,
i will never ever get our life.
the one we had back,
or the one we planned for us together.
for our future.
that's her privilege now.
whoever she is.
she won.
big time.
you're the jackpot my love.
it is a privilege to love you.
and for your sake, i pray to god that she sees that too.
i pray to god that you're happy.
because that's all i want for you.
don't worry,
i'll eventually get used to how useless my hands feel when they're not dancing with yours.
it's okay, my love
i'll be over here,
with my Degree For Men,
fighting to make it through to the next 24hr mark.
fighting for a piece of you.